Welcome, February 15th. Servers Love You.

It is February 15th and we have survived another year serving on Valentine's Day. We all know it was horrible; two-top after two-top streaming into the restaurant trying to have their very own private special moment while crammed into a section that normally has three tables but on this day has five. Yes, we made money. Yes, we we worked hard. Yes, we welcome February 15th with open arms.

Here are some of the highlights of my  Valentine's Day:

•  Getting to work and seeing that the whole menu had been reprinted and everything was one dollar more than it was on February 13th.
• The mother and father who told their four year-old, "This is Mommy and Daddy's night, so we need you to be really quiet and play on the iPad." Cut to two hours later when the kid interrupts their lovemaking to ask for a glass of water and they just scream out for him to go play Angry Birds.
•  Amanda and her two girlfriends who could not understand why it was going to take an hour to get them a three-top.  The restaurant was set up for couples and it takes forever for two two-tops that are next to each other to leave at the same time. Amanda and Company left after twenty minutes, presumably to go home to their dates for the evening: Ben and Jerry and big side of lonely
• The man who called at 7:30 asking for a reservation. Hey, buddy, you're lucky we even had time to answer the phone. Any guy calling at 7:30 on Valentine's Day has poor time management skills and a really pissed off girlfriend. You're worse off than the men I saw at CVS yesterday afternoon scouring the picked over aisle of candy. Plan ahead, dude.
• Brian who called at 9:15 to see if we were still on a waiting list. I told him that we only had two people on the list and I expected it to be slowing down in the next half hour or so. He showed up ten minutes later as part of a five-top and got pissed off that there was no table for them. "I just called, like two minutes ago and someone told me there were only two people on the list!" he tells me. "It was me you talked to, it was about ten minutes ago and people have continued to come in since then. And you did not tell me you were a party of five." They waited at the bar for thirty minutes until I was able to shove them into a booth that was way too small for five people.
• The moment my manager finally cracked a smile. It didn't happen until almost 10:00. I expected him to have a managerial boner about the potential cover count but I guess the stress was too much to make him excited. He couldn't relax until he saw the light at the end of the "Closing at 11:00 Tunnel."
• My co-workers who opened up a can of kick ass teamwork and made the night smooth and tolerable and almost enjoyable.
• Telling people "no substitutions" all night.
• Leaving work only forty-five minutes later than planned but still before closing.
• Getting home to a surprise dinner of chicken and penne with homemade vodka sauce, salad and warm bread accompanied by pink tulips and a chilled bottle of champagne, followed by chocolate cupcakes with vanilla ice cream. Yes, I have a better husband than my husband does.

And how was your Valentine's Day??



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A Valentine's Day Prayer for Servers

 

God, please be with me today as I am bombarded with lovebirds 
who will sit in my station all night and look at each other all googly-eyed.
Give me the strength to not hate them when they order the $29.99 Valentine's Day Special, which consists of an app, two entrees and a dessert 
and normally would cost around $40.00 and I would get tipped at least $8-10 but tonight will only net me about $6-7. 
God grant me the sanity to accept the things I cannot change, like the fact that some people will be out to dinner for the first time in 12 months;
Give me the courage to change the things I can, like a burger that is under-cooked but not one that is over-cooked;
I also ask to earn the wisdom to know the difference between a man who is there with his wife and a man who is there with his mistress. 
Please be with me when that lady comes in from the street who normally sells bootleg DVD's but tonight will be selling plastic long-stemmed roses that light up; be with me so I know not to swat that bitch out of the restaurant with a rolled-up newspaper the same way I would a fly or a dog who just peed on the rug. 
I will be trusting that the kitchen will make all things right
if I surrender to their will;
And that I may be reasonably happy with this shift
and supremely happy when I get to leave with a pocket full of blood money.
Forever in the next.
Amen.



