A Comment on Comments

Someone done crawled up in my asshole and pissed me off and now I get to write my favorite kind of posting of all, a comment on comments. In response to this post about the man who didn't sign his credit card and ended up stiffing me on a $75 check, a couple of anonymous windbags chimed in to fart out their thoughts on the situation:

Anonymous #1 said...
Wow you got you're panties in a bunch over that?? No wonder you don't get tipped as often as you should. Customers can see fake kindness like a dog smells fear. Maybe change your attitude and you'll increase your tax bracket.

Anonymous #2 said...

I agree with anonymous. This is the life of a server/waiter. If you don't like it, go to school and get a real job. I worked for $12/hr at a call center while going to school to get my masters degree. If you don't like your job or if one person gets to you this badly then it ruins the service to everyone else. Maybe check your tampon. Is it in sideways or something?

Okay, Anonymous #1, I do get my panties in a bunch when someone either intentionally or unintentionally forgets to sign their credit card slip and therefore leaves me no tip. I did not serve this guy $75 worth of food and drinks just because it gave my life purpose. I did it because I expected there to be a tip. That tip goes into my pocket and then it is used to pay for frivolous things like food, electricity bills and mortgage payments. And I don't know where you came up with the idea that I don't get tipped as often as I should. Do I work with you? Are you the IRS? Do you have a copy of my tip log? Yeah, I didn't think so. And when did I say I gave him fake kindness? Contrary to the name of this blog, I am very rarely flat out bitchy to my customers because all that does is put less money in my pocket. I guarantee almost every server you ever had was giving you "fake kindness" because that is the name of the game. That waitress you had in Disney World that time who you thought was so sweet and kind and was so good with your kids? Fake. She wanted a tip, dumb ass. I treated this guy just like everyone else and he is the one who expected different treatment by refusing to wait his turn and come directly to my sidestand in an attempt to pay his check before everyone else. And then he didn't sign his card or tip me. So yes, my Sexy Little Things® Lace-trim Cheeky Panty was all bunched up. And I am still not sure that dogs smell fear. Myth or reality? Let me know.

And Anonymous #2, how many times do I have to tell you this: waiting tables is a real job. If it wasn't, I wouldn't get a paycheck and have to file income taxes. I go someplace for a designated period of time, punch a time clock, do an activity that I was hired to do and then I am paid for it. Yep, sounds like a real job to me. And I did go to school, it just wasn't for waiting tables. I have a degree from a real honest to goodness college that I went to while working full-time. And I actually work with two people who have the all-important masters degree you speak of who choose to wait tables because the money is better. Congratulations on your masters degree and surviving on the $12 an hour job. Let me shit out a parade for you because that is truly inspirational. And I bet since you have your masters degree, nothing at your job ever gets you even the slightest bit irritated, because once you have a masters degree every thing comes to you on silver platters after sliding down a rainbow. When you show up for work does a confetti cannon announce your arrival? Is every second of your day filled with joy and satisfaction? Because that's what a masters degree does for people, right? And I do not have a tampon in sideways or any other way. Just because I wear a Sexy Little Things® Lace-trim Cheeky Panty does not mean I have a vagina. I wear panties because they make me feel pretty.

I wait tables for a variety of reasons. It's easy. The money is good. It allows me the flexibility to do other things in my life. I don't want a job that I am at for fifty hours a week and I can't take an extra day off when I want. If I get a call to work on a movie or I audition for something that is going to take me out of town for four weeks, I just get my shifts covered and do it. That is one of the benefits of waiting tables. It pays my bills so I can focus on the things in my life that make me happy. Twenty-four hours a week pays my bills and leaves me plenty of time to enjoy my life. When I die, my last thought won't be be "I should have spent more time at work." It will be one of two things: "Thank God I found time in my life to be happy" or "Do I have time for one more grapefruit martini?" I have a feeling that there are lots of people with maters degrees who spent 70 hours a week at work and when they died, they wished they had lived their life differently. And as always, if you don't like what I write, don't read it. You can always go here if you want something that is mindless and non-thought-provoking.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

