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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Candy Cane Gave me a Pain

I few nights ago at work, one of the performers was celebrating the birth of our saviour, Jesus Christ, by presenting a Christmas show of all Christmas music. Said performer was Jewish, but that's a different story. Jesus may be the reason for the season but everyone wants to sing "Jingle Bells." Religious beliefs are hastily set aside when it comes to belting out a Christmas carol or two. Before the show, someone of her entourage pulled out a bag from Jack's 99¢ Store and revealed a shocking supply of candy canes. I knew right then and there that we were about to be witness to a recreation of the infamous gummi bear event of June 2010. Sure enough, this Holiday Elf went to each and every seat and placed a candy cane in front of it as an offering to the audience. I hate when that happens. We already have candles, table tents, bev naps, comment cards, pens and table numbers on the table but by all means, add a freakin' candy cane to it too. Don't worry about me having room to put your martini somewhere. Throughout the show, I could hear the tell tale sound of crinkling cellophane as people opened up their candy canes. No one ever eats a whole fucking candy cane though. Ever. I mean, have you ever eaten a whole candy cane? We open it, break off a bit and then leave the rest where we found it. And sometimes we spit out the little bit that we started to eat leaving a sticky chunk of used up peppermint candy for someone else to clean up. That someone else was me that night.

At the end of the show, out of the seventy people there, easily 68 of them decided to spit out a portion of the candy cane. The tables looked like Santa's elves had puked after too many Peppermint martinis at the holiday party. Shards of candy cane and half eaten pieces littered my station. Everything at the tables was stickier than the headboard at Lispy Gay's house after his annual Tupperware party. It was nasty. The cellophane was everywhere and due to the static electricity in the air, it was stuck to the booths, stuck to my pants, stuck to the walls and stuck in my craw. I was cleaning up after the show and getting irritated with the whole situation when one of the songs the performer had sung came into my mind. The lyrics were now ringing in my ears:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the yule-tide gay.
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.


After I gave up trying to understand what a yule-tide was and what made it go gay, I focused on the rest of the sweet words. "From now on, our troubles will be miles away." How silly I was being to be upset that candy canes were making a mess in my station. What kind of Grinch am I anyway? Can't I let people have a good time with a candy cane and not be upset that I have to clean up after them? "Let my troubles be miles away," I thought. Picking up an unopened candy cane, I held it in my palm and smiled. I recalled how when I was a kid it was so fun to get them in my stocking and how I used to suck on them and swirl them in my mouth until the end was as pointy as it could be. I opened the candy cane and broke off a piece, As I put it into my mouth, I expected to feel like a kid again when Christmas was fun with no stress and responsibility. I awaited the flood gates of memory to invade my mind. Instead, this is what I thought: "Fuck this candy cane tastes like shit. Who the hell buys candy canes at Jack's 99¢ Store? Fuck!" I spit that shit out and went back to cleaning tables.







20 comments:

Simple Dude said...

Candy canes seem to be one of those things that people rarely finish. I do, but I am a candy whore.

However most people do their thing with it (I was going to say suck on it for awhile but that sounds dirty) and then toss it. Pigs.

SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

Kara Hoag said...

I would have been tempted to suck on it until it was a nice pointy weapon then stab someone in the eye with it.

Harsh? Maybe. Grinch during this season? Definitely.

visions unto myself

leia said...

oh my god, you kill me. and weirdly enough, i always threw away the hooked part and sucked on the straight piece that was left over.

go figure <3

***ladyvader99.blogspot.com***

miss tia said...

i always finish candy canes....but i buy a decent brand so they don't taste like shit....

Wendy said...

Who eats a whole candy cane?
I do, that's who!
But i have an oral whatchacallit, so... maybe that explains it...
Whatever.
I still loves me some Bitchy Waiter! Thanks for the laughs.
=-)

Mama Sky said...

Candy canes taste like shit. There is only one brand that is half way decent and no one gives those out. My kids came home with some from school today and I tasted one only to gag and quickly swig my strawberry daiquiri to rid that nasty taste from my mouth.,

Mary A. said...

Thank you Thank you for incorporating Lispy Gay into your post!

Love it!

Adventure Spot said...

Oh I used to do that when I was a kid too. Sometimes we would get them so pointy we would use them as swords. Until we broke them all over the floor in an epic battle to save someone from being held captive. As for the candy cane being shitty I am sorry. I literally laughed out loud at the end. And you are not a Grinch you were just tired from all the work and wanted to be done. Understandable!

Practical Parsimony said...

I just do not like candy canes of any ilk. When I was a child and teen, I licked them and often took the obligatory bite.As the years when on, I just ate less and less candy cane. Finally, somewhere around 38, I just shunned them. If I am going to eat sugar, I want it paired with chocolate...yummy.

Brenda Susan said...

This has to be one of THE BEST Christmas stories I have heard this year! Ha! Thank you and may candy canes stay "miles away."

Bouncin' Barb said...

This was too funny. My mother hung them on the christmas tree but we weren't allowed to eat them. They tortured me and then after the tree came down I was allowed them and had the same experience as you did. Yuck. Haha

bruce said...

candy canes are awesome! or is it candy corn?

no candy corn sucks, but you suck on candy canes...

what the fuck were we talking about?

i hate candy corn and candy canes...but i love me some reeses!

Bruce
bruce johnson jadip
And
evilbruce
stupid stuff i see and hear
and
The guy book
the guy book

Noelle said...

The wrapper ugh! candy canes go with no drink I would be imbibing. mine should stranger so graciously given me one would have stayed wrapped and possibly incorporated into the table tent. What to do with it? In the purse?

SharleneT said...

Candy canes are needed so that you can hang those cute little felt horsey head ornaments on your tree... geez, no one eats them...

yellowcat said...

"Everything at the tables was stickier than the headboard at Lispy Gay's house after his annual Tupperware party."

Snork!

Wendy said...

Kids and pasta or worse rice. Need I say more?

dirtydisher said...

I assume you're joking, but, Yuletide is the real hoilday. It's Pagan and the Christians stole it from us and I have now started a blog comments religious war on here. Well, fuck me with a candy cane.

MommaX295 said...

Candy canes are the best. I spend all year waiting for them to be in the grocery store so I can stock up. I like the mini ones the best :)

Gabriele Agustini said...

I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you and your loved ones a really, really happy Holiday Season!!
Thanks for all of the laughs!!!!
xoxo,
gabriele

JoeinVegas said...

Yes, Happy Holidays! I hope you get some good candy canes somewhere.