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Monday, August 30, 2010

Just In Case You Couldn't Remember How I Feel About Kids

I am taking my lazy ass to the beach today, so please enjoy this (tired from like 18 months ago old shitty) post while I am squeezing out the last days of summer. Sorry, boo bears.

So many mothers have this sense of fucking entitlement like she is the first woman to ever push a baby out of her Sweet Potato Pie Hole. It's been happening for thousands of years, no big whoop. I cannot write enough about my disdain for children in my station. I don't want them in my personal life so why the fuck would I want one at work? But people bring their babies in and then they think it's my responsibility to make sure the music is not too loud. Or they have the nerve to ask me to heat up their baby food. Why would they think I have time for that? It's not my baby. I am supposed to ignore my other tables and then bother the kitchen staff to heat up a bottle of milk? I'd rather you just breastfeed if it means I don't have to do anything. Not that I want to get a close up view of your areola when I refill your Diet Coke. These are the same people who bring babies to an R rated movie and think it's okay for everyone else to listen to it for two hours. No one cares about your baby except the people who know your baby (and some of them only act like they give a shit.) No one in the restaurant wants to step around your giant stroller or listen to it cry or watch you whip out your tit so it has an appetizer. Leave them at home with a sitter. Or just leave it alone while you come out to eat. I am sure it will be fine, whatever. Just leave a post-it note on its head with your cell phone number so if there is a problem the police will know how to reach you. You could always take it to Chuck E. Cheese where they live for that shit. The people who work there love it when they have a room full of screaming babies. Or better yet, order in. We have take out menus. Just don't sit in my station.


Teresa said...

I know, right? What the HELL makes people believe that I even remotely think their child is cute? Particularly when you let them build little castles with my creamers and jellies and leave the table and the surrounding area like some desolate war zone when you leave? And what's up with people letting their kids run around the restaurant when they are done with their meal? Like the other diners want their pudgy little paw prints all over their clothes and tablecloth? My parents would have publicly beaten me had I chosen to act in such a manner! I agree, leave the brats at home if you haven't taken the time to teach them some good old fashioned manners!!!!!

lolamouse said...

We thought we had the baby in the restaurant thing all worked out. Handled the food/bottle ourselves, one of us immediately took baby outside if she started getting fussy, always had a clean diaper so no one had to smell her stinkiness, etc. etc. Then one day at lunch she was happily eating her Cheerios, scooped up a big handful, and winged them at an unsuspecting businessman in a suit at the next table! It was years before we ever took her to a restaurant again! (and we offered to pay for dry cleaning.)

Stephnny said...

Ha! I love how brutally honest this is! I'm not a waiter and I do have kids. My husband and I have just accepted the fact that we can't go out with our 18 mo. old. Even though I love him dearly, He is a pain in the ASS when we are out in public especially at a restaurant. So we just choose not to annoy the rest of world with our monster. My biggest fear always is if my kids are going to annoy anyone, and just because I have kids doesn't mean I like kids. I only like my own, is what I'm saying. Thank you for confirming what I always knew others thought of little whiny kids. Love your blog by the way! It's refreshing to hear honesty :)

Vani said...

Dear bitchy waiter, you need customers to tip you, fill in your place to make money and you are scolding them for taking their baby in. If you really feel uncomfortable to serve, hang a big board in front of your restaurant “babies are not allowed” so that you won’t have to waste your time in writing some crap how you feel about the kids. Please let me know, will you die if you heat up a bottle of milk for a baby?

Haruka said...

Working at home means I no longer have to put up with grubby kids like I did when I worked with fast food. Hell, one woman even brought her kid in and admitted she had chicken pox.

We were asked to heat bottles, too. We didn't do it. Too many cross-contamination risks and besides, if it was too hot, they'd sue us for injuring little pweshus.

Xylina Myia said...

OMG I HATE HATE HATE babies. Like you would think I am a chick and I am supposed to go "Goo-Goo-Ga-Ga" Over someone's precious little bread pudding but HELL-TO-THE-NO!

They scream, Cry, Shit EVERYWHERE, piss on you (if they are a boy) and better yet ruin lives. Like take for instance marriages or relationships, everything is good and then WHAM! "GUESS WHAT GARY WE ARE HAVING A BABY" The woman says to her significant other, He replies "OH THATS WONDERFUL NEWS DARLING!" while inside going "STUPID! STUPID! F**K ! LIFE IS OVER!" (Should of wore a rubber buck-o!)

I hate it when I am trying to enjoy my lovely din din with my sunshine of my life and then Wham baby starts crying! Of course the mothers or family try to ignore it or shush it but it still keeps crying. Or how about when you pay 20 bucks or more depending on if the movie is 3D or not, to see a movie you have been dying to see and WHAM! baby starts crying. Of course the people don't leave and the baby ends up crying through half the movie before people start shushing the baby themselves. Or the people get up.

So I totally get what you are saying. I never want kids. Not my cup of tea. Wish I could go to a land where there were no babies.

Mary A. said...

Well MY kids never bothered anyone at a restaurant.

Even when #2 son puked all over the table at Denny's. (I figure old people don't care if there are babies in the restaurant. if I have to eat with old people, then they have to eat with my precious darlings)

And chinese waiters don't care if there is icewater, soggy sugar packets and rice all over the table after we're done.

