It's Hot and It's Monotonous

It's hot outside. Really. Hot. Now I know some people live in Arizona or Texas where you can fry eggs on the sidewalk, but here in New York City it gets pretty toasty too. When the temperature hits the 90° mark something happens here. The heat bounces off the sidewalks and the skyscrapers and lands on the piles of garbage bags that are sitting on the sidewalk and then all that heat and funk gathers up into a big ball and rolls down the stairs into the subway platform and sits on the bench next you as you wait for the F train that may or may not be coming. And I am wearing black most of the time because that is my goddamn work uniform.

True, I could change into my uniform when I get to work but there are two issues with that. Number one, I don't ever want to leave home in time to get to work those three extra minutes it would take to change clothes. Number two, if I leave my uniform at work there is always the chance that someone else will wear it when I'm not there. Yeah, I don't get that either, but it happens. One time I was working with this girl who was wearing a uniform that was clearly too big. When I asked her what was up, she informed me that she forgot her clothes at home so she just put on someone else's. That is nasty. I don't wanna put on my pants and realize that the night before they were worn by someone who may have gotten her period in them. So I wear my blacks to work and deal with my face melting off. If it would just melt off in the right places, I would be fine with that. If some of my nose could melt away so it's a normal size, praise to be to God.

When I got home last night and peeled my uniform off it sat on the floor and turned into a puddle of sweat. Why black? Wouldn't it be refreshing to see your server in a nice white linen or gauze outfit? Or maybe a simple white t-shirt? There was a time when the go-to restaurant uniform was khakis and a polo shirt, but over the ages it has evolved into all black. The best thing about the black is that it hides stains and wrinkles, but I'd be willing to buy a bottle of bleach and an iron if it meant I could wear white for a change. I imagine that in ten years from now, restaurant owners will devise a new look for their servers to wear and it will be even more uncomfortable. Can't you just see us having to wear a burlap tuxedo as we take burger temperatures? It's not that much of a stretch. When I was a cater waiter, I had to wear a tuxedo that was 110% polyester. Okay, it was only 100% polyester. The other 10% was embarrassment. And I never wore that to work. Even I was too ashamed to get on the train wearing a discounted used tuxedo that I bought at Sal's Tuxedo Junction on Steinway Street in Astoria.

It's about 90° today and in two hours I will be putting on my black shirt. I need some serious pit pads. And Arrid Extra Dry. And a towel. And a head band. The melting of the face will commence soon. Now if only I could figure out how to get my Dumbo ears to melt down to a regular size, Id be good.

And what do you wear to work? (And bonus points to anyone who gets the title reference.)

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Does Anyone Still Wear A Hat? While Waitressing?

Summer is upon us and the humidity level is creeping higher and higher. Here on the East Coast, the weather is a crazy thing to me. Having lived here for 16 years I am still not used to the fact that in the winter it can be 5° and then in the summer it can be 95°. What the hell kind of place is this? And I don't care what people say about it not being the heat but the humidity. If it's 95° it's fucking hot no matter what the humidity level is. The reason I'm so flumfluxxed about the temperature is because I have to wear a uniform to work and that uniform is black pants and a long sleeve black button up shirt. You try wearing that and walking into the depths of holy hell that we call the subway and try to stay fresh for more than three minutes. It's impossible. When I get off the train and get to work, it's not pretty sometimes. Sure, I could carry my uniform to work in a garment bag, but really? A garment bag that carries a stain covered pair of pants and a faded dress shirt? Not worth it. Or I could fold it and carry it in a bag, but really? And then get to work and have to wear a stain covered pair of pants and a faded dress shirt that is also wrinkled? A true dilemma. So what do I do? I wear it and and turn into a big hot sweaty mess and then serve my guests looking like a tired dried up French whore who just gave a blow job in a sauna.

At my last job, I could wear whatever I wanted which was a good thing for about two weeks. And then I realized I was getting all my real clothes stained with coffee and grease and I started longing for a uniform again. I don't know who came up with the universal uniform for restaurant folks to be khakis, but that's what it is most of the time. Pizzeria Uno, Bennigan's, Houlihan's and Black Eyed Pea were all khakis. I have spent about 13 years of my life being forced to wear Dockers and Gap pants.

My big issue with a uniform is when the restaurant requires you to wear a certain article of clothing but they make us pay for it. That pisses my shit off. If I have to wear that ugly ass burgundy shirt, Mr. Houlihan's, I don't want to pay for it. Same thing with you, Mr. Black Eyed Pea. I have to buy the green shirt with the stupid ass embroidered logo? Or sometimes they will give you one shirt but if you want another it comes out of your paycheck. Fuck that. I will take the one free shirt and wear that bitch every day until it has so much food on it that it walk itself into the restaurant and start picking up shifts.

If I have to wear a uniform, I want to wear one that has some personality. I want a little hat and an cute frilly apron and a name tag. I want a big starched white collar and white sneakers. I want bright red lipstick and a beehive. Basically, I wanna be Flo from the television show Alice. I have written about her before and I have even been her for Halloween. Now that's a uniform.

And does anyone get what the post title is referring to? Does anyone still wear...a hat?

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