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A Comment on Comments

I have not felt the need to write a "Comment on Comments" post in a while because in my old age, I have learned to accept that people have differing opinions and it's what makes our world such a wonderful place to live in. However, that being said, someone wrote something that I could not let pass by. I wrote a post called Neat vs. Straight Up way back in October of 2009. Someone who is way tardy for the party wrote this comment the other day, edited because she might be a bag full of hot air and belchy smells:

Kelly said: Ahhh, you've got to love people in the "service" industry who act like life would be great if it weren't for all these f*&king customers. You wait tables or bartend for a living. Most people don't drink for a living and therefore might not get their orders perfect. When customers act like a$$holes, then I agree they deserve a good trashing. No one deserves to be disrespected.

It would be great if servers, yes servers, would find a decent way to help people make corrections without making them feel like jerks.

How about:
Customer: I'll take a Maker's Mark up
Waiter: (Kindly) In our bar, up means chilled. Would you rather have that neat, which would be room temperature?
Customer: Yes, that would be great. Thanks!

Your method of bringing me what I didn't really want and getting into a pissing match about it means I'm going to a different bar next time.

Okay, so I already explained that the customer was the one trying to make me feel like an idiot. He was rude, condescending and I didn't like his outfit. I didn't disrespect him. I corrected him which is the right thing to do or he will spend his entire life ordering his Maker's Mark the wrong way and thinking that every waiter he ever has is stupid. He ordered his Maker's Mark "up" so that is what I brought him. It's rare that someone would want that liquor up, but some people like it on the rocks so how am I to know? A Manhattan is made with Maker's Mark and it comes up and in a martini glass, so it wasn't like the most unusual request I have ever had. I don't judge (okay, I totally judge) when someone orders White Zinfandel with ice or an Irish coffee without any liquor, so if he wanted his Maker's up, so be it. And thank you, Kelly, for your suggestion of how it should be played out the next time this situation arises. Your little script will be very helpful. Rest assured that I printed it out in fancy font, shrunk it down, had it laminated and it is now in my wallet for the next time I don't know what to say to a customer. Can you do me a favor? Can you please write out some other scenarios for potentially awkward situations? I would like laminated directions for these moments:

• when someone asks me to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for their two year old when it is not on the menu.
• when someone wants to know why we have Pepsi and not Coca-Cola.
• what do I say when a customer wants to know why their well-done burger is still not ready three minutes after they ordered it?
• how do I respond to the customer who wants me to turn the music to another channel because they don't like that song?
• or what about when a customer asks me to turn the music off because her baby is taking a nap?

Thanks, Kelly. I can't wait to have these good-to-go scripts ready for my next confusing moment. Your help is invaluable. And also, your comment "most people don't drink for a living" is the saddest thing I have ever heard. You just brought down my entire day.


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A Comment on Comments

A recent post about tipping out generated over 50 comments. It was a real shit show. Of all the comments, one stood out to me and it needed to be addressed. I had mentioned that through the course of one night, I had made about $500 in tips. The whole point of the post was that I only kept about 35% of that due to the exorbitant amount of tipping out that happened. I walked with $173 which is a good night for certain, but a big pill to swallow knowing that so much of it went to other people who required tips too. Anonymous had this to say:

$500 that night just for filling my water glass and carrying a plate to my table? I’ve lost all sympathy for wait staff. From now on I will not tip at any restaurant. Add the gratuity to my bill and I’ll stand up on the table and make a scene until it’s removed. You don’t deserve that amount of money with your attitude.

Again, I did not get to keep all that money. It also went to bussers, bartenders, food runners, pimps, whores, lions, tigers and bears. So now this guy thinks it's alright to never tip again in any restaurant he goes to. That'll work out great for you, sir. I am sure that by the third time you pour your bucket of 1000 Island dressing ass into a booth at your local Applebee's, they will recall that you never tip and your service will be non-existent. And when you go into Hooter's with your office buddies to celebrate the big 5-0 and they add a 15% tip to your table please let me know. I really want to be there when you haul yourself onto the table to make a scene until they remove the tip.

