Panda Express Workers Might Be Braver Than Me

This blog post is ripped from the headlines: Would-Be Robbers Foiled by Panda Express Workers. When I saw the story I was immediately impressed by the bravery of the employees who surely put their own lives at stake in order to save the cash register. These must be some true blue heroes indeed. But upon reading the story more closely, it turns out that the restaurant was already closed and when the robbers tried to get past the locked doors, the workers simply refused to open the them. Duh. If you see someone with a gun and he is on the other side of a locked door, my thought would be to not unlock it. Now I have never taken any self defense courses or studied the world of criminology, but it seems like there is no other option. What other action would anyone take?

ROBBER: Knock, knock.
WAITER: Who's there?
ROBBER: Robber.
WAITER: Robber who?
ROBBER: Robber with a gun, now open this mother fucking door.
WAITER: Oh, wait did you say robber with a gun or without a gun? I couldn't quite hear you since you are on the other side of a locked door.
ROBBER: Robber with a gun.
WAITER: Oh okay then, hold on and let me unlock this deadbolt. (click) There we are. Come right in, Robber-
ROBBER: Bam, you're dead.

While I am happy that these poor Panda Express workers weren't harmed, I don't really think they thwarted a robbery. Thwarting it would be like the criminals were already in the restaurant and through some kind of plan the bandits were tricked into putting the gun down at which time a waiter fell from a hidden compartment in the ceiling and attacked the robber while another waiter grabbed the gun and called 911. In this case they did what I do to anyone who tries to come into my restaurant after we are closed: give 'em the evil eye, burp out "we're closed" and saunter back to my after shift cocktail. If I am ever in the situation where I am face to face with robbers in my restaurant here is what I would say:

Hold up, lemme get you all the money in the cash register and show you where the safe is. If we can't get it open, I'll help you carry it to your getaway vehicle and you can deal with it later. Here's my wallet, my tips and my five dollar ladies watch that I bought on the corner of Fifth Avenue and 52nd Street. Do you guys wanna a drink? Lemme make you a martini and then when I'm done with the vodka you can put that in your getaway vehicle too. I think my manger has an iPad in his locker. Lemme show you which one it is. Oh and don't forget to take the video tapes from the closed circuit camera with you when you go. Is there anything else you need? You sure? Okay then. Y'all have a good night. Here take this cappuccino machine with you too. Bye bye.

Brave? No, not at all. I ain't no Panda Express worker. I am a freaking coward ass pussy wimp bitch. And proud of it.

Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter blog.
Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.