Get some Bitchy Waiter in your email!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Won't You be My Psychic Friend?

I may need to have my Psychic Friends card revoked and take Dionne Warwick off my speed dial, because some predictions I made a couple of days ago did not come true. I repeat: they did not come true. Despite wearing my best Valerie "Rhoda" Harper scarf and trying to look like a fortune teller gypsy, my powers failed me. I predicted that my job would call me about not showing up for a shift that I had clearly told them I was unable to make due to my other job. It had already happened with another shift because of a communication breakdown (in other words, somebody didn't read their email). But behold, I did not get a phone call asking me where I was. Either the management team finally read my email or they decided to fire my ass and I just don't know about it yet. Either way, my prediction failed miserably. The other vision I had was that of me having a citrus martini at the end of the night. That too failed to come to fruition when I instead had a glass of pinot grigio because I was too lazy to do anything other than pour from an already opened bottle of wine.

Maybe my psychic powers have gone. I certainly hope not, because I still play the lottery numbers that I dreamed about 23 years ago and I know that someday they are going to come up. Yolanda Vega is going to whisper those six sweet digits into her microphone and they will be handing over one of those gigantic checks made out to The Bitchy Waiter. I will now look into the bottom of my cup of tea and read the leaves to see what else I see in the near future. These are my latest predictions:

  • Bristol Palin will win Dancing With the Stars prompting her mother Sarah to follow the surge of victory and run for president in 2012 with Bristol as her running mate.
  • California will finally have "the big one" causing Los Angeles to break off and float into the Pacific Ocean making it one gigantic island where marijuana is legal and movie tickets cost $28 each.
  • Lindsay Lohan will revive her career in a film adaptation of Gilligan's Island. She will play Mary Ann. She will win a People's Choice award for it. That girl who plays Joan on Mad Men will play Ginger Grant.
  • It will be determined that high fructose corn syrup isn't really all that bad for you.
  • A massive tsunami will hit a tiny island in the south Pacific but no one will die because by sheer coincidence the entire island will all be seeing Mission Impossible 4 which will be playing at the lone movie theater which happens to be on the highest part of the island. Tom Cruise will be designated a national hero and he will move there and become their God/President. Suri will stay in the United States because she "needs a break" from her dad.
  • Gay marriage will become legal in a slew of states because all of a sudden people will realize, "oh, who fucking cares anymore?"
  • Oprah Winfrey will decide that season 25 is not her final season after all and she will take her show on the road playing Knights of Columbus Halls across the land.
  • Vice president Joe Biden will admit that he had some "work done."
  • American Idol will play its final season because no one cares about the new judges and its time to out a fork in that shit.
  • The whereabouts of Amelia Earhart will finally be discovered. It turns out she has been in line at the Whole Foods in Columbus Circle.
  • The Bitchy Waiter will have something new to bitch about.

Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter blog.
Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.


Share/Bookmark

14 comments:

Kara Hoag said...

Great list. A few on there that will inevitably come true. Mainly the issues that people just don't care about anymore, like American Idol.

karahoag.blogspot.com

Bouncin' Barb said...

Please tell me Oprah will go away now. She used to be good to watch but now she's too opinionated and obnoxious. Even without Gayle.

SlumSlut said...

4-8-15-16-23-42!

Mary A. said...

And the Stephen Colbert/John Stewart ticket will beat the Sarah Palin train.

Jodi said...

How do you come up with these things? You amaze me :)

Jan said...

Hey Bouncin/' Barb. Yes Oprah is going away, she's coming to Australia (thanks very much). They had a lottery to win tickets to her shows, seems someone stuffed up and some poor people who throught they were going, aren't. Good god you'd like they could find something else to cry about!! Especially on the morning news....

The Empress said...

Love your predictions! It is great fun playing a blogosphere psychic.

Let's all pray that twat Bristol does not win DWTS. I've blogged a couple times about that as the situation AND her mother make me want to vomit.

bruce said...

28 dollar movie tickets...you're on crack!!!...oh wait you mean for one ticket? oh okay...yeah hope your wrong on that one...

Sarah Walton said...

Don't know about Palin winning Dancing with the Stars - there is a psycho out there that shot his TV because she sucks so much. Gotta run, I'm gonna post bail for him.

Seer in Secret said...

Oh Bitchy! You make my day! I love reading your blog, you make me miss tending bar and cocktail waitressing one minute and the next I'm glad I am out (hahaha, for now at least!)
You're a doll, don't ever change!

SharleneT said...

Have you ever wondered what you would do if these predictions came true? You are setting things in motion in the Universe that cannot be undone... Where is your feeling for your fellow man? Ah, ha! You wish to be the man on top of the mountain with nothing but a movie theatre to live in and popcorn for dinner... think, man, think...

Doug and Mary Ann said...

Great writing, BW!

Bouncin' Barb said...

Thanks Jan...I feel for you but I'm so happy on this end. I'm not surprised about the money vs. poor folk!

Micheaken Jarden said...

I want to use this opportunity to thank Dr baba for helping me to will the lottery.I have been playing lottery for the past 6 years now and the only big money I have ever won was 7000$ ever since then I have not been able to win again and I was so upset and I need help to win the lottery so I decided to go to a friend of mine call lipa, and she introduce me to Dr baba, there I saw so many good talk about this man called Dr baba of how he have cast spell for people to win the lottery.I contact him also and tell him I want to win a lottery he cast a spell for me which I use and I play and won 50million GBP.I am so grateful to this man just incase you also need him to help you win, you can contact him through his email: worldwidesupremetemple@gmail.com is my part of promise I made, that if I win I tell the word how I win my game. http://worldwideforsolutionforall.webs.com/ bellow is my winning details confirm http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/lottery-winner-gillian-bayford-who-4976282