Birthdays, The Facts of Life, Great Tips and Shitty Ones

May 29th is one of the most special and reverent days of all 365 days of the year. It was on this day, a certain number of years ago before cell phones, iPads and the discovery of fire, that my mother pushed out 7 pounds and 11 ounces of bitch and ended up with a curly haired moppet destined for a life of average. Rumor has it, when the doctor slapped my ass after birth, I slapped him right back and then asked him how he'd like his burger cooked. He handed me to a nurse who wrapped me up in an apron and placed me in a bread warmer. She gave me a piece of paper that had my sidework on it and the rest is history.

I get a lot of photos from people who want to share little bits of their jobs with me. I got these two photos on the same day showing how vastly different tips can be from customer to customer. As fellow birthday girl Lisa "Blair Warner" Welchel says, "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have: the facts of life."

Anyway, back to me. May 29th is a great day to be born.  Don't believe me? Just ask these other people who share my birthday:

• John Hinckley, Jr.-the guy who tried to kill Ronald Reagan
• Annette Benning- cool lady with an old husband
• LaToya Jackson- my dream prom date
• Bob Hope- legendary comedian (Pull out your Ouija board to ask him, because his ass is way dead)
• John F. Kennedy, Jr.- (Ask Bob Hope to ask JFK how he likes his birthday.)
• Melissa Etheridge- lesbian
• Melanie Brown- Spice Girl

As you go through your day today, please take a moment to send out good thoughts to me and my special lady, Lisa Welchel. If you want to give me something for my birthday,  you already have just by reading this. And if you want to give me something else, just share this blog post by clicking "Like."

Thank you for being so awesome.



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Happy Birthday To Me and Lisa Welchel

Today is an auspicious occasion. May 29th is one of the most special and reverent days of all 365 days of the year. It is on this day, a certain number of years ago, at 1:27 PM, that my mother pushed out 7 pounds and 11 ounces of bitch and ended up with a curly haired moppet destined for average. Rumor has it, when the doctor slapped my ass after birth, I slapped him right back and then asked him how he'd like his burger cooked. He handed me to a nurse who wrapped me up in an apron and placed me in a bread warmer. She gave me a sheet that had my sidework on it and the rest is history.

May 29th is a great day to be born. It always falls around Memorial Day so a three-day weekend is a pretty regular occurrence for my birthday celebration. This would be even more special if I wasn't such a lazy ass who has three day weekends all the time. It was always great to have the last day of school right around my birthday and I even graduated from high school on my 18th birthday. A few years ago, a finished college on my birthday. Yes, May 29th is a kick ass day. Don't believe me? Just ask these other people who share my birthday:

• John Hinckley, Jr.-the guy who tried to kill Ronald Reagan
• Annette Benning- one cool-ass actress lady
• LaToya Jackson- a nobody
• Bob Hope- legendary comedian (Pull out your Ouija board to ask him, because his ass is way dead)
• John F. Kennedy, Jr.- (Ask Bob Hope to ask JFK how he likes his birthday.)
• Melissa Etheridge- lesbian
• Melanie Brown- Spice Girl
• Lisa Welchel- the finest actress of The Facts of Life

May 29th is not just a day that produced amazing people, it also is quite substantial in the history of the world. Did you know that on May 29th in 1990, The Russian parliament elected Boris Yeltsin president of the Russian SFSR? Uh huh. And in 1328 Philip VI was crowned King of France. Big news! And Rhode Island and Wisconsin both became states on this date in 1790 and 1848, respectively. In sad news, this is also the day that we lost international icons Fanny Brice (1951), Harvey Korman (2008) and Dennis Hopper (2010).

But back to happy talk. Today is my birthday. Tonight I will be celebrating at a Mexican restaurant and drinking margaritas until there is the very real possibility that tequila will come out of my nose. In other words, pretty much like any other day of the week for me. On Monday, I am having a huge blowout in Central Park and by "huge" I mean about six people, some chicken salad sandwiches and lemonade spiked with vodka. As you go through your day today, please take a moment to send out good thoughts to me and my special lady, Lisa Welchel.

Have a great day! And thank you for being so awesome.