Your argument makes no sense either. Let's evaluate it, shall we? You think that since I pulled in about $500 that night which ultimately paid many more people than just me, you should not tip anymore. I made $173 for my nine hour shift which is about $19 an hour. A far cry from $55 an hour if I had kept all the tips for myself. How would that work if you went in to Macy's to buy your year supply of Dockers® for work? They must be about $30 each pair and you need five pairs, one for each day of the week: khaki, brown, tobacco, caramel, and wood chip. With tax, that would be about $162.38. But you don't want to pay it because that guy who helped you find your size (42X28) didn't work hard enough to receive $162.38, right? So you say, "Hmmph, I want to pay twenty bucks for all these pants because that's enough for the amount of work you did. Hmmph! And can you tell me where the nearest Chili's is because I want some baby back ribs and an Awesome Blossom." It's stupid, sir.

So good luck with your plan to never tip again. And make sure you tell your friends about your plan too so that when they are going out as a group they will know not to invite your cheap sorry ass to join them.


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A Comment on Comments

Okay. This is the last I will focus any attention on this matter of being let go from the "new job" and Whistleblower Penelope. She left her final comment (so she says) so I shall respond:

Penelope says:

You were fired, let go, etc. BECAUSE they know. Did you by chance read the email commenting on staff not tweeting, fb, bloging (sic) on celebrities that come into the restaurant. That was because they read your blog.

Penelope, when I was "let go" they were very careful to NOT mention the blog, because they knew that I did nothing against the rules. They came up with a bullshit reason to fire me citing my "scheduling issues" which were not really a problem at all. I was in agreement to not say that I was fired for the blog and went along with the official reason of my "scheduling issues." But thank you for confirming that the reason I was fired was for anonymously writing a personal opinion piece. Surely, they didn't want that to be thought of as the reason because there has been case after case taken to court that gives people the right to comment online about their place of work if it is done anonymously. Which it was. People have taken employers to court to fight for their job back after being fired for the reason you just told me I was fired for. Luckily, I don't want the job back. But thanks for confirming. As for the email about not Tweeting, etc, that came to me after I was fired. No where in the piles of crap that I signed did it say anything about that. I checked. I bet from now on there will be though. You're welcome.

"Lispy Gay Manager was really hurt by a fellow gay making fun of him."

Well, then maybe you shouldn't have shown him the blog. I guess you hold some responsibility for his feelings being hurt, because it wasn't me who alerted him about the highly fictionalized version of him. And who says I'm gay? Me? Gay? That's silly, girlfriend.

"Maybe this will help confirm things for you. Behind your back we refer to you as Side Show Bob."

Side Show Bob is cool. You don't have to refer to me that way behind my back. Friends refer to me that way in front of my back. I don't mind it.


"Ok I am really going to stop indulging in this."

I doubt you can stop indulging in this. The Bitchy Waiter is like a donut. You know it's not that good for you, but it's a guilty pleasure. I know you have probably been reading the whole time since I was fired and couldn't wait to respond to the "I was fired post." And you did it. The day I posted it. Thank you for not disappointing me.

And you should also know that I have gotten more than a few emails from people from the "new job" who said they like the blog. They have agreed with many of my observations about some of the people that were written about. So, I was not the only "cancer" on the staff. Maybe you should spend some time searching out who also thinks some of the staff there have sticks up their asses. I am not the only one. I have the emails to prove it. And I recognize some of the fans on the Facebook page too. So yes, I am done with this. I wrote some mean things. I'm sorry. But you know what? The staff there was not very friendly to me either. I understand why. People must come and go so quickly (Judy Garland reference and so gay) there and people don't want to invest any time in the new folks until they know they are going to be there for a while. It's a shit show. There was no communication, the policies were never explained to me, I was told I did not have a paycheck when in fact I did, they ignored my emails, and they never followed through on what I was told would happen from orientation through getting on the floor. I was excited to work there when I got hired, but it changed. If no one would have been an ass to me, I wouldn't have had anything bad to write about.