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It's Valentime's/Florence Henderson Day

Time to pull out the heart shaped box of candy you bought at the Walgreen's last night and give it to your best ho, because it's Valentine's day. Or in the words of my boss, "Valentime's Day." Cupid is all up in your business today and making sure you are either happily wrapped up in a relationship or feeling like a complete and total loser for not having some one to buy a card for. On Valentine's Day, there is no in between. It's a tough holiday, especially for those of us who have to work in a restaurant. You go in on your usual Tuesday night and it's slow and steady and no big deal but let that Tuesday fall on February 14th and you're gonna be swamped with couples who are trying to make that Awesome Blossom they are splitting the most romantic thing in the world. Everyone feels the need to spend a little extra on dessert and champagne but many times that does not translate to a bigger tip. Valentine's day for waiters is not fun; more work, more customers, a prix fixe menu that we have to figure out and in certain restaurants the used condoms on the bathroom floor are never fun to step over. (I'm looking at you T.G.I. Friday's in Times Square.)

I used to do singing telegrams and Valentine's Day was the busiest day of the year. Why the hell anyone wanted to pay me to put on a tired ass California Raisin costume and sing "Heard it Through the Grapevine," I'll never know. One year, all I did was the "Classy Telegram" all day. That involved a white tuxedo, a single red rose and a heart-shaped balloon. Sitting on the F train trying to figure out how to get to the Bronx to sing "The Way You Look Tonight" is enough to make one hate this day forever. Or how about when you are in elementary school and you have that traumatic experience when the basket next to your desk has only one card in it and it's from your teacher? Horrible. In high school there was always a fundraiser on Valentine's day. Some club would be selling red carnations for a dollar apiece and then throughout the day they would be delivered to classrooms. Of course it was all about popularity. My ass would have about two droopy ass flowers, one of which I bought for myself, and then Guy freakin' Hoffman would have two or three dozen. Valentine's day can suck it.

This is why I prefer to think of this day as Florence Henderson Day. Today is her birthday so on February 14th, cupid is not the only one who is wandering around half naked with a bow and arrow and a glass of Chardonnay. (I have it on good authority that this is Florence's favorite way to celebrate her birthday.) So tonight when you raise your glass of Boone's Berry Farm, please do so in honor of the lovely lady herself, Florence Henderson. But if you insist on only thinking of this day as Valentine's day, then at least call it Valentime's day. I kinda hate when people call it that, but if you aren't going to call it Florence Henderson Day, I guess Valentime's is better than nothing.




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Valentine's Day Advice for Men

Today is the day we think it's okay to eat sixteen ounces of chocolate from Walgreen's. It's February 14th and Valentine's Day. Thankfully, I am not working in a restaurant this evening so I will not have to look at all the couples who are goo-goo ga-ga over each other as they share a plate of cheese fries. Instead, I will be at a restaurant all goo-goo ga-ga and sharing a pitcher of Margaritas with that special someone. There may be food involved as well, but there will definitely be tequila. I will keep this brief because I am ready to get my VD on, but I wanted to share a few thoughts about this day. Some pointers, if you will, for the two or three guys who read this blog:

• Do not buy your roses at the deli.
• There are other flowers other than roses. Your girlfriend might appreciate a bit of thinking outside the box. A dozen long-stemmed roses are so traditional and so very fucking done.
• Do not buy any flowers that have baby's breath in them. If they are in the bouquet you bought at the Stop and Shop, take that shit outta there. It's tacky and makes the flowers look even cheaper than they probably were.
• One single rose is not romantic. It's lame. If it lights up, you are especially lame.
• A bigger Valentine card does not mean you are more romantic. No girl wants that big huge card that they have to lug around all day. It will get thrown away. Trust me. Simple is better. And write something on it. More than a sentence. It will take you far.
  
• No stuffed animals. She doesn't want another stuffed teddy bear that says "I love you beary much."
• You don't have to buy that big ass heart-shaped box of chocolate. Try something like an upscale chocolate place (Kees, Leonidas, or Godiva in a pinch) and just choose four or five truffles that are unique and delicious. Like a passion fruit truffle or a raspberry one. Your girlfriend doesn't want a hundred pieces of chocolate that will make her ask you later if you think she looks fat.
• Hold her hand. Be nice. Say you love her.
• Tell her how cool The Bitchy Waiter is.

