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Monday, December 6, 2010

Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk. Or Cosmo.

Seeing how many trays I have held over the years, it's amazing that I have not spilled more often than I have. I am knocking on wood right now, because I do not want to jinx myself and then the next time I go to work end up dropping a hummus platter into the lap of someone. Last night though I had a couple of minor spills. One was my fault but the other was absolutely unequivocally not my fault in the slightest tiniest teeniest bit.

The club was crowded as hell last night. Like people crammed in tighter than the 6 train at rush hour. Tighter than sardines in a can. Tighter than Joan River's face. (Okay maybe not that tight...). It takes a serious case of balance and gymnastics to get to the tables in the dark while a show is happening all the while carrying a tray of martinis. There is some Mary Lou Retton shit going on up in there. I went over to Table 32 and began to place the Cosmopearitan (yummy, by the way) in front of the single lady. It was filled to the brim and a tiny bit of the nectar dripped over the edge of the glass spilling onto her hand and pants leg. It may have been about a teaspoon. The lady acted like I had just dumped a tsunami in her lap. I whispered "I'm sorry" to her and put the drink down. She grabbed a bev nap from the table and started wiping her whole entire body with it. She seemed to think that the whole drink had spilled on her. Frantically, she sopped up vodka and pear liqueur that wasn't even there. "Are you alright?" I asked. She glared at me seething with inner rage and hissed, "I'm wet!" The way she said it was as if she meant to say "I was just stabbed in the heart with an ice pick and my lung has also been punctured. It is horrible. This is the most awful thing I have ever been a part of." But she just said "I'm wet." I was certain that she wasn't really that wet. Damp, maybe. Wet? No. She got over it.

Thirty minutes later as I was clearing tables, my tray was now loaded with three half full bottles of Pelligrino and a couple of coffee creamers that still had milk in them. I was standing next to the bus tub to deposit them but waiting for people to get the hell out of the way. Someone bumped into me causing the bottles to fall over spilling water on my shirt and then knocking the creamers full of milk onto the floor. The man who ran into me had this brilliant question for me: Am I in the way? Well, let's see, sir. You are standing between the computer, the trash can, the service station and the bus tub so yes. You are in the way. Can't he go stand where the other customers are? Go outside? Go to his table? Go home? He informed me that he just wanted to find a place that he would not be in the way, so he moved two whole feet and proceeded to stand in the only means of entrance to the room. Just stood there. Yeah, that's better, sir.

I took a cue from the lady at Table 32 and grabbed a bev nap and dried myself off. I was way wetter than she was, but mine was only water. At least hers was Cosmopeariton. She got to smell like a cocktail while I just smelled like sparkling water, hummus and bitterness.


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18 comments:

Just Plain Tired said...

It's too bad you couldn't have ran back into that first lady and showed her what wet was really like.

Mary A. said...

Too bad you couldn't have spilled the cream on her.

Lolamouse said...

When I was a kid, a waitress spilled hot coffee on my little brother and he made less fuss than that lady!

Marsha66 said...

Glad you got a new job so quickly!

princesspig1 said...

I love it!! People are such drama queens over nothing. I've had countless glasses of tea/beer/whatever spilled on me on numerous occasions. It's just not a big deal. Maybe it's because I'm sympathetic to the server because I, too, have been serving for what seems like an eternity now or maybe I've just learned to not sweat the small stuff. Like someone accidently spilling something on me. Not a big deal. I do so love to see an adult have a 2 year-old hissy-fit meltdown over nothing. Good stuff!!

Bouncin' Barb said...

When I first became a waitress, I dumped so much water and soup on guys who acted like assholes to me. Oooops. I'm so sorry I would say while saying "take that you ass" in my head. I could never do it anymore. I'd want to slap them all! I seriously give you all the credit in the world for the job you do.

Wendy said...

Mary Lou Retton, LOL. I've had nights like those. Fortunately the customers bitching was drowned out by very loud bands ...sooo I would just shrug my shoulders and mouth "I'm sorry". As for people that hover in front of the server station, they are the worst.

Jacky Maille said...

Tighter than Christine O'Donnel's vajayjay!

[allegedly]

Donda said...

It really hurts my heart that any liquor was spilled in the making of this post!

bistis6 said...

The lady at 32 was out of her mind. I had a slight altercarion with her at the podium. She should have been glad she was wet, because that was probably the wettest she'd been in maaaaaaaaany years.

Where was her incredibly drunk friend when the wetness took place?

Vani said...

I sometimes wonder at people showing weired expression to see a droplet of water or drink in their table and want immediate attention of waiter, cleaner, manager etc. what harm does it do?

Anonymous said...

I was a meeting planner for a Fortune 10 company. We often had speakers who were at the tops in their business or field or the public eye. At one luncheon one of these celebrities was the guest speaker. This particular hotel (Are you listening, Paris? It's part of the inheritance you lost) had double booked the space, so they divided the area and crammed us in tight. A waiter dedicated to putting one spoon of vinaigrette on each salad got behind the guest of honor, dipped the spoon into the dressing, sudden sneezed and dropped the entire bowl of dressing on the head of the celebrity, drenching him and splashing the vice presidents sitting on either side. Everyone quickly mopped themselves off, reassured the embarrassed and terrified waiter, finished the meal and gave the speech and congratulatory remarks with great aplomb amidst their olive oil stains. Of course I offered to replace all clothing or pay for cleaning bills. None of them took me up on it. It was amazing how successful the luncheon was in spite of the disaster. I learned from that celebrity that being gracious is the best way to have people take you seriously.

Vani said...

Mr. Anonymous,
He is really an adorable celebrity. Probably this is one of his key characteristics which makes other to like him. I enjoy reading your comment and in the mean time i am imagining if the waiter was our "The Bitchy Waiter" how he would've written this.

The Bitchy Waiter -- ???

dirtydisher said...

OMFG! I hate those people who stand in your way. Fuckers who stand in the wait station deserve to die. Idiots.

Bagel Fairy said...

"I'm wet."

Maybe you just really turned her on?

Jeff said...

Ah, The sweet smell of Bitterness.

Corey said...

i dont think that anything can be as tight as joan rivers face, lol

TwisterB said...

Just today I dropped the first tray I have dropped since I started at my current job over a year ago. FML