The Adventures of Lispy Gay #4

And now the conclusion of The Adventures of Lispy Gay. Thank you for indulging me with this foray into creative writing. Tomorrow I will get back to bitching. You can read installment #1 here. And installment #2 here. And installment #3 here.

"Mi nombre es Stefano. I want to talk to you." Lispy Gay didn't know who this was on the other end of the line. The voice sounded familiar, but the name didn't ring a bell. "You know me as Steven? I deliver for Choking Chicken?" A brief moment and then Lispy realized he was talking to the very man who was the pawn in his whole blackmailing scheme. The blackmailing scheme that seemed to no longer matter because the wife of the man he was threatening was here in his home and she didn't even care if her husband was gay. This was the worst Christmas village day ever. "Oh, hi there, tho nith of you to call. How are you thith morning?" He was careful to not say his name since Priscilla was a few feet away and listening to the conversation. Or maybe he should say the name and blow this whole thing out of the water and get back to his day of decorating. "Yo neccisito to tell you something, si?" Lispy Gay put his hand over the mouthpiece. "Prithilla, I have to take thith call. I'll be right back." He stepped into his craft/Christmas wrapping room and shut the door. 'What ith thith all about Theven?"

"Sir, yo quiero to know that Sam on his way to your casa. And I want to tell you that I don't love him no more. You can have him. He is yours now." Lispy didn't know what to say. So he said, "I don't want Tham. Why ith he coming here?" Stefano, crying and sniffing, said, "Because every time I give him my special delivery in his office, under his desk, he always saying your name and not mine. He love you Lispy Gay, not me. You take him. He yours now. Beech." He hung up.

"Oh dear, Tranny Thore Ath Rex, Tham loveth me? And he'th on hith way here? But what about Prithilla? And what about Department 56th Original Thnow Village?" He walked back into the living room where he saw Priscilla admiring his collection of thimbles, one from each state. "Prithilla, I think it might be bethst if you go home. I'm thorry about Tham, but I juth can't help you and I have a lot to do before my mother comesth over for tea tho..." The doorbell rang. Lispy knew who it was. Nervous, he said, "Ha ha, it'th like Grand Thentral Sthathion in here today, ith'nt it?" Unable to avoid the inevitable, he opened the door to reveal Sam who was holding a present wrapped in pink tissue paper.

"Hi Lispy Gay. I need to talk to you." His eyes focused on his wife. "Priscilla, what are you doing here?"

"I think you're gay and I just wanted to confirm my thoughts with the gayest man I have ever known," she said gesturing to Lispy Gay. "No offense, Lispy Gay."

"None taken," said Lispy.

"Are you gay, Sam?" Her husband looked down at the gift in his hand and then handed it to Lispy. "Yes. Yes I am. And I love Lispy Gay. I'm sorry, Priscilla. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, sweetie. I'm good. I'm outta here. Buh bye." She waltzed out the door closing it behind her leaving Lispy Gay and Sam alone together looking into each other's eyes.

"Tham, you love me? Are you thure? What about Theven?"
""Steven was just a substitute for you Lispy Gay. I have loved you ever since you gave me your resume that smelled like Chanel #5. You are the best Chicken Choker I have ever known and I want to Choke Chickens with you for the rest of my life."
"Then why did you fire me thith morning and how did you know I wath'nt really thick?"
Sam smiled. "I was on a message board for Department 56 and I saw your post. I love the Original Snow Village and I was so sad that I couldn't be with you to set up your village. I guess, I just lost my senses."
"You are on the Thnow Village methage board? I had no idea. What ith your thscreen name?"
"I am Tham I Am. And I have something for you." He handed him the present.
Lispy Gay fumbled to open it up and finally he saw it. "The dithcontinued movie theater from 1985? I have been looking for thith my whole life. How did you know?"
"Well, I have been follwing your blog, "I ♥ Christmas" for three years and I knew you wanted it. I decided that I would find it for you so you would know how much you mean to me. What do you say? Will you choke my chicken, Lispy Gay?"

