My First Day Back Didn't Suck

Last night was my first shift back to work and taking drinks to people in return for tips. Nine whole weeks have passed since I have handled any cocktail that wasn't my own and I managed to get through the night without forgetting that the martini was for table 6 and not for me. I think it was the afterglow of my hero mixed with a healthy dose of mood stabilizers that allowed me to get through the night. I was in a good mood, but don't get me wrong. I ain't saying that I had rainbows shooting out of my ass and I was tiptoeing through any fucking tulips or anything, but things were smooth. It's almost like the customers knew it was my first day back and they all took a chill pill before sitting in my station. I was prepared to pull a "See Ya' later, Steven Slater" if somebody gave the crusty eye. Taking a cue from Mr. Jet Blue, I went in prepared for an emergency exit. My evacuation slide wouldn't have been as fancy as his of course since I had to make it with things I could find in and around my home. I MacGyvered an emergency evacuation slide using an an air pump, duct tape, Aqua Net hairspray cans and a Slip 'n Slide. It was then then crammed into a My Little Pony backpack. I also had a Cosmo in a canteen that I would crack open as I slid down. Wearing that shit all night was a wee bit cumbersome but it seemed necessary. You, know, for emergencies.

At the end of the night I was impressed with myself that the ripcord (made out of shoestrings and Silly Bandz)) never got pulled, when all of a sudden I looked into the room and saw some people who had let their Welcome Wagon coupon expire. The show had been over for almost half an hour and all of my sidework was done but these five people thought they had already gone home and were sitting in their living room chatting it up. I stood nearby shooting evil eyes and imaginary hippo farts at them when a co-worker asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. Immediately, I ceased to give a shit about the lollygaggers and ran to the bar where my chardonnay/pinot/blanc/whatever waited for me. By the time I slurped it up, the table had left.

Survived day one of actual work. Not too shabby.


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Waitress of the Sky Loses It, Becomes God

By now you may have heard of my hero of all heroes who decided that he needed Calgon to take his ass away immediately. A Jet Blue fight attendant had words with a passenger who started to remove his luggage from the overhead bin before the aircraft had come to a complete and final stop. The Waitress of the Sky known as Steven Slater told the douchedbag customer to sit his ass down since the captain had presumably not turned off the fasten your seat belts sign. Of course the customer was full of self importance and ignored the rules. When his luggage hit the steward(ess) on the head, all hell broke loose up in that cabin. According to legend, (because this is what it will always be to me, just like Paul Bunyan and his Big Blue Ox), my hero went up to the PA system and cursed this bitch out and then said that twenty years in the airline business was enough. He grabbed a beer, said, "It's been great" and then made the coolest and bitchiest exit ever in the history of quiting a job. He activated the emergency slide and slid his ass outta there and drove his ass home. Steven: next time you do this call me. I will come and get you in a white stretch limo and there will be buckets of champagne chilling in the back seat. The floorboard will be covered with rose petals and Queen will be singing "We Are the Champions" as we motor out of JFK in style. All service employees will salute you as we make our way to the Canyon of Heroes for your ticker fuckin' tape parade.

I have quit jobs before but this air hostess knows how to do it right. In the future when I decide to leave a job, the bar has been set so incredibly high by this modern day customer service hero that it may be impossible to surpass. As I face my first day back to waiting tables after a nine week hiatus, I am considering bringing my own emergency evacuation slide with me to work. I want one real bad. I can see it now. As I stand over booth five waiting for an ancient old lady to decide if she wants sparkling water, flat water or to just give up on living altogether, I pull the rip cord and grab a Cosmo. As the slide opens in a matter of seconds the sheer force of it knocks the old lady back into 1922. She then orders a Sarsaparilla float and starts to do the Charleston as I slide my ass outta there and live happily ever after. This, unlike our Steven Slater who was arrested a short while later and may have to go to jail for his drama queen ways. I doubt it though. I think any judge would be like "A for effort, but don't you do it again. Now get outta here, you crazy kid and don't let me catch you in here again." He probably lost his job for this stunt but I say write a book about it and sell the movie rights to Lifetime or Logo. Or at the very least, become a Deity so I have someone to pray to every night.

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