Lost and Found

This list could go on and on and on. Over the years I have been amazed at what people will leave behind when they are done eating at a restaurant. How come no one ever leaves a fucking iPhone or mp3 player? It's always a just a crappy pair of reading glasses or an old ratty pack of cigarettes.

Things to NOT Leave at Your Table

I am moved to write because today some lady threw her baby into a mega-stroller and rolled it into my station. The baby looked like it was a few weeks old and I don't know why the fuck anyone would drag their weeks old baby to eat at my place, but she did. Actually I should say her nanny did. Mother just talked on the phone and took cell phone pictures of it. Maybe she was Grandmother. Bitch looked old. First thing: "Can you turn down the music? The baby is asleep." Whatever. Point of story is when they left. I went to clear the table and there was a tiny diaper rolled into a ball that was sitting with the dirty dishes and used napkins. Like I won't notice a fucking dirty diaper. So I have decided to make a list of things to not leave at your table:

• diapers
  
• snot rags
  
• babies
  
• trash from other restaurants
  
• hair pieces
  
• magazines that I don't want to read like Time or Ladies Home Journal
  
• crappy cell phones
  
• your bad attitude
  
• odor
  
• junk mail
  
• your phone number (ugly people only)
  
• apple cores, banana peels or sunflower seeds
  
• used gum
  
• gum of any kind
  
• dirty diapers
  

Bite Me

By now, you may now be sick of reading this shit that you can just read in the archives anyway, but my ass is still in the South dealing with driving a car and eating all things fried. But it's always fun to read about teeth, is it not?

LOST: teeth!

Brunch was busy and full of the usual suspects of women and men who had way too many children. Just way too many. I seriously want to chip in and buy some of them a box of condoms. One table in particular had about four or five kids at it. They all wanted to order things we don't have and they complained too much. When they finally rolled out, we realized they had left a retainer on the table. I am not talking like "a partial fee paid in advance for professional services" kind of retainer (thanks, investorwords.com), I am talking about those ugly ass contraptions that go into a mouth to keep you from getting buck teeth and shit. That kind of retainer is what was on the table. Uh huh. Gross. I know. One of the bus boys brought it to me and I was like "I don't want that shit, throw it away!" Apparently though orthodontics are not cheap so it was determined that it would be saved for when they came back in to find it. I put it into a to-go container. Moments later the Grandma drags her bag of bones in yelping about it. I told her that yes, we had it and I went to get it for her. I handed her the box and she says "I better make sure its the right retainer." I looked at her in the one eye that was not clouded over with a cataract convention and said, "I assure you it is the only retainer that was left on table 101 all day long. It is yours." She still looked.

Reminds me of a time a few years ago that this man came back into the restaurant I was working at and asked me if I had found his gold teef. "Teef?" I asked. "Yeah, I took out my gold teefs and left them on the table and now they's gone." Apparently, some people wear removable gold teeth and leave them wrapped up in a napkin and then get really upset when said napkin with said gold teeth gets thrown away. He was not happy. Said he was gonna sue. Easy for him to say.