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Monday, October 26, 2009

Read, People! Just Read!


I want people to take a mother fucking eye exam to sit in my station. Too many times, people claim they can't read the check or read the menu. They probably can't read the expression on my face either which is saying "shut the fuck up." Or maybe it's not an eye exam they need, it's the GED or high school fucking diploma that they missed out on that will explain their sheer stupid ass-ness.

This man was in my station to see the show last week. He seemed a bit odd. Like the kinda guy that sits in his room all day and looks at internet porn. Okay, that statement just described me and half of the people who are reading this blog, but you know what I mean. The creepy kind of person that sits in his room all day and looks at internet porn. He had beady little eyes, a comb-over, some sort of sinus issue and a hunchy kind of back. I asked him what he wanted for the first of his two beverages and he sighed and said "uh, (sniff sniff) I dunno. I don't drink alcohol." He said it all whiny and shit. I never said he had to drink alcohol, anyway. So he ordered a cranberry and orange juice combo because I guess he figured he was in a club so why not live it up. Get cranberry and orange juice! Halfway through the show I asked him if he wanted his second drink to be the same wild and crazy beverage as his first and he said no. Fine with me.

End of the show. I gave him his check. It had a ten dollar cover charge for the singer, a five dollar charge for his mocktail and a five dollar minimum charge since he requested to not have the second drink. His total was $21.78. Porno Pervy pulls out a ten dollar bill. Without looking, I picked up his check before I realized how lacking it was in funds. I went back to him and told him that I needed more money from his ass.

"But why?" he whined. "All I had was one juice (sniff sniff). A juice is more than ten dollars?"

I explained to him that there was a cover charge and a two drink minimum which is what his seating pass clearly stated. He told me he never read it because it was too dark. "And I didn't know there was a cover charge." I don't know what his excuse was for not hearing it as the host sat him and as I told him again when I took his order. He then laid down a twenty dollar bill for his $21.78 tab. Again, read the check.

"Almost there," I said. "Seventy-eight more cents and we'll have it." He pulled a dollar out of his pocket and I could see the sad look on his face as he realized that dollar bill was not going into the panties of some tired ass pole dancer later that night. I gave him his twenty-two cents back and he put it in his pocket.

No tip for Bitchy Waiter. All because this twat couldn't comprehend the writing that explained what it cost to be in the show. A cabaret club and he didn't know there was a cover charge? Nothing in New York City is free. Read the fine print.

8 comments:

Ellie said...

That's erky. And stupid. Maybe he's just desensitised to visual input...

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

Oh my a real loser you had to wait on there.

BB said...

whatta prick. so when you have big groups watching the shows do you get to do auto-grat? Or do you for the most part get good tips and don't need it?

The Bitchy Waiter said...

No auto-grat at this place. But for the most part, it's only parties of two or four. I had a party of 10 the other night but they were all waiters and left me about 30% or more.

BB said...

Ah.. gotta serving people who are in the business.. they almost always take care of their own.

Now, here's another question and then I promise to stop interrogating you.. since you can't really turn over tables quickly cause they are watching a show and all.. do you get a lot more tables than you would at the average restaurant?

The Bitchy Waiter said...

we have either two or three shows a night so that is it for turnover. It all depends on the show though as for how many people you have. One show last week had 104 covers. All at once! But then another show may have 16. Give and take.

Jenny said...

Next they will ask you to hold their hand through the meal...

Naseem said...

That guy sounds like the type who doesn't get out much or have a social life.