Lispy's smile was brighter than the 100 LED lights that he bought for the artificial trees in his village. He hugged his newest prized possession and looked at his boss. "Oh Tham, I love you too. When I thaw you with Theven that time, I thought I would never have a chanth. I'm tho happy!"

Lispy Gay and Sam spent the rest of the day creating the most splendiferous Christmas Village ever. They made angel food cake cookies and hot chocolate spiked with Kahlua and eventually retreated to the bedroom where they locked lips under the watchful eye of a photo of Judy Garland who hung over the bed. The two had found happiness. The next morning when Patti Lupone awoke them from their first night together, they knew that from that day forward they would be together. Just Sam, Lispy Gay. And a cute little miniature schnauzer named Tranny Sore Ass Rex.

THE END

Tweet

The Adventures of Lispy Gay #3

I am doing a little experiment. Today is day three in a four day serial of Lispy Gay. Hopefully, at the end of each post, you will be so filled with anticipation that you will hardly be able to wait until the next installment to find out what happens. I just thought it would be fun. Or maybe it will suck. We shall see. You can read installment #1 here. And installment #2 here. Your comments are appreciated.

Standing on the doorstep, with eyes red from crying, was a woman that Lispy Gay knew too well. In fact, he had just been thinking of her. "Oh Lispy," she said. "I think my husband Sam, your Choking Chicken boss, is having an affair and I don't know what to do." In shock, Lispy Gay replied, "What in heaventh name makesth you think that Prithilla?" Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that his dog was resting his head on a pile of fabric that was going to be the hills of Christmas Village. It seemed like ages ago that this day was all about making the biggest and best Christmas extravaganza ever and now it had become a soap opera. "Last night, Sam was talking in his sleep and he said something." Lispy looked back at the woman and invited her inside. Priscilla continued. "He said "You do that better than my wife does, Steven.' Who the hell is Steven??" Lispy tried to decide how to respond and also tried to figure out why Priscilla was there. They had only met a few times and he never thought she liked him very much. "Gee, I dunno," he said. "Do you want some homemade macaroons?" She stuffed three of them into her tiny mouth and said, "You're probably wondering why I came to you with this problem. Well, it sounds to me like Sam was dreaming about another man and if anyone knows about dreaming about men, I figured it would be you. I mean, right?" "What maketh you thay that?" asked Lispy Gay as he crossed his arms and pursed his lips while straightening the hem of his negligee. "Oh, well, I dunno...I..I just thought that..." Her voice trailed off as she looked at the pile of Department 56 spread across the floor. "I guess, I just assumed that you're gay. You do have a miniature schnauzer."

At this point, Lispy Gay had had just about enough. He had only been awake for a little over an hour and his favorite day of the year had been ruined. He had been fired, gotten his job by blackmailing his in-the-closet boss and now this woman was here assuming that she knew all about his sexual orientation. "Now you lithen here, mithy. I may like pink and thatin sheets and occaithionally lithen to Barbra Sthreithand but that doth not mean I am gay. Juth becauth I buy KY Jelly by the gallon and I have a dog named Tranny Thore Ath Rex doth not mean you can come here and athk me questionsth about your thupposedly and pothibly gay huthband." Priscilla sat up straight in her chair. "I apologize, Lispy Gay. It was wrong of me to assume. So are you straight then?" Lispy took a long sip of his chamomile tea and said, "No, I'm ath gay ath a gooth. You juth hit a nerve, thath all. Tho what about Tham? Ith that what you were crying about?"

"Actually, no. If he's gay. I'm glad. I have wanted out of this marriage for ten years. Those were tears of joy. So do you think he's cheating on me with someone named Steven?"

