Warning: the comment section of this post has become hijacked by a crazy fucking bitch who can't unlock her caps. I have deleted most of her comments because she is driving me fucking crazy but I am sure the nut job will be back. Beware.
I don't expect customers to be very smart, so it's not surprising when people give the wrong answer to this question: Hello, how are you tonight? There are so many correct answers to that question such as "I am fine" or "Very well, thank you," but one that is most assuredly incorrect is "I want coffee" or "what's your special?" People, just take a fucking moment to acknowledge your server and at least pretend for a hot second that you're not completely self-absorbed in your own life and have no concern about anything else. Coming from someone who always says good morning to the crusty ass bus driver on the Q32, I know it's not that hard to mumble out a simple salutation whether you truly mean it or not.
Last week, a woman came into the restaurant. I immediately went to her table. "Hello, how are you tonight?" I asked." Without looking away from her stupid cell phone, she said, "Do you have any bread? I'm starving!" Lady, please. You aren't starving. People in Africa are starving. Children in the Appalachians are starving. Supermodels are starving. You are not starving. You do not have a swollen belly nor do I see Sally Struthers anywhere trying to give you some canned goods. What you meant to say was, "I am good, thank you for asking. I am waiting for someone and I'm a bit peckish. Would you mind bringing me a little bit of bread, please whenever you get a chance? Thank you." Customers notoriously give the wrong answer to a myriad of questions. Here are justa few that make me want to pull my hair out but I would never really do that because my hair is sorta "my thing."
Q: Hi, how are you?
A: Do you have a bathroom?
Q: Do you have any questions about the menu?
A: I don't like this table, can I have that booth?
Q:Would you like cheese on your burger?
A: I need bread.
Q: May I take that plate for you?
A: My phone needs to be charged, can you plug it in for me somewhere?
Q: Would you like to hear our specials tonight?
A: It's cold in here.
Q: Are you ready to order anything?
A: Yes, I am. (And then to friend) What are you having? I have no idea.
Q: Did you get a chance to look at the menu yet?
A: I want steak, well done.
Q: Can I get you anything to drink?
A: No I don't drink, I'll have water.
✘ WRONG You do drink water, stupid.
Q: Would you like some more water?
A: We ordered like an hour ago.
Q: Here is your food. Is there anything else I can get for you right now?
✘ WRONG You need A-1, more napkins, more butter and more bread but you will ask me four separate times for them.
Q: How is your steak?
A: Tough and dry.
✔ CORRECT Your steak is tough and dry because you asked for it to be well done, stupid.
Q: How was everything tonight?
A: Oh it was horrible (as they hand me a plate that was licked cleaner than the balls of a yard dog.)
✘ WRONG AND STUPID
Q: Would you like dessert tonight?
A: No, I'm on a diet.
✘ WRONG There is no diet that lets you eat fried calamari, mac and cheese and steak for dinner and three Diet Coke does not mean you are on a diet. It means you are in denial.
And what questions do your customers routinely answer incorrectly?
Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.