My First Day Back Didn't Suck

Last night was my first shift back to work and taking drinks to people in return for tips. Nine whole weeks have passed since I have handled any cocktail that wasn't my own and I managed to get through the night without forgetting that the martini was for table 6 and not for me. I think it was the afterglow of my hero mixed with a healthy dose of mood stabilizers that allowed me to get through the night. I was in a good mood, but don't get me wrong. I ain't saying that I had rainbows shooting out of my ass and I was tiptoeing through any fucking tulips or anything, but things were smooth. It's almost like the customers knew it was my first day back and they all took a chill pill before sitting in my station. I was prepared to pull a "See Ya' later, Steven Slater" if somebody gave the crusty eye. Taking a cue from Mr. Jet Blue, I went in prepared for an emergency exit. My evacuation slide wouldn't have been as fancy as his of course since I had to make it with things I could find in and around my home. I MacGyvered an emergency evacuation slide using an an air pump, duct tape, Aqua Net hairspray cans and a Slip 'n Slide. It was then then crammed into a My Little Pony backpack. I also had a Cosmo in a canteen that I would crack open as I slid down. Wearing that shit all night was a wee bit cumbersome but it seemed necessary. You, know, for emergencies.

At the end of the night I was impressed with myself that the ripcord (made out of shoestrings and Silly Bandz)) never got pulled, when all of a sudden I looked into the room and saw some people who had let their Welcome Wagon coupon expire. The show had been over for almost half an hour and all of my sidework was done but these five people thought they had already gone home and were sitting in their living room chatting it up. I stood nearby shooting evil eyes and imaginary hippo farts at them when a co-worker asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. Immediately, I ceased to give a shit about the lollygaggers and ran to the bar where my chardonnay/pinot/blanc/whatever waited for me. By the time I slurped it up, the table had left.

Survived day one of actual work. Not too shabby.


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