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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I Got a New Job

Did you hear the angels singing yesterday? Did you see the rainbow form in the sky and end at my doorstep with a unicorn sliding down it? Did you get a whiff of the sweet smell of success? I started a new job. (Cue confetti cannons and balloons, please.) I began training yesterday with what we all know and love: trailing. For those not in the know, trailing is when a new server follows behind someone who teaches newbie the ropes. I hate it. Give me a table chart, a menu and tell me how to ring in food and I'm good to go. It's especially annoying when the one who is training me is younger than my Smiths concert t-shirt that I sleep in. But what choice do I have? None. Like a helpless puppy, I follow Mike around so he can tell where the salt is kept in dry storage. Important, yes, but there are so many other things that I want to know about on my first day of work but you just can't blurt these things out:

  • What do we get for shift meal and when is it?
  • How much did you walk with yesterday?
  • Which of the managers is a bitch and which one is cool?
  • Are we really not supposed to use our cell phones or is that just something they say to the new people? Because I saw that girl texting in the sidestand.
  • So the manager said that our jeans had to be a certain shade so I went and bought a new pair, but now I see people all over the place with faded ones. What the hell?
  • Is the chef who is expediting always so cunty?
  • Which of the servers are not cool, because I don't want to waste time getting to know them if they are losers.
  • Do Jay Z and Beyonce really come in here all the time or is that something they told me at the orientation so I'd be all excited about my new place of employment?
  • Are the managers gonna have an issue with me needing off November 15-17 because I kinda want to go to Washington DC for a couple of days?
  • It's great that we have a barista who deals with all the coffees, teas and cappuccinos, but how much am I going to be tipping their asses out?
  • Do I really have to use a tray to carry a single glass of water because that is so dumb.
  • What happens if I fail my menu quiz? At Bennigan's we were told if we failed it, we couldn't wait tables. I failed it but still waited tables. Do I really need to memorize every fucking ingredient in the chicken liver toast appetizer?
  • Which hostess is the biggest whore? I just wanna know.
I suppose all of these things will eventually be known to me. It's hard being the new guy. None of them know how totally cool I am and that they will soon be starring in this blog. I shan't tell anyone though. It took me long enough to find this goddamn job, so I ain't risking telling the wrong person about The Bitchy Waiter and get my ass fired. I'll just write about them. Soon someone will do something that warrants a whole blog post but will they know about it? Hell no. This is our secret.

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21 comments:

Bouncin' Barb said...

Oh I hate being the newbie. So sucky. Whenever we eat out and there is a "trainee" following we try to acknowledge them and find out if they are experienced. At least it makes them feel noticed. Soon enough you'll be the one with a follower behind you. Good luck on the new job. Hope it turns out good.

Kitten with a Whisk said...

Being a n00b sucks. I always took my n00bs out for a drink after their first night.

Maybe one of your new co-workers already reads you blog? Wouldn't THAT be interesting.

ChiTown Girl said...

Congrats on the new job. I can't wait to read all about the all the hi-jinx :)

Katharine said...

I live in DC! That's super exciting.

Sharlene T. said...

Congratulations! They don't know what they have wrought! Can't wait for the postings... YES, you do have to memorize every single ingredient because that's how I get my jollies -- by asking all about the ingredients and seeing how much smarter my wait-person is than all the others... You could save yourself this by carrying crossword placemats! Come visit when you settle back on earth! And, again, congratulations...

female, I shit you not! said...

4 sure I'll keep your secret safe.
W2G on the new job!!!

Mary A. said...

Mazel Tov!

Chicken Liver Appetizers. . .you must be moving up in the world.

Lolamouse said...

Congratulations on the new job! Does this mean your idea of being a teacher has been put on the backburner? BTW, my word verification was "lecalize." Does that mean making something "almost legal?"

Mustang Sally said...

I hear you on the follow stuff. On my very first job waiting tables after about 10 minutes of following my trainer said This is stupid. She stuck a pen an pad in my and said the only good way to learn this is DO it, and she threw me to the wolves. She was right. I've done it the 'right' way many times since ... always a major pain in the behind.

Congrats on the new job

J.Day said...

Chicken liver toast.

Um. Ew. That sounds soooo wrong. lol

dirtydisher said...

Oh, man. ~rubs hands together~ I feel like I'm in on a secret and I can't wait to find out who's nuts, who's psychotic and who's fuckable.

Married to the Enemy said...

Congrats make sure you let us which server is the biggest whore.

Adventure Spot said...

Congrats!

bruce said...

great news Bitchy!!!

funny stuff...you just crack me up..

i waited tables in the sleepy little burg of GR MI.(actually not so small, but it feels very small) the only famous person (besides me) i saw in the Fridays i worked at was Sinbad...he was cool...he tipped well...

you shoulda seen all the googily eyed idiots swarming around him like they had never seen a famous person before...i treated him like any other customer...partly cuz i wasn't sure if it was really him and cuz i didn't want to be that doofy waiter that goolgilies him if it was him, which it was...

congrats on the new gig...i am sure it won't be long before you are *running* the joint...

Anonymous said...

I CANNOT wait to hear about the first asshole you write about.
;D

Wendy said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!
And why *can't* you ask those questions on your first day? Those are important questions!
You can learn all that *other* shit (the stuff they want you to know) while you're actually waiting tables.
Again...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

=-)

Raisin Hale said...

yay for the use of cunty. still holding out for cuntsicle. you can do it!

Maryam said...

Congrats on the new job, Bitchy Waiter! Being a newbie sucks big time, I must say. But with the kind of cool personality you have, I know it'll feel like home in no time. How do you feel about leaving your old one? You never mentioned that. Anyway, good luck! :)

Kara Hoag said...

You forgot to ask, "How do the bartenders feel about slipping the waitstaff free cocktails, and how often do they do it?"

karahoag.blogspot.com

watergirl said...

Grats on the new job!

Maria said...

Congrats on your new job! I hate being the newbie, too. ALMOST as much as I hate training newbies. But not quite.