Run, Bitchy, Run...on an Elliptical Machine

A lot of times, people ask me how I come up with a topic each day to write about. Sometimes it’s really simple. Some stupid ass may post a comment that is crying out for a response or maybe something in the news gets my wheels to turnin’ and I use it for inspiration. Most commonly though, an event or person at work makes it clear that they are the next thing that should be written about. But sometimes all of those are brick walls. I scratch my head and ponder the possibilities but come up with nothing. These are the times that I have to dig deep into the recesses of my (very shallow) mind. I clear my thoughts and wait for an idea to pop up. I may be in the shower, or about to fall asleep or even at the gym on a cardio machine when a light bulb goes off. But not today.

I was at the gym and on an elliptical machine struggling to do 5,000 strides in thirty minutes and waiting for an idea to come to me. Should I write about the tired ass drama at the new job? Or should I write about that ridiculous handbook full of stupid ass rules that I am trying to familiarize myself with? Suddenly and without warning, I felt the beginning of a brilliant topic on the precipice of my subconscious. I mean, it was really good. Like a blog post that would inspire people to share it with their friends and make this bitch of a blog go viral and then I heard a huge creaking sound. My goddamn elliptical machine was fucked up. I wasn’t about to get off it because I only had 12 minutes left and I didn’t want to jeopardize my distance and calories burned. So I kept going even though it was screeching and moaning the whole remaining 12 minutes plus the three minute cool down. How dare this machine steal an idea from me. The creaking and groaning scared away the most brilliant idea I have ever had and I blame my gym and their crappy ass elliptical machine.

When I got home, I did a Google search to see if I could find some elliptical reviews so I could find out what the fuck was wrong with the machine I was on. I was ready to look their ass up and send them a dirty rotten (and of course anonymous) email raking them and their machine over the coals. I actually found the machine that I was using at the gym (a Nordic Track A.C.T. if you care) and was surprised to see that there was no mention of it breaking down right when people are about to have a brilliant idea. Sure, it gives your upper body a work out and has a heart rate monitor, but it doesn’t do anything to help you remember a great idea that you had for only half a second. Damn you, Nordic Track A.C.T., damn you to hell. I did take the time to forward the elliptical reviews website to my gym because they said they are about to replace all of their machines and I wanted to do my part. Hopefully, the next elliptical machine they buy will not make annoying screeching noises. And I also hope it has a television, because cardio is so much better when you can watch Maury Povich and see if Bubba is or is not the father of Charlene’s baby.

Okay, so tomorrow maybe The Bitchy Waiter will actually be about waiting tables. But bitches, it ain’t easy coming up with something every day. Especially when you're as lazy as I am.