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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bitchy Waiter + Marcia Brady = LOVE

Today is August 5 and a day that we should all brush our hair a hundred strokes before bedtime, practice our cheer leading skills and guard our noses from flying footballs because today is the birthday of Marcia Brady herself, Maureen McCormick. In honor of this special day I want to imagine what it would have been like for Marcia and The Bitchy Waiter to work together at Mr. Haskell's ice cream hut. We know that she worked there very briefly until that bitch Jan came in and stole her job away from her, but what if... Behold, a page from Marcia's diary:

Dear Diary,
Today at work was totally groovy. I absolutely love working for Mr. Haskell at the ice cream hut. I'm not supposed to eat any ice cream without paying for it but sometimes I can't resist a tiny taste of the Rocky Road! I'd better watch how much I eat though because I don't want to get fat like that cow of a sister of mine, Jan. She's so jealous of me. Anyway, today was much better than yesterday when my old boyfriend Doug came in and I poured a hot fudge sundae on his head. I don't care about Doug anymore. Today a new boy started working with me and he is totally dreamy. He has the cutest dimples and the curliest hair in the whole wide world. When I see him, I feel like I'm dancing on a rainbow and The Monkeees are playing "Daydream Believer" in my heart. When he first showed up for work, the first thing I did was run to the bathroom to apply a new coat of Precious Pouty Pink lip gloss and then I practiced my smile in the mirror. Too bad I was wearing my uniform of ugly blue pants today! Why couldn't he first see me in my terrific plaid mini skirt with my favorite ruffle shirt? Oh well. I went out and introduced myself to him. He said "hey" and I practically melted faster than the ice cream does when Mr. Haskell won't turn on the air conditioning. He seems like a great worker but I did notice that every time Mr. Haskell went to his office the first thing he did was eat a scoop of ice cream and make a call on the pay phone. He wouldn't tell me his name either, but I think it just adds to his mysteriousness. He told me to call him Bitchy Waiter. Sigh. Mrs. Marcia Bitchy Waiter. Mrs. Marcia Bitchy Waiter! I think I love him! He must be really shy because he never responded to any of my best moves. I tossed my hair, I giggled, I asked for help carrying a heavy box and I even asked him if he would walk me home from school one day but nothing seems to be working. At least I know he doesn't like Jan either because she came into to look at the schedule and all he did when he saw her was compliment her shoes. (Which used to be mine because Jan is the middle child and all she gets are hand me downs. Oh Jan. Poor Jan.) Towards the end of the shift, Greg came in to buy some ice cream for Alice to serve as dessert. At first, I thought Bitchy Waiter must know Greg because as soon as he came in, he went right up to him and told him hello. Bitchy Waiter couldn't stop staring at Greg the whole time he was there. He must have been admiring Greg's letter jacket or something. After Greg left Bitchy Waiter asked me all these questions about him and wanted to know if he had a girlfriend and what his hobbies were and what size shoe he wore. Finally, he was talking to me!! He does like me! I invited him over for dinner tonight since Alice was making her world famous meatloaf. At first he said he couldn't make it but then he asked if Greg would be there. Once I told him I was sure he would be, he decided to come! He asked me to call him if I find out that Greg won't be there though. Oh, Dear Diary, I think I am in love. He should be here for dinner any minute. I will keep you posted. (And Cindy, if you are reading this, stop it!)

Love,
Marcia

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18 comments:

Gabriele Agustini said...

Yours is the first blog I head for when I wake up!!
How weird am I?!!
Kidding. Love ya!!

J9 said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OK, This was a piece of inspired writing, and I LOVE that TBW started at Mr. Haskell's!

Elise-Lucie said...

Oh Greg...He's dreamy...(sigh)

The Ranters Box said...

Ha! Ha! We ALL probably thought Greg was dreamy at some point ; )
Bitchy Waiter had good taste even back then!

Mary A. said...

I cannot STAND Marcia Brady and not just because everyone says "MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA" to me every time they hear that MARCIA is my middle name.

I can't STAND her because she was so mean to Charlie.

Even though she eventually went out with him, I don't care. he deserves better.

Like Jan.

Mary A. said...

And P.S.? Season 5&6 Peter was WAY hotter than Greg.

Guy said...

Yeah, I agree. Peter really was the hot one.

Anonymous said...

Oh your GAY. that makes sense.
annon 12:06

Corina 1.0 said...

Bitchy, to borrow a line from my other fav '70's show, I Think I Love You!

emoAK said...

Very clever answer BW, appreciate it.

The Bitchy Waiter said...

The Bitchy Waiter was going through a phase.

周志v豪 said...

唯有學習不已的老師,才能認真的教,唯有燃燒自己,才能點亮他人的燈............................................................

The Back Nine said...

Recalling "Marsha Brady", I can't help but think of her cocaine issue and a drinking problem, and of course, that she and Greg had a little thing going during filming back then...Reading Maureen's book, she details being strung out on drugs and trading sexual favors for a chance to reignite her stalled career. Gross.

Not exactly the Marsha we've all come to know and love. LOL.

Kate said...

Love it! I linked this over at Kate's Library.

California Girl said...

too funny

laura jane said...

hahaha
i so do that. he loves meeee. oh wait. he doesn't. what the fu**.

the bitchy waiter shouldn't look so good then. xx.

G33K GODDESS said...

Ha! This post is amazing! You're so talented! Way to combine both your writing and your acting chops into one wonderful bundle of brilliance! Xoxo

Mark W said...

BW, I never thought I'd say these words, but I think I love you.ps