How To Quit Your Job at Taco Bell

Not since the Jet Blue guy quit his bitch of a job via the emergency exit slide of an airplane, have we had such a hero to worship at the feet of. But now that has changed. A guy named Adam left his resignation letter to Taco Bell in a very creative way. He didn't write it on a bev nap as I did to excuse myself from Houlihan's. He didn't email it. He didn't Fed Ex it. In fact, he really didn't even write a letter. He put it on the sign in front of the restaurant (like Taco Bell is a restaurant...) so instead of customers seeing "Gorditas for $1.99" they saw a big ol' "I Quit, Fuck You." He followed that with a smiley face so it wasn't completely rude. It was said that he had worked 22 days in a row and was denied having off for the Fourth of July. Right there with you Adam. How dare Taco Bell keep you from celebrating the birth of your country. It must be because they are a Mexican "restaurant." If you'd have asked off for Cinco de Mayo or Mexican Independence Day, it would have been no big deal. They would have done it and given you a free side of guacamole too. But the Fourth of July? No way, Jose. Lo siento in a big way, but get your ass back in the kitchen and make me a chalupa.

None of us were there, so we can only imagine what went down when he asked for the day off.

Adam: Hey, manager, can I like have the fourth of July off?

Manager: No.

Adam: Dude, c'mon. I've been working for like 22 days in a row. That's like two and half weeks, what the fuck?

Manager: Do not use that language in our establishment. I will give you a demerit and put it in your permanent record.

Adam: Okay, so what if I like volunteer to work on Labor Day? Then can I be off on the fourth? My friends are having this totally awesome pool party and I told them that I would bring the tacos.

Manager: No. Go clean the bathrooms, Adam.

Adam: No way, man. It's totally not my turn to clean the bathrooms. Let that new chick with the mustache do it. I'd rather clean out the grease trap or mop the walk-in.

Manager: Do I sense insubordination?

Adam: Dude, like I even know what that is. So seriously can I have off on the fourth of July?

Managaer: No, now go count the tortillas. And because I am sensing some attitude from you, I am going to take away your break today and your Enchirito will no longer be half price.

Adam: That blows! I have to pay full price for my Enchirito? No fuckin' way, dude. This sucks. I knew I should have worked at Wendy's.

Manager: Do not make me write you up, Adam.

Adam: Yes, sir. I'm sorry. I am going to go clean the bathrooms now, right after I go change the sign for today's special.

Manager: Thank you, Adam. I am happy to see you take the initiative since I know that you are not on signage duty today. I commend your maturity. Keep it up and within six or nine months you could be head cashier and in charge of Mexican Pizzas. Good job, Adam. Now go change that sign with pride. Go Taco Bell!

Adam: Yeah, uh huh.

So that is toatlly how it probably went down. Adam went right out to the sign and took a virtual dump on his job. I hope he had a good time on the fourth of July. And Adam, if you read this, please contact me at sideofmustard@gmail.com because I want to tell you how cool you are and interview you as well.

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The Truth About Taco Bell Beef

It seems like only yesterday that I was writing a post about tacos and shouting out my love for all things Taco Bell. No sooner did I press "publish post" did I hear something that shook me to my core. No, I am not talking about the fact that Oprah has a half sister. I am not talking about the State of the Union address which I tried to watch but ended up watching Modern Family on Hulu instead. I am talking about the lawsuit that came out against Taco Bell claiming that their meat is only 35% beef. Some cocksmack (new word I stole from a cranky waitress) filed a lawsuit saying they were upset that testing showed that much of the beef in a crunchy beef taco is simply fillers like water, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodrextrin, modified corn starch and an anti-dusting agent. Hello, it's Taco Bell. Who the fuck thought they were getting 100% grade A fucking beef? This person probably thinks when he goes to McDonald's and orders chicken McNuggets he's getting chicken. That's funny. It's McDonald's. And Taco Bell. These are not places that people go to find healthy eating options. It is where we go when we need something cheap, fast and delicious and we have the rest of the day to spend on the toilet. I want to examine these mysterious ingredients that are allegedly in my Taco Bell meat and see if I want to continue eating there.

