Get some Bitchy Waiter in your email!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Cloudy With a Chance of What the Fuck

We as waiters are used to odd requests from our guests who expect us to appease them in the name of good service. People seem to have no problem asking us to do things that may have nothing to do with the actual job we are hired to perform.

There are a few things I don't mind doing:
  • Can I get a Jack and Coke on the rocks but with the rocks on the side?
  • Can you put the pickle on a separate plate because pickles freak me out when they touch my other food?
  • Would you mind fixing the blinds so the sun doesn't shine in my eyes? I have astigmatism and just had my eyes dilated.
  • Can you put my mimosa in a coffee cup so nobody knows I am drinking?
  • Can you wrap my food to go because I think this reuben sandwich will taste better if I eat it at home?
There are a few things that I can't believe people will ask me to do:
  • Can you turn off the television because we don't allow our kids to watch TV when they eat?
  • Would it be possible for you to run to the store and get some Aunt Jemima syrup since I don't like maple?
  • Is it alright if you watch my baby while I go to the bathroom?
  • Will you taste this and tell me if you think it's good?
  • Can you make me a double non-fat macchiato with low fat chocolate syrup and the whipped cream on the side with just a sprinkling of organic cinnamon and then put it in a wine glass with a birthday candle on it?
But the other day, the hostess at my job shared with me a phone conversation she had just had. "Hello, I'm calling to get information about "Lola Falana" who will be performing there on December 4th, 5th and 6th." Our hostess, the ever consummate professional, was eager to please and asked the caller what she needed to know. Performance times, ticket cost, directions to the club? The lady responded by saying, "Yes, what is the weather going to be like on December 4th, 5th and 6th?" Lady, c'mon. This ain't the freaking weather channel. Did it sound like Sam Champion answered the phone? Did you dial 1-800- Accu-Weather Forecast? Seriously? But our hostess apparently has a different list than I do regarding things she will and won't do in the name of good service. She actually went onto the Internet and found a weather forecast and relayed the information the lady. She's like our own personal meteorologist. The lady hung up satisfied and our hostess had a funny story to tell and I got something to write about. I host there too sometimes. Had I picked up the phone, the lady would not have gotten a weather forecast from me. I would have told her there is a 50% chance of I dunno with a humility level of 100% and a cool front of apathy likely to come into our area at any moment.

Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter blog.
Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.



Simple Dude said...

Thats amazing. I probably would have told the lady we're expecting a pretty big meteor shower and unless she has a giant titanium umbrella she would be better off staying home.


Lazi said...

Haha!!! I work in retail and get similarly absurd requests, such as re-imbursement for cab or gas money if they came back to return something... dumb. Love reading stuff from people who understand!

Krissy said...

The Sam Champion comment made me bust out laughing! You are a trip. And I know from personal experience the crazy shit people will ask for, but that takes the cake!

As a side note, Sam always makes me smile, and I'm not a morning person so that says a lot.

Danger Boy said...

Indeed, people never cease to amaze me. I don't know about you, but I'd be ashamed to ask staff to turn off TV in their own place. Don't like it? Hit bricks.

Vani said...

sometimes our customers treat us like their personal servants.The very worst part is we cant show our faces to them cos of our fucking managers and job ethics.

Vani said...

forget to add one, once a customer came to me and asked some xyz medicine. i told him we dont do them in this shop. he asked where else i can find it. i said a shop a mile away from my store. he asked me can you please ring that shop and ask if they sell that product. i wanted to say "f**** Y**" and responded "unfortunately we don have their phone number to help you. i am sorry about that. can i help you with anything else".

Corey said...

hahaha! no kidding? wow.

reminds me of a time when i worked at coldstone. an ice cream shop.

they called me asking me if i could go over and order them a smoothie from jamba juice across the plaza, because they were unable to find their number in the phone book.


Anonymous said...

Ha! Amusing. I work in a hotel. You'd be AMAZED what people ask for.

Kara Hoag said...

My favorite is when a customer gets up from his/her seat to tap me on the shoulder when I'm clearly doing something to ask if I will change the channel.

I always respond with a "Sure thing Sir! Give me just a minute and I'll be right there."

I usually "forget" to go back for awhile.

visions unto myself

dirtydisher said...


G said...

I work for the guv'ment (state) and the strangest request (via the voice mail) I got was from a local city health dept who dialed my number by mistake because she was trying to contact a health clinic and althought she knew the first prefix she didn't know the last four digits so would it be possible for me to look it out for her?

the good-buy girl said...

You know my son could be that kind of customer. He calls me when he's hunting from his deer stand to ask me to look up the weather for him. Duh - he's sitting in the stand - out in the weather, mind you. Like the weather channel is going to change the forcast from rainy & freezing to just cloudy & cold just for him. But, he's so sweet and I love him no matter what his strange requests.

MommaX295 said...

I feel bad enough just asking for no ice in my drink (and I usually don't say anything if they forget). It's amazing how demanding, selfish, and clueless people are.

Phoenix said...

- Could you cut my corn on the cob into 4 pieces because I'm obviously unable to use the steak knife already provided for me?
- Can you give me directions to a different restaurant/cafe?
- I know this is a cheese and chocolate fondue restaurant... but do you have ketchup?

Anonymous said...

I used to work at a corporate restaurant with a big red bird as the logo and bottomless fries. Once, a kid was having a hissy fit that we didn't carry Mountain Dew. I managed to sell him on a raspberry lemonade and at the computer, was attempting to joke with the MOD about this kid's tantrum. MOD looks me straight in the face and says, "You know there is a gas station across the road, right?"

Me: ""

MOD: "It is expected of you that you go across the street and get the kid MD if that's what he wants!"

I thought it was a joke. It wasn't, it's some crappy catch phrase that I forget now but those 'highlighted stories,' such as employees bringing fucking specialty menu items in a bird suit with ballons to children's hospitals, go on those tacky folded boxes on tables. Never mind my other tables, or that the MD would come out of my own money, or that said road was a major interstate highway, but I was expected (and fired) for not getting the guest exactly what they wanted when "it was within my reach."

Wendy said...

I love you Bitchy!
You are SO hilarious
and so truthful
all at the same time!
(I guess that makes you Multi-talented, huh!)

I look forward to your "column" every day.

JimL said...

Gotta love these people who ask for the channel to be changed, the TV to be turned off, or for the temperature to be adjusted - like they're the only ones in the restaurant.

Phoenix said...

I have another one. I work at a fondue restaurant. Cheese and chocolate fondue.
We had a customer call and ask what we had on our menu that didn't have dairy...