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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Waitress of the Sky Loses It, Becomes God

By now you may have heard of my hero of all heroes who decided that he needed Calgon to take his ass away immediately. A Jet Blue fight attendant had words with a passenger who started to remove his luggage from the overhead bin before the aircraft had come to a complete and final stop. The Waitress of the Sky known as Steven Slater told the douchedbag customer to sit his ass down since the captain had presumably not turned off the fasten your seat belts sign. Of course the customer was full of self importance and ignored the rules. When his luggage hit the steward(ess) on the head, all hell broke loose up in that cabin. According to legend, (because this is what it will always be to me, just like Paul Bunyan and his Big Blue Ox), my hero went up to the PA system and cursed this bitch out and then said that twenty years in the airline business was enough. He grabbed a beer, said, "It's been great" and then made the coolest and bitchiest exit ever in the history of quiting a job. He activated the emergency slide and slid his ass outta there and drove his ass home. Steven: next time you do this call me. I will come and get you in a white stretch limo and there will be buckets of champagne chilling in the back seat. The floorboard will be covered with rose petals and Queen will be singing "We Are the Champions" as we motor out of JFK in style. All service employees will salute you as we make our way to the Canyon of Heroes for your ticker fuckin' tape parade.

I have quit jobs before but this air hostess knows how to do it right. In the future when I decide to leave a job, the bar has been set so incredibly high by this modern day customer service hero that it may be impossible to surpass. As I face my first day back to waiting tables after a nine week hiatus, I am considering bringing my own emergency evacuation slide with me to work. I want one real bad. I can see it now. As I stand over booth five waiting for an ancient old lady to decide if she wants sparkling water, flat water or to just give up on living altogether, I pull the rip cord and grab a Cosmo. As the slide opens in a matter of seconds the sheer force of it knocks the old lady back into 1922. She then orders a Sarsaparilla float and starts to do the Charleston as I slide my ass outta there and live happily ever after. This, unlike our Steven Slater who was arrested a short while later and may have to go to jail for his drama queen ways. I doubt it though. I think any judge would be like "A for effort, but don't you do it again. Now get outta here, you crazy kid and don't let me catch you in here again." He probably lost his job for this stunt but I say write a book about it and sell the movie rights to Lifetime or Logo. Or at the very least, become a Deity so I have someone to pray to every night.

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37 comments:

Hed said...

Man, I wish I had the creativity of this guy to quit! When I have quit on the spot, I usually sheepishly clock out and get the hell out of dodge before anyone notices. I suck!

Donda said...

I read about this news story earlier...your version is much better than that of the media!! I suppose you didn't see the irate customer at an Ohio McDonalds...apparently it wasn't lunchtime and nothing but some Chicken McNuggets would do! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-10922428 What would bitchy waiter do with this tramp?

Keda said...

Good for Stephen! I always enjoy a good bit of drama, just as long as it's not an everyday occurrence because then it just becomes boring and, well, everyday.

Well done for those who have ever taken such a wondrous stand (the list does not at the moment, include me).

The Ranters Box said...

This is f*cking ingenious!! Hail to the King for his brilliant exit out of customer service hell. I love this!!!

I think you have just written the treatment for our hero's future screen play. And of course I think there is no one better to play the 'Waitress of the Sky' than you Bitchy Waiter.
xo The Empress

http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

Kalei's Best Friend said...

that would be cool to turn that into a movie... hmmm who would play the main role?

Sean said...

I am not carrying an emergency slide with me anytime I go anywhere from now on because of this person. I must be prepared to make an exit as grand as this on a moment's notice.

Sean said...

Now carrying one even

Damizelle said...

There's great Busby Berkeley potential in this scenario, and just think of the costumes, the songs, the high kicks!

SkippyMom said...

If the phrase For The Win was created for any scenario THIS would be it. Way to go Steve. :)

I hope the whole plane applauded. I know I would've [and then tripped the douche that started it all]

Anonymous said...

What makes this even better is that after he pulled his kick ass exit strategy from the world of flight stewards he was later arrested at home while he was getting laid. Fuck Yea! This guy fucking rocks.

Mary A. said...

This is a great way to quit.

I quit the Junior League by sending an e-mail that said:

"Dear Bow-heads: I quit"

Not quite as epic, but the Junior League can be pretty terrifying. You may write a blog about it if you want. Maybe I'll write about it on my blog.


Either way.

Anonymous said...

@ Kalei's Best Friend, I nominate our favorite actor, the Bitchy Waiter, to play the role of Steven.

