Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

Have you ever had a bus person or server steal your tips? What should I do?

Signed, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
First, let me thank you for writing in. I only wish you had used your real name because whenever someone uses "anonymous" I think its one of those hater bitches who are always trying to bring me down. And now to your question. Yes, I have had people steal my tips and I blamed it on the bus boy. Those sorry ass mother fuckers always lift the money off the table to wipe it and then when they put the money back down, they keep a dollar or maybe just the spare change. Of course, it's hard to prove, but if you have an idea who is doing it, then you need to catch them red handed so you can report it to your manager and get their thieving ass fired. But how to catch them? There are many ways, but I recommend the following: go to your local Spy Store where you can buy something like a Nanny Cam. Get a high quality one that costs at least or four or five hundred dollars because you want the video to be crystal clear when you upload that shit to You Tube. Install the camera in a light fixture directly over a table in your station. This can be done by accessing the electrical wiring by going into the ceiling. While up in the ceiling, be aware of fiberglass insulation. You certainly don't want to get it on you. It may be best to wear a full body suit that electricians wear and you can pick one of those up at your local Home Depot for not more than seventy-five dollars. Once the camera has been installed, it is time to set your trap. Consciously leave your tips on the table for longer than you normally would so that the greedy thief has plenty of opportunity to steal it. Once you feel that you have caught what you want on camera, simply go back into the ceiling to remove the camera, transfer the tape on to DVD and edit it by using a simple home editing program like iMovie. I recommend you add titles, transitions and music to make the recording as enjoyable as possible. You may find it helpful to take a class at the Learning Annex to learn more about editing. Upon completion, present the DVD to your manager. Make sure you have labeled the DVD and created a jewel case cover for it (use Avery label templates) so that your manager knows exactly what he or she will be watching. After the theft has been clearly seen on video surveillance, it will be a very simple procedure to fire this bitch on the spot. Follow these simple steps and your problem will be solved!

If you feel that this is too complicated and you simply want revenge, slash that bitches tires or use the old iPod flier routine. Good luck!

signed,
the Bitchy Waiter


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