And scene.

A Comment on Comments

I wanted to thank you for your comment on my post regarding ice machines. Since you opted to submit your thoughts anonymously, I am forced to thank you publicly. For those who missed the keen insight of this dear reader, here is what Anonymous had to say:

Get a different job. Obviously you are to stupid to work in the Bar/Restaurant industry....Ice machines are loud cumbersome but oh so necessary machines. I suggest finding employment in an office where they give you a cubicle with all you need right there so you won't have to move your fat lazy ass! Oh, and bring your own ice water!!!

Dear sweet, addled Anonymous. Surely you must recognize sarcasm. You don't really expect that I want an ice machine to be suspended over a bar so that the ice can fall directly into the bin. Do you really think I want that and expect it to happen? You dear, dear, sweet person. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you would know that all of my writing is to be taken with a grain of salt and with tongue placed firmly in cheek.

One more thing you should know. You do not know the difference between the words "to" and "too" so I placed a link for you to check out after you read this. I think it will help you in the future when you want to put your two cents in.

Thanks for reading. And I am not fat. Lazy, yes. Fat, no.


This may help your spelling and grammar issues, Anonymous.

A Comment on Comments

And now for a comment on comments. I suspect that the person who wrote this particular comment had the hope that I would respond in this way. They were right.

I am not a grammar Nazi said...

This post was really hard to read. First off, "piÑata" is not "piŃata," as someone from Texas would surely know. "PiNata" would also be acceptable in the United States, but if you are going to take the time to be international, do it correctly so those of us learned in Spanish are not confused by your meager attempts.

My second area of confusion came from the following line: "Now I guess it all depends on if the servers are allowed to carry guns to." Big no-no there, sir. Never EVER end a sentence with a preposition, such as "to." I'm sure you probably forgot your fifth grade teacher's bickering between massacring innocent critters and standing on your soap box. So let me remind you that this error can easily be fixed by changing your propositional "to" to the adverbial "too," which not only removes the problem of an objectless prposition, but also clarifies the sentence by giving it the meaning you intended.

Please, in the future, sir, remember that not all of your readers are as learned as I am and may become confused by your mistakes. Take the time to review your English before writing a blog. Maybe stick to waiting tables. I'd leave the acting out, too. "Too" with two "o's."

Dear Not a Grammar Nazi,

I have fixed the errors that you so kindly brought to my attention. Yes, I "too" hate when someone mixes up too, to, and two. I also hate the confusion that happens between there, their and they're. Another grammar mistake that bothers me is the differentiation between your and you're.

As for my piñata mistake, my Mexican relatives are spinning in their graves. I am ashamed. The four semesters of Spanish that I took obviously did not sink in and the fact that I am half-Hispanic seems to hold no agua. I should be beaten with an old stale tamale.

If "you're" looking for a perfectly written piece of writing, perhaps you should be looking in places other than a blog. Maybe The New York Times or an encyclopedia will satisfy you.

Also, you should know that me giving up acting because some random blog reader who has a red corrective pencil stuck up "their" ass tells me "to" is not a good enough reason. But thank you.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

A Comment on Comments

Every now and then, I like to pull a comment that ruffled some feathers and respond to it. Normally, I let things roll off my back because I am such a calm and easy-going kind of person. My post about Reichen Lekmkuhl really upset one Anonymous person and it was just crying out for a response.

Anonymous said...

I have a Google alert for Reichen and that's the only way I was led to your sorry blog. He's more famous for being admired for his military service and gay rights advocacy, and rise from total poverty, and less of a famewhore, like a waiter who is trying to get people to look at him for...being a waiter and a bitter queen. You should read Reichen's book. You are truly ignorant of this guy. I saw his play and it was hilarious. I look at the good in life. I'm sorry such a good accomplished guy had to be so close to your miserable company.

