All The Rage and Very Stupid: Babyccinos

I have written about entitled parents and their entitled children way too many times, but it never seems to be enough. I can always find something else to say about the subject. Please allow me to beat the dead horse.

An article popped up recently on Yahoo news about a new trend in Park Slope, Brooklyn called "babyccinos." It is what all the cool hip parents are serving their adorable kids: coffee drinks aimed for toddlers. According to the article, the drinks are mostly steamed milk or mini decaf cappuccinos. According to me, it's fucking ridiculous. Why in bloody coffee bean hell does a two-year old need a cappuccino? Will the cappuccino give the kid that boost of energy it needs for that very active play date that's scheduled for 1:00? Will the steamed milk help it fall asleep for it's afternoon nap? Do mom and dad have money to burn so they are cool with throwing a few extra bucks to the barista? I don't get it. What ever happened to formula, breast milk, water and American-grown, identity-preserved organic soy and whole-bean processed milk?

“My child has been going to cafes since he was a newborn,” said Katherine Haver, a freelancer who works out of coffee shops, sometimes with her nearly two-year-old son. “ ‘Coffee shop’ was one of his first words.” Really, Katherine? Your son's first words were "coffee shop?" Are you sure his first words weren't "pretentious mommy?" So here we have a woman who sits in Starbucks all day with her son parked in his SUV all-terrain stroller as she checks in on FourSquare and Facebook. People are constantly trying to walk through the aisle, but they can't because her son is there vegging out and drinking a stupid ass coffee drink that she paid two bucks for.

And that's another thing. My friend Suze Orman often refers to the "latte factor" which was originally coined by financial author David Bach. What this is is spending little amounts on a daily basis and not realizing how much you are spending in the long run; like a $4.00 latte every weekday ends up being over $1000 a year. Aren't these parents setting their kids up for a constant financial need for things that they don't actually need? When Junior is eight years old and wants a tall pumpkin cappuccino, where is that money going to come from, mom? Your fucking pocketbook, that's where. In the words of Marie Antoinette, "let them drink water."

The only thing that I think is worse than getting your kid addicted to a daily coffee drink is letting your kid drink too much soda. I saw a kid in his stroller on the 7 train last week. It was about three years old and he was drinking a can of Coca-Cola. His hand was so small that he could hardly hold it, but he was drinking it. Of course the kid was fat. I wanted to rip that can out of his pudgy little fist and explain to his mom what a bad habit this is, but the mom was munching on a giant bag of Doritos, so what was the point really?

Babyccinos may be the new rage in Brooklyn, but I like the quote from baritsa Sean Chin who works at Gorilla Coffee in Park Slope who says, “I have one customer who says that and it annoys the hell out of me.” Good for you, Sean Chin. I hope that you still have your job after being so vocal about the annoying parents who frequent your shop, but I commend your attitude. It is annoying. It's stupid and unnecessary too. I can think of no real reason for two-year old children to be ordering coffee drinks other than entitled parents thinking their child is so special and mature that they should be doing something that is for adults. It reminds me of Processed Chicken Lady; "So my child has to eat processed chicken because he's not worthy of steak?" No, your child wants to eat processed chicken just like he wants to drink apple juice. Parents, stop trying to pretend that your kids are adults. When your kid can afford a cappuccino and also pronounce it and spell it correctly, maybe then it's alright. Any time before that, it's just fucking stupid.




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We are not a Starbucks

I have noticed lately that more and more people feel perfectly fine bringing in their own cups of coffee to my restaurant. Do they not get how incredibly rude that is? We sell coffee. I have to French press it every time it's ordered so it's not like it's some skanky ass sludge that we call coffee and then overcharge for it. We charge two bucks for good premium coffee that we make to order. But every day some whore comes in straight from the Starbucks across the street with her grande mocha frappe fuckacino and sits in my station. It's always a women. Men don't do that. Would you carry in a Pizzeria Uno pizza to a Pizza Hut and eat there? No. Or would you order a frosty at Wendy's and then go eat it at Dairy Queen? No. But with coffee, people think it's okay. Stop it. What I hate most about it is if a bitch brings in her own coffee, when am I supposed to spit in it? A couple of weeks ago, when I brought the food to the table one lady was not there anymore. Her friends said she would be right back but she had to run an errand. Bitch showed up two minutes later with three cups of coffee from Dunkin' Donuts. What? For real?? I should have sold those three cups of coffee, increasing the check by $6.00 and therefore increasing my tip by a dollar. THEY ARE STEALING MY TIPS. Maybe next time I should just ring their food in to go and tell them I assumed they wanted to go eat it somewhere else.