In all fairness, i never (I mean rarely) take the kids to a "date night" restaurant. If you're a chain tho -- you're fair game.

And i always leave 20% ( or more, dependingon the mess) tip. Except for the puke time. I left $20 on a $15 ticket for that one.

Raisin Hale said...

vani- the point of the blog is to bitch about being a waiter. and the bitchy waiter is totally right... i hate having to warm up your baby's food and clean up all the little pieces of soggy food it leaves behind. when i have kids i just won't take them to a restaurant until they're old enough to act right in one.

and mary a.- i really hope your kidding. what makes you think that old people and chinese people don't care that your kids are hellions? just because they don't say anything doesn't mean they aren't cussing you out inside their head. we have to give you service with a smile regardless of how ignorant you are. i'm not saying you personally are ignorant, just people in general. but thank god you tipped really well when you're kid threw up, you would be surprised how many people would just say "oh, sorry" and leave.

moral of the story- leave your screaming mess makers at home! it's better for everyone in the restaurant, and you'd probably have a better time actually enjoying a meal with no distractions yourself.

btw i never had a problem with kids until i started working in a restaurant.

Anonymous said...

I have them don't take them out unless they can behave and figure 20%.

Had this happen for the first time Saturday night. Group of 6 bring in 2 happy meals for there two kids. Ugh the gall!

No L

Tesakana said...

I feel the same way and I'm 12... Although I never bitch at restaurants, I just try my best to pronounce my order right...

Mama Sky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alexa O said...

@Raisin Hale,

Yes, Mary A. is kidding.

And, I might add, she's really funny.

Aileen said...

I guess I missed the memo that when I am out and paying for food and drink I'm also expected to forego any possible enjoyment that may be incurred, instead suffering in silence while someone's brat is running around and braying at the top of its lungs.

Don't even get me started on people who bring kids into bars. Hint: If you want them to leave, stand next to them and litter your conversation with the c-word. Works every time. I blame Bloomberg, for banning smoking in bars.

dirtydisher said...

Tell the nice waiter what you want, Sissy. "Ga boo Geee!" No, Sissy, tell the waiter what you want to eat."Gaaaa sppoooo Cheeese" Oh, she loves cheese, now tell the waiter..wait, she can do it. Sissy? "Goooooo Baaa Cheeeeese"

Repeat for 20 minutes. Leave a dollar tip.

Anonymous said...

OMG I feel you so bad, on both sides of the issue honestly.

I've worked in fast food, retail, child name.

I fucking hate children that aren't my own/ones I don't spend 8+ hours a day caring for.

I nothing but horrified the day I went out with my family. My niece is 3 months younger than my son. My son is sitting calmly in his chair, coloring away or talking. Its 6 adults, 2 kids, and a teen. My son is in a chair, normal chair. My niece is strapped in a high chair. They put her in the damn thing so she doesn't run around. But what does she do? Takes off her shoes, throws them on the floor. Then begs and pleads to go to grandma. So what do my siblings do??? They let her out of the DAMN highchair. And next thing you know there is a shoeless 3 year old running around Applebees with waiters dodging her while carrying hot food...and she's STILL yelling/screaming.

I wanted to go home so bad.

My parents tipped well though.

Then on the other side, as I mentioned son is very, very calm. He stays in his seat. The worst thing he does is play peek a boo with the people behind him, but he only does it if they reciprocate. Oh and he flirts with the waitstaff.

So I hate it when other restaurant goers give my kid the evil eye, or even once got a waiter who rolled his eyes at him when he said to him, "I'd like the macaroni and cheese with apple sauce please". The waiter actually rolled his eyes and sighed like we had the audacity to let our child order for himself.

Don't even get me started on those who bring their infant to a 10pm showing of Avatar in 3D. I DID NOT PAY THAT MUCH TO HEAR YOUR FUCKING KID.

Or, the kicker. My friend dragged me along to the Eclipse midnight showing because she didn't want to go along. Someone took their infant to a MIDNIGHT showing. God, at least my best friend talked his wife into going to the drive in so that their baby could sleep and not disturb others.

tina said...

I am back to serving after a 3 year absence and couldn't agree more about kids in restaurants (or public places in general). I don't have them, I don't want to deal with them in my section...unless they are quiet and well behaved!! Yeah, like THAT ever happens?! lol

sally said...

Don't let your children order for themselves in restaurants unless they are 10 or older and have mastered the language. It's annoying to many if not most waitstaff.
Going out to dinner with the kiddies may be a "teachable" moment for you, but servers are trying to do a difficult job. They don't have the time to decipher jibberish.

Anonymous said...

@ Sally, Believe it or not, some children under 10 actually do speak clearly and don't speak gibberish. Matter of fact some are more understandable than grown adults. 10 years in childcare has taught me that.

If my kid wants to order for himself, he's going to order for himself. He knows what he wants. The only time I order for him is if its a loud restaurant because he's a very quiet child.

I don't expect ANYONE to think my kid is cute, but I do expect people to be respectful of him...and I teach him to be respectful even of the people who roll their eyes at him just because he's under the age of 18.

Though I also dislike a lot of kids, it fucking disgusts me when people lump ALL kids together. Especially because 90% of the terrors out there are the damn PARENT'S fault. A kid is like a computer, its only as smart as the user.

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