Ouch, Anonymous. That really hurts my feelings. I have to say Reichen is not more famous for his military service and gay rights advocacy, neither of which I intend to diminish. But let's be honest. We had never heard of him before he won the fucking reality show, so in truth that is what he is famous for. I called him a famewhore, this is true. Then you tried to insult me by calling me one too. Guess, what. I already admitted that about myself in that same post, so I'm rubber you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks right up your ass. But he is kind of a famewhore, right? Doesn't he have another reality show just about to start and in all the ads he's in a bathing suit? If you do a Google image search of Reichen (here, I'll do it for you), you see a lot of him with his clothes off. I don't really see him in his military uniform and doing book signings that often. Not that I blame him for posing in his underwear all the time. If I looked like that, I'd be naked all the time too. Hell, I would never buy clothes again. And about his play? Sorry. I didn't like it. It aimed for the lowest common denominator to get laughs and relied on heavy stereotypes. I read several other reviews that agreed with me. His acting was a bit wooden but I commended the way he looked in his underwear as did almost every other review that was written. And as for you feeling sorry that such a good guy had to be so close to my miserable bitter queen company? Don't feel bad for Reichen for being in the same restaurant as me. He doesn't know me. He didn't know I was there, and I am sure that his evening was not spoiled by the fact that he was in close proximity to me. In fact, I am fairly certain that he was not affected at all. He'll be fine.

Thanks for the comment, though. I always love when I am able to push a button in someone and make them want to write out a sentence or two to share their thoughts. Thank you for exercising your first amendment right by saying whatever the hell you feel like saying. That's what I do too. On my blog: The Bitchy Waiter.

A Comment on Comments

What is it with people who leave these nasty ass comments as Anonymous? Very rarely does someone leave a comment that is less than kind and then have the balls to sign their name. Even if they did sign their name, who fucking cares? What am I gonna do? Go to your blogspot profile and then send you an email? Oooh, scary. Check out what this anonymous douchebag wrote:

I don't tip and I'm American. I usually get the feeling from most waiters/waitress that they look at their customers as paychecks rather then people. If you don't make enough money being a server you can quit. I too once worked a minimum wage job and unfortunately for me, society didn't deem me worthy of tips. I worked at McDonalds by the way.

Hey Anonymous, you can read this post for a full explanation of why I keep my job. As for you, you never tip because you feel that "most" of your servers look at you as a paycheck? Guess what, asshat, that's what you are. And if you feel that most do, what about those few who don't? They don't get tipped either? I'm sorry that you had the misfortune of working in a McDonald's (it has an apostrophe by the way, idiot.) but you didn't get tips there because you weren't hired as a tipped employee. You made minimum wage, right? Waiters have a different minimum wage which is about $2.13 an hour depending on the state. If you consistently do not tip and you go into the same restaurant more than a few times, I can guarantee that the servers hate you. I can't verify that they would do anything to your food, but it is very possible. Not likely since most servers (myself excluded of course) are highly professional people who take pride in their jobs. But they definitely don't want you in their station. It goes something like this:

Waiter A: Oh shit, there's that guy who used to work at McDonald's.
Waiter B: Hey did you know that McDonald's has an apostrophe in it?
Waiter A: Of course I do. Only dumb ass ignorant assholes who used to work at one wouldn't know that. Duh. Anyway, it's your turn to serve this guy because I had him last time and he never tips.
Waiter B: I know, I hate him. He's always looking at me like I'm just this person that's supposed to bring him his food. He's creepy.
Waiter A: Yeah, I know. I wonder why he doesn't tip.
Waiter B: I dunno. Maybe he can't afford it. Oh well, I'll serve him and hope for the best. That's what we do, right?
Waiter A: Right. Don't be mean to him though and spit in his food or anything. I feel sorry for him. I mean, he used to work at McDonald's.
Waiter B: I would never spit in his food. That would be so immature of me and unprofessional. I'll ask a cook to do it.
Waiter A: Yeah, that's totally what I was thinking. Cool.



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