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Saturday, August 7, 2010

Am I Famous Yet?

Since I am currently a full-time actor (for one more day) and I was recognized the other day while buying ice cream on Main Street, I thought I would rehash an old post about celebrities. You know, since one sixteen year old girl asked me if I was in "that play" I am a total celeb (in my delusional mind).

I hate waiting on celebrities. I haven't had to do it very often because famous people don't usually come into the places that I sling hash. Generally, they like to go to places that are not chains, franchises and/or crappy and I usually work at places that are chains, franchises and/or crappy. If a famous person comes into a place I work, then I instantly question their judgement and credibility. Once when I worked in Times Square at the Houlihan's a soap opera actor came into my station. It was the old guy who played Palmer Cortlandt on All My Children. I think he's still on it. Anyhoo, he sat in my station with this really hot Latin guy who was about 100 years his junior. Palmer looked like he just came off the set of the soap because he was wearing a freaking ascot around his neck. The young guy was all flirty with him and and then Palmer paid for their lunch on his credit card. I ain't judging or anything, but can you say "sugar daddy"? He was really nice though and it was exciting to see someone from one of my stories. Several months ago Ivanka Trump came into VYNL where I was working at the time. Obviously, she was slumming or she wanted to see how poor people live because she came in to have an $8.99 omelet. I didn't wait on her. My friend did though and said she was alright, but only left a 15% tip. C'mon! Bitch, we know you have hundred dollars bills flying out of your ass and you're only going to leave four bucks? Bump it up to 20% and share the wealth.

Another person I know said she served the Grandma from Everybody Loves Raymond once. She seems like such a sweet old lady. Doris Roberts her name is. Apparently though, she's a dried out vagina lip. This colleague told me she ordered a two-minute egg. And sent it back five times. Five times. After the first time, don't you think the chef (fry cook) would actually time it to make sure it was really two minutes? And then a third time? And fourth time? And a fifth? Get real, lady. You ain't the Queen of England. Maybe the egg just didn't taste right to her because her taste buds arenow fossils. Or maybe she secretly hated eggs because her last ovary fell out of her cooch back in the Roaring 20's. Whatever the reason, it's no excuse.

If I ever see a celebrity in my station, I don't want 'em. I have ignored Connie Chung and I will ignore any other famous person too. Famous people are just people who lucked out. If they sit in my station I will treat them just like the stroller mom or the old homeless lady who pays with coins: like crap.

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14 comments:

Kalei's Best Friend said...

You should treat them like any other person.. I worked in banking and I deal w/a lot of celebs.. some are really nice and genuine i.e. Ricardo Montalban, Michelle Lee, even Zsa Zsa. I hope u are kidding when u mentioned that if someone is rich they should 'share the wealth'.. Why? if the service was just mediocre? I am not as rich as those celebs but if the service was outstanding, I for one go above the 20%...

Erica said...

It makes me sad that Doris Roberts was a bitch... She seemed so cool to me.

Cooking Asshole said...

Wow! Allstar lineup right there...

Mark said...

The guy who played Palmer Cortland died not too long ago.

Mary A. said...

Of course Doris Roberts sent the egg back. Her character on ELR isn't ACTING, it's how she really is.

I used to work at Enterprise rent a car in LA in the 80's. Peter Horton came in. (from 30 something. Remember that show? remember him? I didn't think so. Anyway, he was hot)

All the girls giggled like 13 year olds and the manager decided SHE had to help him. Bitch.

If I had helped him I would have made sure I sold him the damage waiver & then given him a hummer in the back seat.

I would have. I was a little (a lot) slutty back then.

nicole said...

Waited on Criss Angel in my Diner at around 4am.(I work in a very nice diner on Long Island) He was wasted, and with about 6 people who were all very nice. I looked up at him (tired as fuck not really aware that a celeb was standing there) and said "oh my god" he said "No honey its not god, its Criss"
he sat down, was loud and drunk, and fell asleep at the table before his food came. Had to wake him when the chicken was done(literally shook his arm and in an enticing voice said "your chicken fingers are here criss"). left me a 75 buck tip on a 100 dollar check tho. Definetly made the end of the night interesting.

Mama Sky said...

Ive met a few celebs - no one really worth shouting over- mostly country singers such as Tim McGraw, Garth Brooks the list goes on. Some of them seemed nice others could have given a shit- just working there PR at the rodeos I competed in. The few who showed up to the after rodeo parties actually were ok once they started drinking. But as always they preferred the big titty blond buckle bunnies. But I didn't complain- I was happy they were buying rounds for everyone non stop.

The Ranters Box said...

Doris Roberts = dried up vagina lip, love it!! It's a shame she turned out to be a cheap bitch... I've found that most celebrities behave better when you treat them like 'regular' people. Doris, the old cooch, is hopefully the exception. ...And yes, you are bloody well darn close to being famous Bitchy Waiter!

http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

Drewcifer said...

When I was a bartender in the DC area about a decade ago, I got stiffed by hockey player Petr Bondra and some short-lived kicker for the Redskins in the same week. It made me really want to reconsider my love for sports.

grahamophone said...

I shared a table once at the French Roast on Broadway with Craig Bierko because the place was too crowded. The waitress brought us our food (both happily ignoring each other with our noses in our newspapers). Three seconds later, she came by and said, "How y'all doing here?" Craig Bierko, who hadn't had a chance to look at his burger, much less taste it, said something like, "Okay so far." I was so taken by his famous-person wit.... And yet the whole time I was thinking, 'Where do I know this guy from? Did we go to high school together?'

彤彤 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼....................................................

Anonymous said...

The rich did not get rich by giving us poor slobs decent tips.

Queen of the Rant said...

I have been missing your bitchyness, but now your all famous and stuff so I will have to see what I missed

M.T. said...

Just found your blog. Love it. Entertaining.

I once helped Albert Pujols from the St. Louis Cardinals in a customer service setting, and was stunned by his kindness. Absolutely shocked. The man adopted a handicapped child, who was with him, yet he spent plenty of time taking pictures with people and shaking hands. He also was very generous with the gratuity. I was truly impressed.

I also dealt with the woman (I have no idea what her name is anymore) who played the Mother on "The Wonder Years". Let's just say... She was a bit full of herself.