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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

One Pissed Off Pizza Delivery Guy

Not all pizza delivery guys are created equal it seems. Last week in Des Moines, Iowa, Chloe Teply decided she wanted to order a pizza to feed her face. The thing is though she didn't have enough money to tip the driver but she figured, "No big whoop, I just won't tip him." Her mistake. The next morning, she found the door of her apartment to be covered in sweet frothy urine. With amazing powers of deduction, she determined that the only person who had recently been at her door who might have reason to piss the fuck all over it just might possibly be that guy who had hand-delivered her a Super Supreme Pizza, a  feast of pepperoni, ham, beef, pork sausage, Italian sausage, red onions, mushrooms, green peppers and black olives that she probably ate all alone in the dark while watching Twilight. And oh yeah, she didn't tip him, so maybe he was upset. Gee, Chloe, you think?

"It's just one of those things where unfortunately, I don't have the money," said Chloe in between bites of her sides of Buffalo Burnin' Hot Wings and Cheese Sticks. A quick look of the surveillance video confirmed her suspicions and Pizza Hut was contacted and the guy was fired. Chloe goes on to say that maybe him being fired is not enough. "I mean, is he gonna come back and clean it up? I didn't expect him to, but maybe I should make a few phone calls, you know? See what he's doin'"

Yeah, he lost his job so he has all the time in the world to come back to your poor white trash apartment complex and mop up some pee.

Chloe, always the sensitive soul, also says, "If you're gonna be really upset about things like that maybe you shouldn't be a pizza delivery guy at all."

Okay. No, I do not condone peeing on the door. Everyone knows that the delivery guy went way past the line with that move, but who here doesn't understand his frustration? He's not delivering pizza because it's fun, he's doing it to make money. I have said it before and I will say it again: tipping is part of our culture. Plan on it. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to order food or eat out.

I know the question on all your lips is, "But what would you have done, Bitchy Waiter?" I will tell you. I would have told Chloe thank you very much with a most sincere smile. I then would have gone back to my car and pulled out a pen and some paper to write down her address so I would be sure to remember it. I then would have gone home and pulled up a one of those websites that prisoners go to in order to find pen pals. I would have found some hot mess who is looking for companionship and write a letter on her Chloe's behalf. Someone like this guy, Joseph:

 

His profile: "33 years old, 5'10", 191 pounds. Hot, spicy foods are some of life's simple joys I really dig. And do with enthusiasm! Likes to eat." Sounds like a match made in Buffalo Burnin' Hot Wings Heaven.

On the other end of the pizza delivery guy spectrum, I got an email from someone named Kitty. She says, "So today I ordered pizza from this little local Italian restaurant in my town. I usually have the same driver each time. I tip 6 or 7 bucks each time. About 10 min after he left I heard a knock on the door. It was the driver. Apparently there was an extra 20 stuck to the money I handed him and he wanted to return it. I was so shocked I let him keep it. I had to chase him across the street to get him to keep it lol. Having someone be so honest made my day and I hope I made his too."

I would suspect that most pizza delivery guys fall somewhere between these two. Not all of them are going to pee on your door if you stiff them and not all of them are going to drive back if they think you tipped them too much. The only thing we can know for sure about this story is that Chloe Teply is cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap.



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30 comments:

Anonymous said...

Or how about the pizza delivery guy who came to my door - total was like $12.

handed him a twenty he then 'spoka no english' and then said...'sorry....no change'. Batted his eyes and then left!

I was so stunned - he def heard about that 'slick' move in the end! Thief!

jenn said...

LOVE the pen-pal idea!

KB said...

"No big whoop, I just won't tip him." Have never liked that term "no big whoop" until now. Only you, BW.

You know, I usually only tip three bucks/20% on one pizza but every time you write about pizza it sounds like most of your commenters tip more. I actually stressed about it a little bit after I ordered the last time and have been wildly over-tipping everyone else since then.

California Girl said...

2nd anecdote restores the faith. Some people really are nice.

Did you notice the tv station mis-spells pizza. On the virtual map it reads "puzza". Perhaps they're trying to protect the identity of the business :>P

Anonymous said...

Granted the delivery guy was wrong, but what a cheap....

Practical Parsimony said...

Ooooo, I see the prisoner thing as the solution to my problems!

Nathan Partyka said...

It makes you wonder whether in his mind he thought he was really clever by doing it, and that perhaps no one would ever trace it back to him.

Guess what buddy, even without the surveillance it would have been pretty obvious, however proving it would have been more difficult.

Big brother is watching you pizza people.

Anonymous said...

sounds like something springs1 would do - stiff the delivery guy, I mean.

DanORants said...

The two actually sound like a perfect match!

You know Chloe is single, and I am pretty sure the Pizza Delivery guy is as well... they should hook up!

