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Monday, April 19, 2010

I Don't Need Help Wiping My Ass

As much as I write about the overall crappiness of waiting tables, I think I may have found a service job that ranks even lower than being a slinger of the hash. Whilst eating dinner at a very fancy and hoity toity restaurant a few days ago, I came across some poor slob who had taken service positions to a new low. A job that even I would refuse to take and that says a lot, because I fucking worked as Popeye once at an amusement park. I'll fucking do practically any job. Except one. Behold: the bathroom attendant.

I have never really understood the need for a bathroom attendant. Not since I was about five years old have a I needed assistance doing anything toilet related. (Well, there was that one time my sophomore year in college but that was totally random. And thank you, you know who you are.) What is it about upscale joints that make them feel the need to have someone in the loo to turn on the faucet for me and then hand me a fucking paper towel? And then there is that awkward moment where you pretend that you are going to give them a dollar. I pulled the old "my wallet is in my coat pocket" trick because I just don't want to give this guy money. Yes, it sucks that he sits in this room and has to listen to the kids being dropped off at the pool over and over again. And I am sorry that he has to smell whatever odor is emitted from the body of Fatty McFattFatt Ass. And I feel bad that his shoes are covered with the golden droplets of urine that didn't quite make it into the urinal. But really? I need to give this guy a dollar? He had the sink area all covered with cologne and lotion and mouthwash and gum and anything else I might need, but the thing is I didn't need it. The bathroom was about the square footage of a box of Cheerios, so it would have been nice to have more room in there instead of half of it being taken up by this professional ass wiper.

Does this sound bitchy? I realize he too is looking for tips. He wants money. But a bathroom attendant? C'mon. I now know there is at least one job in the restaurant world that I will never have.

14 comments:

Melissa said...

Even more reason to tip the guy. I always have and always will. And, no, I do not visit "fancy dancy" restaurants the whole time, just grew up in a country where it was common to see bathroom attendants and they always made sure toilet paper was replenished and hand towels available. They mopped the floors and cleaned our crap. They deserve my tip.

Do you tip at gas stations?

Urbanely Wicked Thoughts said...

Sorry someone grew up south of the border. But hey she escaped. Anyway, if I need the stuff they're schlepping, I absolutely cough it up. But tipping because someone listened to me piddle, hah, I gotta Starbucks cup with that buck on it.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, they're kind of like those guys who wash your car windows at intersections, or open the doors for you at Duane Reade. You didn't ask for the service, yet you have to give something once they've performed it. I tip them out of guilt, but it's definitely awkward.

Robyn said...

Never seen toilet attendants here in Australia. Cleaners yes of course that come and go. As for pumping petrol here. Ya do that ya self.

Banquet Manager said...

I get these dopey brides that think having a guy/girl in the toilet is "high class". Yeah right.

dirtydisher said...

OMG, I've often thought the same thing. Who would be desperate enough to take a job smelling poop all day? So gross. It reminds me of that creepy attendant dude in The Shining anyhow.

Cynthia said...

Interesting post.
The only time that seeing bathroom attendants made sense to me was watching them in the old 30's and 40's movies (ala "The Women", etc.) where the bathrooms look like ultra-chic, multi-room enclaves with foo-foo gilt furniture, lots of mirrors and women in long gowns smoking ciggies. Toilets were nowhere to be seen.
Those toilet attendants apparently served their purpose and received beaucoup tips for their lowly profession, and they did it with style!

In real life, I can wipe my own butt, thank you very much - and as for a tip? Here's one. Get a better job where you don't have to smell poo.

Anonymous said...

I think that some can attendants are stationed to prevent coke use.

Ana said...

In Vegas those "attendants" are everywhere! But I always thought, what happens in Vegas stay there. No need for them around here! But If I saw here here on the East Coast I would tip them :) one whole dollar, but I would.

Anonymous said...

In defense of the bathroom guys, most times their job is not just to hand you paper towels but to actually keep the bathroom clean and functioning. If the toilet clogs, they fix it. If the floor is sticky, they wipe it. If it smells, they spray. If the bathroom is well maintained, and you appreciate it, you should tip them.

Sarah said...

"And I am sorry that he has to smell whatever odor is emitted from the body of Fatty McFattFatt Ass"

Right, because the urine and feces of thin people smells like candy.

Elizabeth said...

I completely agree with you! I was in Vegas a couple years ago and a bathroom attendant had a sign saying she didn't get paid, she worked for tips. My thoughts: get a job that pays and wouldn't be stuck in the bathroom all day. A couple weeks ago in Chicago, a woman actually squirted the soap in my hand. I can do that myself, thankyouverymuch!

Restroomguy said...

I make 1000$ a week restroom guy

Anonymous said...

I have been cleaning Restrooms For many Years at Major Events all over the many States And I make a 1000 dollars A day for a 10 - 14 day event. Do you clean your restroom at home? D0 you make a 1000 dollars A day doing it? We both are doing the same job Soooooo who's the the SMARTER one ME or YOU HA HA