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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dear Bitchy Waiter

I need a break from discussing the new job so let us look into the Bitchy Waiter inbox and see who could benefit from the wisdom amassed from 45 years of waiting tables.

Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week. Or just email me to say hello. It makes me happy. Let's see what we find in the mailbag today:

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I have been waiting tables for exactly two weeks. Recently I had someone give me a 50%+ tip on a lunch because he was wooing people who might give him a contract. He called me toward the back, gave me some instructions that would have been obvious otherwise ("Provide those business people with good service!"), and pressed a wad of cash into my hand. "You've given me far too much," I said. "I know," he replied while staring intensely into my eyes. "Well, thank you very much. I will make sure that your table's every need is taken care of." Which I would have done anyway.

So--aside from the fact that it's my job to do what he's just overpaid me to do, and aside from the fact that his requests were for nothing more than the industry standard--what might I do to help him feel that he's getting his tips worth, so he might come back again?

thanks,
bemused


Dear Bemused,

First off let me say how impressed I am with your enthusiasm to serve having only been waiting tables for a mere two weeks. Having someone give you such a generous gratuity so early in your career should signal to you that you have indeed chosen the right path for your life's work. Congratulations! So this man was trying to impress his clients and asked for your assistance by pressing a huge wad of cash in your hand. Surely you did all the things that exceeded his expectations, but there are always a few extra steps a server can take that will impress tables. For example, if someone leaves the table, always take their napkin and fold it into the shape of a swan so that when they return they see that you have been busy. Fresh cut flowers on a table are always nice too and if you don't have any available at your restaurant, they are easy to find these days at grocery stores, delis and even gas stations. Flowers say that you care. I also find that using a guest's name (you can look on the reservation book or on their credit card) always impresses them. Doesn't "Thank you Mr. Jones" sound so much better than plain old "Thank you?" Follow these steps to ensure great service.

There was one point in your letter that caught my attention. When you say the man stared intently into your eyes as he handed you the 50%+ tip, he may been implying something else as well. Oral sex. Now I am not sure if you are male or female, but either way, you should have simply looked into the man's eyes as intently as he looked into yours and said, "Sir, I am a professional. I take pride in my job as a server and I will do whatever I can to make your dining experience a good one. Meet me behind the garbage dumpster in 10 minutes and I will service you until the cows come home. Or until I get another table, whichever comes first." If you are a straight female or gay male, this should be an easy breezy piece of cake. If you are a gay female and the idea of oral sex on a man is insulting to you I say this: 50%+ tip. If you are a straight man, there is something called "gay for pay." Look into it.

Congratulations on your wonderful career choice as a food server. I hope you have many years of happy employment and way to score such a great tip!

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

14 comments:

Bouncin' Barb said...

They're out there, aren't they?

dirtydisher said...

LMAO! I read the first part of the letter and thought..blow job! Ha, aint it great when we think alike?

Mary A. said...

Wait -- who gets the hummer? The salesman or his client?

Just Plain Tired said...

Definitely gives a whole new meaning to dumpster diving. ;)

Mama Sky said...

Mary- the clients get the hummer and if the deal goes thru then that's it. If the clients don't take his deal then the waiter has to service him as well since he/she obviously didn't provide good enough service to impress those clients into picking the business man lol.

Mark W said...

Because, really, who amongst us hasn't blown a customer or two? Or seven? At the same time?

Wendy said...

Haaaaaa!

Kara Hoag said...

I personally like to save my blow-job-for-more-cash moments for when I'm on togo. That way you're already outside and less likely to get caught on camera.

karahoag.blogspot.com

bruce said...

excellent advice...

as usual it is always a trip to visit your blog...

yellowcat said...

Wait a minute...you can make more money giving blow jobs? Now you tell me.

Whitney said...

I LOVE your blog - I was in the restaurant biz for 20 years before I got into real estate 6 years ago. I still have server nightmares - you know the ones - your station is huge and keeps getting sat, you can't get the POS to stop being a video game, and people are ordering things that aren't on the menu. I still miss the free food though.

Anonymous said...

Wait..I can get a blow job by tipping big? Damn...Bitchy, look into my intense eyes while I slip you a fifty.

Throwing In The Apron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Throwing In The Apron said...

You are like the Dear Abby of the server world I love it!!