Get some Bitchy Waiter in your email!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Chardonnay=Pinot Grigio=Sauvignon Blanc


Now I am not a fancy wine drinker or anything. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like the stuff. In fact I am having a glass of it right now and it isn't even from a box. It is from a really large bottle though. Like a two liter size that was on special at Bill's Liquor Store down the street. I am also a big fan of the Two Buck Chuck you can get at Trader Joe's. Like I said, I am having some right now so if there are typos, you will know whay. My point is I can't tell the difference between one wine from the other. White from red, yes but among the whites? Forget it. Over the years I have worked in some pretty dumpy fuckin' places (R.I.P. Houlihan's) that served lots of wine. People always order it like they think they are a fucking sommelier. My thought is if you are ordering wine at Houlihan's you ain't no big deal. I love when they ask to taste it first and swirl the wine in the glass to get the bouquet before they give me approval to pour for the rest of the table. Gimme a break. Now, if you were in some high class fancy ass place that was known for their wine like Las Vegas or Olive Garden, then sure, you go to town. But at the crap houses I have worked at there is no reason to taste the wine before I serve it. I can already tell you it will taste like ass. But it's always some guy trying to impress his date who wants to taste it first. He takes a sip and then furrows his brow and cocks his head before he nods very slowly as if to say, "ah yes, this is the finest glass of piss water I have had in ages. Very nice, Monsieur." At least he can be sure he is getting what he ordered if he asks for the whole bottle. Plenty of times someone has asked for the pinot grigio, but we are out so we pour their ass a glass of sauvignon blanc and call it a day. Or a glass of chardonnay. Whatever. In all the times I have done this (and there have been plenty) not once did someone notice. I have been tempted to put a splash of cranberry into some chardonnay and see if I can pass it off as white zinfandel, but just have not done that yet. (Note to self: this weekend, put a splash of cranberry into some chardonnay and see if I can pass it off as white zinfandel.) It's sorta like when someone orders a ginger ale and you can put a splash of Coke into a Sprite and they never know. For real. I worked at place for three years and we never carried ginger ale but I served it hundreds of times with that little trick.

Anyhoo, I am just sipping my chardonnay or pinot or whatever the fuck it is and thought about how people will drink whatever you place in front of them. They're like cows. Only not as tasty when made into a hamburger.


CLICK HERE IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO FOLLOW THIS BLOG

11 comments:

Tracy said...

hilarious! I can tell.... no fooling me!

JumpIt said...

I do the coke&sprite trick all the time. Probably the most difficult part is making sure the color looks right!

Anonymous said...

"High class fancy ass place" and "Olive Garden" should never be used in the same sentence...trust me, I work there.

Ellie said...

I am NOT a cow. But testing welcome.

Vijay Eswaran said...

Love your blog. :)
Keep more hilarious post coming..

Anonymous said...

I agree with the Anonymous comment on 10/18. I work there, too. We are not fancy, and definitely not high class. Not in the least bit.

dirtydisher said...

"Excuse me, honey, but, this glass of Burgandy is not cold." Oh, sorry, lump of ignorant turd, let me get you an ice cube from the mold machine. Smiles.

NightMary said...

"Excuse me, honey, but, this glass of Burgandy is not cold." Oh, sorry, lump of ignorant turd, let me get you an ice cube from the mold machine. Smiles.

Holy shit I think i came close to spilling my drink all over the keys.

The Bartender said...

We used to mix pinot noir together with whatever white we had lying around and pass it off as white zinfandel before we started carrying a rose. Thank god no one asked to see the bottle.

hf201 said...

You sound like a real asshole. Maybe people don't say anything about getting chardonnay when they ordered something else because they think you're too dumb to know the difference or figure Houlihan's only serves one type of white wine.

Anonymous said...

I am not a fool. You could still likely fool me in most common dining environments. Wine from open bottles, let alone any table wines are so degraded before they are served I'm complacent if it is not going to vinegar. It's cheap wine and you should know that as a guest if it cost the price of a commercial beer per glass. Also the taste of many pseudo sophisticated sippers has been compromised by buying wines out of hot and light bombarded stores. If I spent $15 a glass for a special toast (it probably wouldn't be white wine) and I got something that didn't par up I would flag you down near the kitchen door and politely ask that something else be served to my guest and I and you simply say there was a mistake. I don't care who you blame to still get a good tip. I tip well and more for effort in places that the staff make the place worth going to even beyond the food at times. The gingerale I would know immediately and that would piss me off. When I have to pay a few dollars for carbonated water and syrup and it's not legit and was lied to, it's not going to be good.

Good rant and thanks for posting/entertaining.