Get some Bitchy Waiter in your email!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Let Me Gaze Into My Crystal Ball

Maybe you didn't know this about me, but I'm a bit psychic. It's true. I predicted our economic downturn, I predicted the election of President Obama and I also predicted that The New Adventures of Old Christine would be cancelled despite an Emmy win for its star Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I'm good, y'all. So let me gaze into my crystal balls and see what is in the future for today.

I was put on the schedule at work for today at 5:00 which is a direct conflict with my other job. I mentioned this to managers through email and personal interaction. I went through all the right channels to make sure it was known that I would not be there today at 5:00. However, according to my vision, at 5:15 I will get a phone call from Lispy Gay wanting to know where I am.
"Hello, Bitchy Waiter? Thith ith Lithpy Gay Manager? Thorry to thee that I got your thell phone becauth I relly need to thpeak to you? I thee that you're on the thchedule but don't thee you here, tho I wath wondering (pause) where are you? Call the rethervathion line ath thoon ath you get thith methage? Thankth."

You wanna know where I am, Lispy Gay? I'm at my other job. The job I told you about when I fucking interviewed with you. I am at the job that I emailed you about eight days ago when the schedule came out. The job that I emailed again about five days ago. The one that I told another manager about two days ago. That job. You don't fucking listen or read your emails so it has become your problem. When you call at 5:15, I will be unable to pick up my phone because I will be in the middle of my shift so you can go ahead and think I am a no call/no show until I forward you all the fucking emails that gave you ample warning about this conflict. Again, I am psychic so I am almost certain this phone call will be happening. Maybe not though, I could be wrong. I also predicted that by 2009 we would all be using Segways to get a around, that Madonna would win an Oscar for Evita and that I would be a rich a successful actor with a Tony award for Best Featured Actor in a Musical by now. So my powers are not perfect. One thing that I can see for certain in the next ten hours? I will be having a citrus martini. I will let you know if my prediction comes true. (The phone call one, not the citrus martini one. The citrus martini is definitely happening.)

14 comments:

aims said...

I follow. I love ya!! ;)

Simple Dude said...

While you are at it, I don't suppose you have any psychic thoughts on my financial future, stressful job or lottery numbers?

That's probably asking too much. How about just whether or not the Chinese takeout in the fridge leftover from last night will be any good at about 6pm tonight? Now info like THAT would make paying a psychic worthwhile.

SD
simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

Mary A. said...

Wow. Gives me chills.

Will I yell at my children tomorrow for not getting out of bed on time, or do I get to skip a Monday?

bruce said...

funny and psychic...

at first i read psychotic...btu that is just me...mebbe it is time to get new glasses...

Simple Dude: the take out in the fridge will be good...at 6 pm this evening...unless it is chicken...then DO NOT EAT it...

chicken has a 6 hour shelf life...experieince, not psychosis er psychics-ness

Bruce

Mark W said...

You know, Madonna should have won that Oscar. Just sayin'

Annoyed said...

Now I just can't wait until 5:15. You should post an update...I'm on the edge of my seat!

jerryg said...

Brilliant!!! Can't wait to see what happens next....

Bouncin' Barb said...

Enjoy that martini!!! Maybe have two. One for me!

SlumSlut said...

I've eaten leftover take-out chicken, shrimp, etc. - Chinese and otherwise - DAYS later. As long as it's been refrigerated, it will be just fine.

The Empress said...

Psychic or not you know that shit is going to go down just the way you predicted.

If possible, please record and post Lispy's voice mail message. That would be hilarious!

Have a great week!

http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

SharleneT said...

Of course, they weren't listening! That would mean they would have to think about the schedule and that's not in the job description... enjoy the martini... come visit when you can...

Maria said...

OMG, I choked on my tea when I read the Lispy Gay's dialogue! Why, oh why do I read your posts and drink ANYTHING??

Mannix said...

I love your little rants especially this one. I think they're becoming my guilty pleasure.

Did your prediction come true?

Ziege said...

Hi

I read this post two times.

I like it so much, please try to keep posting.

Let me introduce other material that may be good for our community.

Source: Banquet waiter job description

Best regards
Henry