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Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Adventures of Lispy Gay #4

And now the conclusion of The Adventures of Lispy Gay. Thank you for indulging me with this foray into creative writing. Tomorrow I will get back to bitching. You can read installment #1 here. And installment #2 here. And installment #3 here.

"Mi nombre es Stefano. I want to talk to you." Lispy Gay didn't know who this was on the other end of the line. The voice sounded familiar, but the name didn't ring a bell. "You know me as Steven? I deliver for Choking Chicken?" A brief moment and then Lispy realized he was talking to the very man who was the pawn in his whole blackmailing scheme. The blackmailing scheme that seemed to no longer matter because the wife of the man he was threatening was here in his home and she didn't even care if her husband was gay. This was the worst Christmas village day ever. "Oh, hi there, tho nith of you to call. How are you thith morning?" He was careful to not say his name since Priscilla was a few feet away and listening to the conversation. Or maybe he should say the name and blow this whole thing out of the water and get back to his day of decorating. "Yo neccisito to tell you something, si?" Lispy Gay put his hand over the mouthpiece. "Prithilla, I have to take thith call. I'll be right back." He stepped into his craft/Christmas wrapping room and shut the door. 'What ith thith all about Theven?"

"Sir, yo quiero to know that Sam on his way to your casa. And I want to tell you that I don't love him no more. You can have him. He is yours now." Lispy didn't know what to say. So he said, "I don't want Tham. Why ith he coming here?" Stefano, crying and sniffing, said, "Because every time I give him my special delivery in his office, under his desk, he always saying your name and not mine. He love you Lispy Gay, not me. You take him. He yours now. Beech." He hung up.

"Oh dear, Tranny Thore Ath Rex, Tham loveth me? And he'th on hith way here? But what about Prithilla? And what about Department 56th Original Thnow Village?" He walked back into the living room where he saw Priscilla admiring his collection of thimbles, one from each state. "Prithilla, I think it might be bethst if you go home. I'm thorry about Tham, but I juth can't help you and I have a lot to do before my mother comesth over for tea tho..." The doorbell rang. Lispy knew who it was. Nervous, he said, "Ha ha, it'th like Grand Thentral Sthathion in here today, ith'nt it?" Unable to avoid the inevitable, he opened the door to reveal Sam who was holding a present wrapped in pink tissue paper.

"Hi Lispy Gay. I need to talk to you." His eyes focused on his wife. "Priscilla, what are you doing here?"

"I think you're gay and I just wanted to confirm my thoughts with the gayest man I have ever known," she said gesturing to Lispy Gay. "No offense, Lispy Gay."

"None taken," said Lispy.

"Are you gay, Sam?" Her husband looked down at the gift in his hand and then handed it to Lispy. "Yes. Yes I am. And I love Lispy Gay. I'm sorry, Priscilla. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, sweetie. I'm good. I'm outta here. Buh bye." She waltzed out the door closing it behind her leaving Lispy Gay and Sam alone together looking into each other's eyes.

"Tham, you love me? Are you thure? What about Theven?"
""Steven was just a substitute for you Lispy Gay. I have loved you ever since you gave me your resume that smelled like Chanel #5. You are the best Chicken Choker I have ever known and I want to Choke Chickens with you for the rest of my life."
"Then why did you fire me thith morning and how did you know I wath'nt really thick?"
Sam smiled. "I was on a message board for Department 56 and I saw your post. I love the Original Snow Village and I was so sad that I couldn't be with you to set up your village. I guess, I just lost my senses."
"You are on the Thnow Village methage board? I had no idea. What ith your thscreen name?"
"I am Tham I Am. And I have something for you." He handed him the present.
Lispy Gay fumbled to open it up and finally he saw it. "The dithcontinued movie theater from 1985? I have been looking for thith my whole life. How did you know?"
"Well, I have been follwing your blog, "I ♥ Christmas" for three years and I knew you wanted it. I decided that I would find it for you so you would know how much you mean to me. What do you say? Will you choke my chicken, Lispy Gay?"

Lispy's smile was brighter than the 100 LED lights that he bought for the artificial trees in his village. He hugged his newest prized possession and looked at his boss. "Oh Tham, I love you too. When I thaw you with Theven that time, I thought I would never have a chanth. I'm tho happy!"

Lispy Gay and Sam spent the rest of the day creating the most splendiferous Christmas Village ever. They made angel food cake cookies and hot chocolate spiked with Kahlua and eventually retreated to the bedroom where they locked lips under the watchful eye of a photo of Judy Garland who hung over the bed. The two had found happiness. The next morning when Patti Lupone awoke them from their first night together, they knew that from that day forward they would be together. Just Sam, Lispy Gay. And a cute little miniature schnauzer named Tranny Sore Ass Rex.



Bouncin' Barb said...

And they lived happily ever after. This was so funny. Loved the entire thory..emm. story.

ChiTown Girl said...

Your "foray into creative writing" was a smashing success!! I think this would be the perfect little heartwarming story to read around the tree on Christmas Eve! :)

Practical Parsimony said...

Great story!

Mary A. said...

I love a happy ending

Lolamouse said...

brought tears to my eyes. I think it may just be the perfect new animated Chrithmith special. You need to pitch it to the networks!

Robyn said...


Robyn said...

Stands applauding.

marsha66 said...

You have got to continue on the The Lipsy Gay soap opera!

Adventure Spot said...

Wonderful thory I really enjoyed it. You have to other thories like the Lispy Gay one. :)

Mrs. Hyde said...

I'm with marsha66; can we hear from Lispy Gay regularly? Like once or twice a month?

Anonymous said...

This is my most favorite Christmas story ever. Yay!

Rachel said...

I didn't think I'd like it, so I waited until today, when I was sick (ha! seriously though) and nothing to do but stay inside. I ended up really enjoying the story. You are a gifted writer--beyond just a blogger! Thanks for the Bitchy Christmas cheer!

Anonymous said...

I...I...oh, Bitchy, my heart is so full right now...I just want to thank you. It's like you walked into my mind and saw all of my hopes and dreams. There is shining hope in this world and it lies in your vision......thank you...thank you...tha...........

Anonymous said...

You write so well. I enjoyed the story and each of your blog entries.
Thanks for the entertainment.

Eva L. said...

It was adorable, but, I love your regular blog much more.
Sorry. The story was to predictable and it seemed that you were way over the top.
But it was a fun read.

thefeebleartichoke said...

I loved the 4-part story. I did miss Mom having the afternoon tea visit to see the snow village, but all in all, I loved the happy ending. The Lispy Gays of the world so seldom have one.

Ela said...

This is fantastic! You're really good at writing. And, you know, being a bitch. Heh. I was laughing the entire time.

The Empress said...

Bravo! Well done Bitchy. Who doesn't love a happy ending? Looking forward to more posts like this.

Have a splenderifous week!

leia said...

aw, i feel so warm inside for lispy gay <3

merry christmas to ALL :D


erin nutsugar said...


witchybaiter said...

The Department 56 stuff is totally unrealistic. No one is that gay.

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You are an amazing storyteller.