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The True Meaning of Good Friday

What a busy day today is for not only is it Good Friday, it also Earth Day. So as you head over to the recycling center in an effort to appreciate Mother Earth, spend a moment commemorating the day that Jesus was crucified. After you have given proper respect to both of those events, then please turn your attention to the the real reason that April 22 is so damn important. Today is the 85th birthday of Charlotte Rae, also known as Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life. It is no secret that I have a thing for this classic television show as evidenced here. I even dreamed about it a few days ago. In that dream I went to Central Park to meet some friends and when I got there, all of the girls from the show were lounging on a blanket behind us. They were all in bikinis and lookin' good. Even Natalie. Within moments, I was hanging out and having a picnic with them. Can dreams like this really come true? God, I hope so.

So what does Charlotte Rae have to do with The Bitchy Waiter? Gimme a second and I'll come up with something.

Okay, got it. You know on the second season of the show, Charlotte lost a lot of weight so the producers wanted to write it into the script. Therefore they changed her role on the show and Mrs. Garrett went from being housemother to all the girls to being the dietitian for the school cafeteria. All the girls worked there and there were many episodes that had them clearing tables and bussing trays. That Natalie really knew how to hold a bus tub. In another episode, Jo decided to become an entrepreneur and started selling pizzas from a recipe handed down from her mother, Rose. In this episode, Charlotte Rae gives her finest line reading of all time, "What's that wonderful smell?" (at the 18 second mark). You see? More food service involving Mrs. Garret and the girls. They were practically the original Bitchy Waitresses and Mrs. Garret was head bitch. And who can forget their foray into business when they opened Edna's Edibles which was a bakery? Yet again, The Facts of Life is about service and food, just like my life. The store eventually burned down because producers were probably sick of looking at that set that consisted of wicker baskets and breads and wanted something hip and cool to keep the kids interested. This is when they took the show into the wrong direction by opening a gift shop called "Over Our Heads" where they sold inflatable palm trees, records by Oingo, Boingo and other stupid ass shit. This was when Charlotte Rae knew she needed to jump that ship and get the hell out of Dodge.

But happy birthday to you, Charlotte Rae. I wish you would come into my station so I could sing a song to you and present you with a semi-thawed birthday cake with a dirty birthday candle that I found in the back of the drawer underneath an old menu insert. But for you, I would really mean it when I sang. For you are my food service inspiration for the day.


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The Facts of Life

"You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both and there you have, the facts of life." And one fact if life is that all good things must come to an end. I am one sour bitch today because my vacation is over. Within a few hours, I will be back in New York City where according to my averagely-smart phone, the weather is cloudy and rainy with a 95% chance of I-hate-it-here. I had some great service here in South Beach. The one thing I noticed though is that almost every single server was in no hurry to give us our check. Maybe it's because the tip is already included and they were like, "whatever" but I hate waiting for my check. When my cocktail is empty and my plate has been licked clean (seriously, I have no shame when it comes to a good sauce), I want my check. This is even more important when I am on vacation because I am ready to get to the next activity whether it be parsailing, jet skiing, visiting a museum to see a cultural art exhibit based on the trails and tribulations of Floridians who fled Cuba or just going to the next bar to see what their happy hour is. (Most of those activities are things that I never even considered doing, by the way.) As of this morning I learned to simply ask for my check as soon as the food arrived so I could be on my way.

So it's back to New York City and I must put up a front. My exterior must remain tough and strong even though inside I am a soft mass of messy emotion. I liken myself to television's Jo Polniaczek from The Facts of Life played by serious actress Nancy McKeon. Sure, on the outside she was a tough as nails, no-nonsense closet dyke who never let anyone see her soft side. (Well, Blair saw her soft side one time but that was after one too many California Coolers and they swore they would never talk about that occurrence again even though Tootie was spying on them and saw the whole thing and then told Natalie who told Mrs. Garrett, but whatever.) Jo hid her emotions so people would think she was a real tough cookie. I shall play Jo today. My face will say, "Meh, my vacation's over. No biggie.' My heart is saying, "What the fuck? I have to go back to making my own meals? And who is going to do my turn-down service? And when I need ice, I will have to go to my kitchen to get it instead of dialing housekeeping? This sucks! This sucks!" On the outside, my eyes are dry. On the inside they are wet with tears. And they might be a little bit bloodshot.

Happy Birthday, Nancy McKeon. Born on April 4, 1966!