Just as Lispy was about to vocalize his opinion on the whole scenario, the telephone rang. He skipped over to the pink princess phone and picked it up. "Lithby Gay rethidence." There was a pause on the other end of the line and then a clearing of the throat. "Hello? Ith thomeone there?" Another pause. And then, "Mi nombre es Stefano. I want to talk to you."

Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of the adventures of Lispy Gay! And maybe you want to Tweet this too?

Tweet

The Adventures of Lispy Gay #2

I am doing a little experiment. Today is day two in a four day serial of Lispy Gay. Hopefully, at the end of each post, you will be so filled with anticipation that you will hardly be able to wait until the next installment to find out what happens. I just thought it would be fun. Or maybe it will suck. We shall see. You can read installment #1 here. Your comments are appreciated.

Sam, the manager of the Choking Chicken heard the deafening sound of the dial tone after Lispy Gay hung up on him. He sat there in his office for ten minutes trying to decide what to do. A muffled sound coming from under his desk brought him back to the present. "Thanks, Steven, but you can stop now. I'm not in the mood anymore. And you're fired." Steven wiped his mouth and said, "Mi nombre es Stefano" and shuffled out of the room. Sam looked at the picture of his wife and his emotions got the best of him. He cried with guilt.

Back at the home of Lispy Gay, the idea of setting up his Christmas village was no longer as exciting as it was a few minutes earlier. Sure he would do it and do it perfectly, but his main concern now was to find out who had outed his blog, "I ♥ Christmas" to his manager. He had never told anyone at work about it for fear that they would make fun of him. Could it be that one of his regular readers was someone he actually worked with and they recognized that the person writing the blog was Lispy Gay? The chances were astronomical considering the blog only had ten followers, but stranger things have happened. (For instance, that time that Lispy Gay went to Target to pick up a few things and ended up in the bathroom with the electronics manager and Lispy Gay went home with "free" c.d. alarm clock; the same alarm clock that only moments ago had serenaded him with the sweet sounds of Patti Lupone. That was pretty strange.) He gave Tranny Sore Ass Rex a scratch on the belly and went to setting up the Christmas village church and barber shop.

For the next four hours, as he created handmade glitter for the gazebo fountain, his mind kept racing back to his encounter with Sam that morning. "Tham obviouthly wanted to give me a chanth to come in to work without firing me. He knowth I'm the beth athithtant Chicken Choker he'th ever had," he said to his collection of Raggedy Ann dolls that sat on the top of his hutch. They looked back at him with their thread eyes that said "We love you, Lispy Gay." He loved his collection of Raggedy Anns almost as much as his collection of Cher Barbie dolls. "But why did he want to fire me? I juth wanted to uth my thick day before the end of the year." He remembered now that he had secured his job back by way of blackmail. Lispy Gay didn't want to tell Sam's wife what he knew about him and Steven. He just wanted his job back. "And now Tham probably hateth me." Lispy Gay removed a silver locket from around his neck and opened it up to reveal a picture of him and Sam at last year's holiday party. Sam had his arm around Lispy Gay and they were both wearing their "Can I choke your Chicken?" t-shirts. Sam had a beer in his left hand and his right hand, unseen by the camera lens, was on the small of Lispy Gay's back. Lispy Gay recalled how grateful he had been that his shirt was untucked when that picture was snapped, because the feeling of Sam's hand on his body had made him a bit too excited. Lispy clutched the locket to his chest and began to cry. What was it going to be like when he went back to work the next day? How could things ever go back to normal now that his job knew he wrote a blog about Christmas and that he had blackmailed his boss. "Choking the Chicken will never be the thame," he sobbed.

The doorbell rang and Lispy wiped the tears from his face. It was too early for tea time with his mother so he looked through the peep hole and was surprised at who he saw. He hastliy smoothed his hair and readjusted his outfit and opened the door. "What are you doing here, you thilly gooth?"

Tune in tomorrow for the continuing adventures of Lispy Gay! And maybe you want to Tweet this too?


Tweet