Happy Turkey Day, Mo Fo's

Today is the day. The day that we gather around the table with friends and family to express our thankfulness for all the blessings that have been bestowed upon us. We say our blessing (the one time a year we do it) and then get down to business. Pass the mashed potatoes, bitch, I's hungry. We skip the crappy bowl of English Pea Salad that Aunt Cheryl makes every fucking year. No one eats it. She just makes it as a joke and then we throw it away at the end of the day because we are Americans and we do things like throw away perfectly good food. Happy Thanksgiving! We cram our faces full of turkey and ham because we need two meats on our table. And then it is time for the real food. Dessert. Pecan pie, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, coconut pie, cookies, brownies, fudge, ice cream. We need it all because it is Thanksgiving and that is what thanksgiving is about; eating ourselves into a food induced coma until we have to roll into the living room and onto the couch to watch some stupid ass football game until we fall asleep. And then wake up later to eat another piece of pie. Burp.

I am off to work. Because I am a waiter. I don't do these family things with my family. I get on train to go to Upstate New York and celebrate Thanksgiving with another family. And when I say "celebrate" I mean, serve their food, make their coffee, clear their table, wash their dishes and then clean their fucking kitchen.

CLICK HERE TO HEAR A SPECIAL THANKSGIVING MESSAGE FROM THE BITCHY WAITER