I never really thought about being Pope for a number of reasons; I'm not Catholic, I'm gay, I don't look good in hats, etc. However, I do think that the Catholic church needs some updating so maybe it's time they had a non-Catholic, gay (out of the closet) Pope. And I do look really good in crowns, so why not? I would think that the Pope has some really great health benefits and probably gets paid vacation. I doubt he has to clean ketchup lids or fill salt and pepper shakers. He lives rent-free in the Vatican and gets to ride around in that cool little Popemobile. He travels all over the world dispensing wisdom and spiritual guidance so it's pretty much what I already do now.
As I mentioned, I did not grow up Catholic. I was raised a Southern Baptist where the fear of God was whipped into me by a preacher at the pulpit. Seeing that I am rather unfamiliar with what all the Pope has to do, I decided that a little research would be in order. I went to HowStuffWorks.com and found out everything I need to know about Popedom so I feel like I have a pretty good shot of at least getting an interview.
Assuming I get elected (and why wouldn't I?) I learned that Cardinal Dean will ask me two questions. I don't know who Cardinal Dean is but he probably is just a figure-head who will accept any old answer. In any case, I am prepared:
Question: Do you accept your canonical election as Supreme Pontiff?
Question: By what name do you wish to be called?
Answer: Patriarch of the West Papa Bitchy the Pope #sideofmustard
As for the duties that will befall upon me, I think I can handle them. I have often said that waiting tables prepares one for almost any job in the world and now is my chance to prove it.
Serves as bishop of the archdiocese of Rome, providing spiritual guidance to its members- I got this. If it has the word "serves" in it, I'm good. Next!
Appoints bishops and cardinal- I can do that. It would be just like choosing a shift leader. You want someone who knows a lot but maybe not the person who knows the most. Sometimes the person who knows the most isn't very nice to those who know less.
Presides at beatification and canonization ceremonies- I love to make things more beautiful and I wrote a paper once in junior high school about the Revolutionary War and I had a whole paragraph on cannons. No problem.
Spreads the word of the Roman Catholic Church through his travels- If we change "Roman Catholic Church" to "Ways Customers Annoys Me" I am good to go on this one. I even have business cards that have my website on them.
Writes documents that define the Catholic Church's official position on issues facing the world- Well, I like to write and as long as I have an Internet connection and Google, I can write about anything. Easy.
Confers with global leaders and politicians about these issues- This would be a little out of my comfort zone because so far, the closest I have come to a global leader or politician is when I met Dr. Phil and when Gayle King tweeted me and she is one degree of separation from Oprah who is pretty much a deity herself. I also served Hillary Clinton a crab cake at a fundraiser once.
I think the thing that would be the best about being the Pope would be the new uniform. Gone are the days of all black polyester slip-resistance shoes. I could wear pretty frocks any day of the year instead of waiting until October 31st and those red shoes he wears are absolutely fabulous.
Another thing I know that the Pope does is give out the Holy Communion which is bread and wine, right? I have totally done that like a thousand times. I can do this, y'all! "Real job" coming right up!
If (more like when) I become Pope, I may have to let the blog slow done a little bit. I don't know how much time I will have to write, what with all the the movie premiers and church openings I will be expected to attend. Maybe I can start a new blog called The Bitchy Pope. I dunno, we shall see. I have not found the job application yet but I am sure it just takes some digging. The Vatican's website is so complicated that "submit for this job" is buried somewhere. That may be my first order of business once I start: update the website.
Wish me luck, everyone. And happy Ash Wednesday. Again, being very unfamiliar with Catholicism, I am not sure what it this day means. To me, it looks like a lot of people got too close to a candle they were blowing out. Don't worry though. When I am Pope, I will Google Ash Wednesday and make sure I understand it. I want to take my new career as seriously as possible.
Pacis erit vobiscum! (That means "peace be with you" in Latin. Duh.)
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