Wendy said...

I "found" you a few months ago, and THIS is the best post EVER!!!
=-)

Anonymous said...

Good for this guy. Hope he doesn't go to jail or anything. You know, people are such a**holes and having to serve those people is terrible. TERRIBLE. so good for him.

Erica said...

This makes me wish I had quit my crappy job before I got fired from it. I hated that job so much and I had so many grand exit strategies.

Queen of the Rant said...

I love it, great story, that guys has got a pair for sure! Is that you?? I am intrigued to see what you look like now! Or is that the guy???

Tricia said...

Amen and hallelujah! That was the best news article I'd read in ages and that flight attendant is my hero!

The guy leaping out of the way so his GIRLFRIEND gets hit with the foul ball at the Astros game (check out Yahoo) is pretty damn funny, too.

Jodi said...

it's funny that the media says he has 'mental issues'. i would flip out too after putting up with people's crap all the time!

Terra said...

i read somewhere he's HIV positive and he's caring for his mother dying of cancer. I hate the douchebags that arrested him. What about assult for the dumbass that hit him over the head?
this is now the precedent for all ways to quit ever.

Kristen said...

Great post! Makes me wonder how long he'd been planning to leave. After that long in that industry, you know he had perfected his exit strategy--and then executed it flawlessly.
I hope he doesn't have to do jail time. That would be silly.

Online RSA said...

Wow. Wow. Wow. Way to make an exit, sorry but no one is going to top that!

Anonymous said...

& Terra- what does him being HIV positive have to do with anything? it just means he is a dirty douche bag. If he is caring for his dying mother, then he is dumb for doing what he did. He had to of realised he would be arrested for that. Airlines are easily scared now days. He's an idiot.
anon 12:06

DawnStar said...

HAHA that's fantastic; long have I wanted to cuss dimwit customers out and quit before their eyes!

CookFamily said...

I am in love with this man's breakthrough! Rock on!

CookFamily said...

I am in love with this man's breakthrough! Rock on!

Jorie said...

It's not foodservice, but its almost as good:

http://thechive.com/2010/08/10/girl-quits-her-job-on-dry-erase-board-emails-entire-office-33-photos/

Lisa Simeone said...

O, Bitchy Waiter, you are my new deity! I've been worshiping at the Altar of Steven Slater for two days, but now my allegiance is being tested -- by you! This is about the funniest damn thing I've read in years. Thou are wondrous! Thou art blessed! I wish I knew where you worked so I could patronize your fair establishment and leave you the fattest fucking tip on the planet! xxoo

GaP said...

I am a flight attendant. And I hope that asswipe passenger gets sued for conking our hero in the head.

Anonymous said...

I am PRAYING to god his last words before leaping to escape were

"Tally Ho!"

淑昆珍昆珍君 said...

我只知道,假如我去愛人生,那人生一定也會回愛我................................................

Sweet Charity said...

Anyone who has ever worked in customer service for a signficant period of time likely thinks this Hostess with the Mostess is a whole lotta' awesome. I waitressed and worked in retail for many years, and let me tell you, it gives you a loathing for mankind. People are douches. A lot of them. Props to the Waitress of the Sky for giving that biatch what she deserved.

Mthoko said...

You really have a tough act to follow Bitchy Waiter. You will have to have fireworks or do some Houdini vanishing act to beat this exit!

http://msibanda.blogspot.com

minivan gal said...

Great blog! I wrote a post earlier today about the "Steve Slater effect", and stumbled upon your post, which made me laugh out loud. While I have a different take on whether or not he was justified, I think we can agree he has a guest host spot on the view next to Joy Behar in his future....Mario Cantone ain't got nothin' on Steve Slater! I edited my post to give you a shout out!

http://minivanmonologues.blogspot.com/2010/08/steven-slater-effect.html

M.T. said...

I've done some pretty dramatic exit shows, but Slater makes me look like an amatuer. My hat is off to him.

Phoenix Rising said...

Best blog post about Steven Slater EVER. He is a Hero - to anyone who has ever had to try to reign unruly, arrogant, self-important people in to follow policy and rules "with a smile" - I salute him. And your blog. You say everything I can't. (At least not out loud where people can hear me.)

Anonymous said...

They should be grateful he did not go postal and shoot the stupid bitch!

Throwing In The Apron said...

Haha you are hysterical. Wish I could knock some of MY customers back to 1922! Then again, working at a diner, many of my customers ARE from 1922... Especially on two-fer night! Come visit me - http://throwingintheapron.blogspot.com