Alright. And scene. Off for Margaritas. Happy Valentine's Day!




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Fuck Cupid

Valentine's weekend has arrived, so dust of your single red roses and chocolate candy in the heart box. I have been invited to participate in a Valentine's Day Round Robin of bloggers where we each write about this oh so special holiday and then share the links with each other. I hope you will take a moment to read some of these other fine bloggers to see what they think about Valentine's day. My post is below. It's called Fuck Cupid. Because, I'm sweet that way.

• Andrea Davis: Pure Food Nutrition: Valentine’s Day Chocolate: Good & Good for You?

• Ann Mehl: A Man and His Word on Valentine’s Day

• Artists & Fleas: Gift Guide: From Brooklyn-Tough Love, Show Your Love, and Lovely Little Licks, Bites & Nibbles

• Brooklyn Flea: You Gotta Have Heart

• The Experimental Gourmand: Valentine’s Day Special Dinner

• Hell’s Kitchen Flea Market: A Blog Affair to Remember

• Markets of New York City: Love is in the Air: Three Great Valentine’s Dates at the Markets

• Metalicious Jewelry: Well Hello February

• The NewNew: What Makes Valentine’s Day Sweet to Me

• Kumquat Cupcakery: My Messy Pink Kitchen

Fuck Cupid

Valentine's Day is upon us and that means it's time to come up with the most romantic and unique gesture of love to show that special someone that you really care. That is, of course, if you are actually in a relationship. If you are single, then Valentine's Day is basically a reminder that you are alone and no one loves you. It's a weird little holiday we have. If you aren't in a relationship when Valentine's Day comes around, you wish you were and if you are in a relationship on Valentine's day, then there is a butt load of pressure to do the right thing.

I remember back in college when I never dated, when February 14th would roll around I would be consumed with depression. So one year I decided that I would just sit in my dorm room and watch television and treat myself to a pizza. I called up Domino's to place my order and began my night of celebrating myself. (Masturbation.) When the pizza arrived, I opened the box to see the most disgusting thing that could be delivered to a lonely person on Valentine's Day. The pizza was shaped like a goddamn fucking heart. It was a slap in the face to me who wanted to forget that everyone I knew was out with their boyfriend or their girlfriend. On the box was scrawled "Happy Valentine's Day!" but it may as have well said, "What kind of sad loser spends Valentine's Day alone in your dorm room? You suck." I cried. I ate my pizza. I masturbated. I cried again. Happy Valentine's Day.

Years later when I was partnered and we had celebrated many Valentine's Days, we made the decision to not really acknowledge that day anymore. No more gifts or flowers or chocolates. Just dinner if we felt like it. One night we had tickets to a show so we wanted to go to our favorite Italian restaurant before. It was a Tuesday night so we were surprised to see how crowded it was. We sat down and were given the menu which was much more expensive than it was the last time we had eaten there. The menu was all prix fixe and came with a bottle of wine. "What happened? Why is it so expensive now?" we wanted to know. We were told it was Valentine's Day so they had created a special menu for us. Bull fucking shit. We didn't even know it was February 14th. We promptly left because there was no way I was going to pay twice as much for the pasta on that day than I would have on the day before. Cupid can go fuck himself.

I think most of us have a love/hate relationship with Valentine's Day. We all know it's a day that was created by Hallmark and flower companies to boost sales in a slow time of year. If you have a girlfriend, you have to make sure you get her a card, a gift, some chocolates, a diamond and some flowers. It ain't easy. So I say if you're single on Valentine's day, live it up. Be happy that you don't have all the expectations of those folks who are part of a couple. When you see that little naked Cupid baby floating by with his wings and bow and arrow, I say get your can of Raid and spray the hell out of that bitch until he chokes on fumes. Valentine's Day can suck it.


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