• Water: It's good for you. Our body is made up of water. Seriously, I think we are like 98.6% water or something like that. No biggie.
• Wheat oats: Again, these are good for you. Oatmeal, wheat bread, oatmeal cookies? These are all things we should be happy that make it into our bodies because wheat oats have been proven to soak up all the alcohol.
• Soy lecithin: Not sure what this is, but I like soy sauce so I say go with it.
• Maltodrextrin: Again, not sure but it is probably something that just makes it taste better. I think it is the official name for cumin or red pepper flakes.
• Modified corn starch: I have this is my pantry right now. I use it to make gravy. Gravy is good. Hurrah for modified corn starch!
• An anti-dusting agent: No idea. As long as it's not a dusting agent like Pledge furniture polish or something that comes from a crop-dusting plane, I'm okay with it. And since it's the last ingredient, it means it is the least amount. Therefore, even if it is something from a crop-dusting plane, it's not really enough to make it worth a goddamn fucking lawsuit.

Taco Bell came out with this statement:

Taco Bell prides itself on serving high quality Mexican inspired food with great value. We're happy that the millions of customers we serve every week agree.

You notice that they left out the part that said "And, yes it is too 100% beef, so shut your lying ass-face." What will happen now? Taco Bell will go to court and fight they they have a right to call their beef "beef" and the other folks will be all, "but it ain't all beef" and then Taco Bell will cave in and just change the name on the menu. They will call it a "beef-flavored taco" or a "crunchy Beaf® taco." And people will continue to go to Taco Bell because we all know that anyone who goes there isn't going because they are looking for health food. They are going because they want some cheap-ass lunch for under six bucks. Yo quiero Taco Bell? Hell yes yo quireo Taco Bell. 35% or 100% beef, yo quiero fucking Taco Bell.

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Please Do Not Eat the Lions

I loves me some tacos. Mainly because they go perfectly with margaritas but also because they keep me in touch with my (half) Mexican heritage. I have never met a Taco Bell I didn't like but I have also made sweet love to Del Taco, Taco Cabana, Two Pesos and the Super Taco from Jack and the Box. (Once on a cross country trip from Texas to California, my friend Stephanie and I stopped at every single Taco Bell on the way. It didn't matter if we were hungry or not; if we saw one, we stopped and I got a Mexi Melt.) I saw in the news the other day something that caught my eye because it had the word "taco" in it. A restaurant in Arizona was making a name for itself by selling exotic tacos every Wednesday. By exotic, I assumed they meant they put red cabbage instead of lettuce or Monterrey Jack instead of cheddar. But no. These bitches are selling lion tacos. Lion. Tacos. Who in the bloody fucking hell wants to eat a lion taco? All I would be able to think about is The Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz saying "Put 'em up, put 'em up" as I spread sour cream all over it.

According to the vast amount of research I have done (I Googled it), lion meat is not illegal and it is $100 a pound so these tacos would be cost prohibitive for me anyway. Unless that shit is on the dollar menu, I don't want it. I suppose it is technically no different from a beef enchilada, chicken fajitas or a fish taco. (Which are are disgusting by the way. I tried a "fish taco" my sophomore year in college when I was really drunk. Her name was Laura.) I guess the main difference is that we don't normally eat lion. Or tiger. Or bear. Maybe I find it shocking because I grew up eating Hamburger Helper and I am used to the idea of eating cows. Maybe there is a place in the world where a lion sandwich is a perfectly acceptable lunch. I also wonder why we call it "hamburger" and not just "cow." I order a chicken sandwich but not a cow sandwich. This post is confusing me.

The day after I discovered the lion taco place, they came out and said they were taking it off the menu because of all the flack they got. The owner of the restaurant probably never even intended to sell the damn tacos in the first place. He just wanted some press and he got it. No word yet on what their next exotic taco on Wednesday will be.

"Would you like hot or mild sauce with your tacos de penguin?"
"Mild, please. And can I have extra penguin but the guac on the side?"
"Si, senora."
"Gracias."


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