10 Rules for Restaurants." Please allow me to examine each of your rules and give you my thoughts on them:
1. Feed kids immediately.
I get it. When kids get to restaurants, they are hungry and they need something right away so they don't drive the parents crazy. Plenty of times, I offer to get their food out first, but it throws off the cook times for the kitchen. So offer them some bread? Sure, no problem. I assume you forgot your goddamn box of Cheerios? And what about when I rush to to get their food out quickly and they are finished eating before the parents have received their food? What happens then is that the kid gets antsy because it's ready to go but the parents are too busy eating their own meal to deal with their child and then the kid starts horsing around and wandering the restaurant. Instead, how about teaching a child patience so they can learn to wait for things just like everyone else does in the world?
2. Don’t clear dishes until the customer is really finished with them.
I agree. I have had my hand right near bitten off when some lady wasn't finished with her spaghetti bolognese. My mistake for assuming that she wasn't going to literally lick the plate clean. And I would never remove a glass that even only has 99.9% backwash left in it. It's still yours and if you're like me, you're gonna drink that 99.9% backwash because .1% of it is still a Cosmopolitan.
3. Bring water as soon as the customer asks.
"If a customer asks for water it’s probably because they are thirsty." Thank you, Captain Obvious. If I bring sodas before the water, it's purely a matter of time management. Very often, the bartender is going to pour those six Diet Cokes your table ordered and they are sitting at the bar on a tray waiting for me to grab them. The waters, on the other hand, are something I have to do myself and maybe it's gonna take a couple of minutes to get them to you. You're not in the Mojave Desert, you'll be fine. Also, just because you're thirsty does not mean that everyone at your table is. Servers hate when a customer says, Can I get a glass of water? Oh, you know what? Just bring everyone a glass of water." Really? Are you sure that all six of you want that glass of water because I have plenty of other things to do than get water for five people who don't even want it. "Also, don’t assume the customer doesn’t want tap water. Unless you’re in
an area where the tap water isn’t safe to drink, always give them a
choice. If there really is something dangerous about the local water,
then you should tell them, but in many cities tap water is actually safer
than bottled water." What the fuck bottled water are you drinking that is dangerous?
4. Be attentive but not annoying. "Waiters and other servers are there to serve customers, not annoy them.
I don’t know what’s worse — needing service and not finding anyone
nearby to help you or trying to have a conversation with a dining mate
and being constantly interrupted by the waiter." I don't know what's worse either -- needing to take an order from someone and having to wait there being ignored while some asshole finishes his story about his hernia operation or having to say, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you ready to order." Yes, I am there to serve customers, so let me do my fucking job and pay attention to me when I get to the table.
5. Seat parties as people arrive.
No, no, no. It may be an inconvenience for you to wait for your whole party, but no, no, no, we should not seat you. Say that two of you show up at 7:00 and tell me that the other six of you are on the way. (They're always "on the way.") So we pull together four two-tops and let you sit down while you wait for them to show up 45 minutes later. My station is now a dead zone and I can't seat anyone else or turn any tables because you have taken most of my station hostage. And then the other six people turn out to be just three people so now five of you are spread out over an eight-top and I am screwed. No, we should not seat incomplete parties. Wait at the bar or in the parking lot or just find some friends who know what it means to be punctual.
6. Don’t make people wait forever for their check, credit card or change.
And on our end, don't ask for the check and then not pay it. We servers hate nonchalantly walking past your table a dozen times to see if you finally pulled your credit card out of your ass. For me personally, I can't wait to give you your change so you can get your ass out of my station and move on to the next table. Turn 'em and burn 'em is the way I make my money.
7. The bill should be legible.
I totally agree.
8. Always disclose or ask before adding condiments, sauces or cheeses.
menu should make it clear if there are sauces or cheese on an item but
even if it’s disclosed on the menu, you should still ask if the customer
wants them on their meal." If it says it on the menu, I am going to assume that you read it. You want me to ask every person who orders the arugula and blue cheese salad if they want blue cheese on it? No. You need to read the menu or deal with the consequences if you don't.
9. Sugar-free means sugar-free.
"If someone orders a sugar free drink like a Diet Coke, be 100% certain that they’re not getting one with sugar." I agree. On the other hand, if a little boy weighs about 200 pounds and he orders his fifth regular Coke, I may substitute a Diet Coke in there just to help him out little bit
10. Don’t make comments.
"If I eat my meal quickly or eat everything on the plate, don’t make a
comment like 'Oh you ate so quickly' or 'You sure like to eat.'" Same goes for you. If you hand me your empty plate, please don't say something like "Oh it was terrible" or "I hated it." Also, I promise to not comment about how quickly you inhaled that loaf of bread if you promise to not ask me what my real job is.
So tell me everyone, what are your thoughts on these rules? Good ideas or bad ones? And you should go to the original site and post a comment there so that Forbes.com knows that one of their articles has been Bitchy Waiter'd. I'm sure Larry Magid would love to hear from you.
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