Adam Hawthorne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Confessions from the Hairdresser said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Confessions from the Hairdresser said...

Sorry to keep commenting and then deleting, my account is acting all fucked up.

I totally condone peeing on the door. Maybe it will provide some incentive to tip in the future.

The stupid thing was complaining, because HE KNOWS WHERE SHE LIVES. I hope he goes back and pees through her mail slot next time... ...or lights her house on fire.

Rogue Wino said...

I can't condone frothy pee-bombing, but I'm still laughing my ass off

Vicky Gallas said...

I delivered pizza for years so empathy with the driver is easy. If she couldn't afford to tip the driver, she should have gotten in her car and drove to pick-up the pizza; that's why there's takeout.

What he did was over-the-top, but when some bleach-blonde living in a $million+ house told me to "keep the change" on a $40 Domino's order once, I dug her pennies out of my pocket and handed her the $.18, stating that she obviously needed it more than I did. The angry and indignant witch tried her best to get me fired, though to no avail. Giving a crappy customer their change back, whether they want it or not, is not something they fire over. ;)

Yup - I knew people that dumped their garbage on the lawn instead though. lol

Unknown said...

My kid used to get great tips delivering pizza to the local refineries in the harsh winter.

Been waiting for you to write about the receipt with notation of "Single Mom, Sorry" on the tip line - the bill was $138.35.

Anonymous said...

If you can't afford to tip the delivery guy, then WALK TO THE DAMN PIZZA PLACE YOURSELF AND PICK IT UP. Actually, DON'T FRIGGIN ORDER ANYTHING.

Unbelievable how lazy people are.

Karen said...

As a food runner, I understand tipping. I know anyone working in that industry does. It blows my mind when the bill is 23.49 and someone leaves $24. Or a single dollar. SHAME SHAME! Go to mcdonalds! Get your bucks worth!

Anonymous said...

It must be a British thing but i have no idea why that guy felt he had a right to urinate on someone else's property because she didn't pay him an additional fee to do his job. A tip is voluntary, not a human right

Mrs. Katie said...

I wouldn't piss on someone's door, but... I do think she deserved it for her ignorant attitude. Why do people keep saying they "can't afford to tip", yet they can afford to eat out and order food all the time??? If you're that broke, make your own food, or heat up a can of freaking ravioli.

Joanne said...

If she's so strapped for cash that she can't afford the tip (which she said wasn't much in the first place) she should go to her local grocer. Pick up a Tombstone pizza for a few bucks and pop it in the oven.
As gross and wrong as that was, they must be very bored there for that to make the news.

MaeZ said...

I always tip $5.00 or more to the driver. No matter the cost of the pizza, or if the pizza place adds a fee already. I figure if somebody is paying their own gas to bring me cheesy, carby goodness so my lazy butt doesn't have to cook or go get it, it is worth the $5. Especially if the weather is shit or if it is late.

Anonymous said...

I am from a suburb of Des Moines. Go figure, we finally make the news for something, and it would have to be this.... A guy peeing on someone's door because the person didn't tip. Way to make us all look stupid. Thanks Chloe and pizza guy. *rolls eyes*

Anonymous said...

Good Gods..

BW, not a comment per se, but you've got to see this level of entitled breeder: www.gawker.com/5959307/how-to-be-the-most-helpful-slave-you-can-be-for-me-and-my-baby ...

Astonished,
PolishSpring

Mannix said...

I make sure to tip just because, for some reason, whenever I tip, the service and speed of delivery improves tremendously with each order.

Simon said...

Need a little help in the restaurant industry? Try going to Culintro.com to take the weight of staffing and job searching off your shoulders.

cynmarie said...

If a person can't afford a tip, it doesn't mean they need do without a pizza. There's such a thing as carryout.

Brad Carter said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX-oxuE9q9s - here's a followup to this story. A bunch of people in Des Moines got called by a prank caller who apologized for peeing on their doors.

maxi said...

@Anonymous
Thats because in the UK we have a halway decent minimum wage (though it's a good pound off a living wage!) and in America if you work in a tipped industry you can be a paid shockingly low hourly wage. Hence why food is so cheap over there and why it is good to tip properly!

Now you could argue that this calls for some sort of change in the law and blah de blah blah and you would be right. But until that happens then tipping service staff in America is v important!

And, speaking as a waitress here in the UK, tipping is still expected. We don't wait on tables for the glamour of it! It is the cash in my pocket at the end of the week (so I can buy such frivolties as food and a bus pass). The minumum wage does nothing except pay my rent and bills!

Nunca Sera said...

Are you serious? Thank god we won the Revolutionary War and came to the aid of the british in multiple wars.....

jowdjbrown said...

Yeah, he lost his job so he has all the time in the world to come back to your poor white trash apartment complex and mop up some pee.pizza abu dhabi