Happy Birthday, Ann B. Davis. Make Me a Meatloaf.

Well, I was going to write about one of the performers who sang at the club recently and what a total bitch she was. I mean, can you say Pepé le Pew? Sacre bleu! First, she kicked the other performer out of the one dressing room even though the other performer was singing two and a half hours sooner than Diva Bitch. Her excuse? "But I must put on my face." Bitch, somebody already put your face on you and it was a doctor at Park and 73rd. And he put it on too tight. I was going to write about how she made us rearrange the whole entire showroom and remove seven tables and fourteen chairs, carrying them downstairs just so she had room "to move around." I was going to tell you how she was doing her sound check and got upset that the curtains to the showroom were open allowing the people in the lobby to see her before she was ready and how she yelled at me to close the curtain and I yelled back at her that I can't move tables out of the room if the curtain is closed so if she wants the tables gone then the curtains will have to remain open and how she didn't understand so I told her two more times and she finally shrugged her shoulders as if to say, "Je ne sais pas. Je suis une fucking bitch hat." But I don't have to write about that now because I woke up knowing that today was a very special day. Happy birthday, Ann B. Davis who turns 86 years young today!

How do I love Ann B. Davis? Let me count the ways. She played the best housekeeper in the history of television. I mean it. Her uniform was about the same as Hazel's but Hazel was a busy body who was always getting up in Mr. Baxter's business. Alice never did that. Rosie the Robot was a pretty good maid, but she often needed repairing and replacement parts that George Jetson was responsible for. The only time Alice ever needed anything cleaned out, her boyfriend Sam the butcher took care of that. Florence Johnston was a horrible housekeeper and all she ever did was give Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson sass and attitude up on the East Side. Would Alice ever give lip to Mike or Carol? No, she would not. She would only give lip to Sam and he in turn would give her a piece of tube steak. Mrs. Garrett was the maid for the Drummond family but she had no loyalty and as soon as she was offered a job at the Eastland School for Girls she left Arnold, Willis and Kimberly at the drop of a hat leaving them with Adelaide who was then followed by Pearl. Alice would never leave the Brady house. (Well, she did one time but it was brief and a total mistake.) Alice had class, smarts, humor, patience and she made the best damn meatloaf on Clinton Way. The only meatloaf she liked better than her own was Sam's. She even wrote a cookbook, and yes, I have it. The one recipe I use most often is on page 38 and I want to share it with you.  It is a real recipe, but it's much better if you add Stoli Blueberry Vodka to it. My drink of choice.

Lovely Lady Lemonade

1/2 cup of sugar
1/2 cup hot water
1/2 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
7 1/2 cups water

Dissolve the sugar in the hot water and allow to cool. Pour the lemon juice, water and sugar mix into a pitcher and stir. Add ice for the best drink on a hot summer day. Makes 8 servings.

Happy birthday, Ann B. Davis.You're 86! And I love you.











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RIP, Sherwood Schwartz

There is a pall over 4222 Clinton Way, where the Brady's live. It is a sad day indeed for me and many other people across the globe because yesterday we lost one of the most prolific and important creators of television ever to exist. Sherwood Schwartz died on Tuesday at the age of 94. If you don't know who he is, then shame on you and may you be cursed by a tiki idol. Maybe the phrase "the youngest one in curls" will jolt your memory. Sherwood Schwartz created the best, most endearing and beloved television sitcom in the history of the world, The Brady Bunch. And as if that wasn't enough, he also created Gilligan's Island. The man was clearly a genius who was able to pry open the minds of Americans and see what they wanted to watch on television. How else was he able to produce two shows that although ridiculed in the beginning have managed to remain on the air for over 40 years?

Thinking of the passing of Mr. Schwartz brings to mind episode #74 of Gilligan's Island, "Where there's a Will, There's a Way." It's the one where Mr. Howell writes a will and leaves everyone on the island a fantastic gift after his death. He leaves oil wells and yachts and diamond mines. You know, your average everyday rich people stuff. Well, then Mr. Howell gets all paranoid that everyone wants to kill him so they can hurry up and get their bequeathment so he goes into hiding. While running through the jungle, he narrowly escapes some quick sand and then he gets an idea. He places his hat on the quick sand so that when the others find it, they will think he was swallowed up into the earth. Of course the Skipper finds it and they give him a funeral but Mr. Howell is hiding in the tree watching what everyone is saying about him. It is then that he realizes that the other castaways loved him and not just his money. As he wipes tears from his eyes, the tree branch breaks and he falls onto the ground ruining his secret. Everyone gathers around him saying how glad they are that he is alive. It's one of my favorite episodes on Gilligan's Island because it actually deals with a very serious subject in a Gilligan-gets-hit-on-the-head-with-a-coconut kind of way. Advice to anyone who is at Sherwood Schwartz's funeral: you better look up into the trees and make sure his sneaky ass isn't sitting on a branch watching you cry for him. I wouldn't put it past him, that crazy Sherwood Schwartz.

So, We say thank you to Mr. Schwartz for filling our childhood afternoons with laughs and silliness. His shows served as our babysitter, our friend and our teacher. He taught us lessons that we use to this very day. For example, when you want to back out of a date, you simply have to use the excuse "something suddenly came up." He also taught me the entire story to Hamlet thanks to episode #72 of Gilligan's Island where movie producer Harold Hecuba visits the island and they write their own musical version of the play.

Ophelia: Hamlet, dear, your problem is clear, avenging your father's death. You seek to harm your uncle and Mom, but you're scaring me to death.

C'mon, that's some fucking brilliance right there. But most of all, Sherwood Schwartz's shows taught us to enjoy life. Every single episode of Gilligan's Island and The Brady Bunch had a neat tidy ending where everyone was happy and life was good. Maybe they weren't completely realistic versions of life but they still gave us a hope that we too could find happiness in our every day life. If Ginger Grant could be happy at the end of an episode where she is almost thrown into a volcano, then shouldn't we be able to find some joy in our life?

Rest in peace, Sherwood Schwartz. Wherever you are, I hope you are having a Sunshine Day!

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Dear Diary, It's Me Marcia Brady

Dear Diary,

Today at work was totally groovy. I absolutely love working for Mr. Haskell at the ice cream hut. I'm not supposed to eat any ice cream without paying for it but sometimes I can't resist a tiny taste of the Rocky Road! I'd better watch how much I eat though because I don't want to get fat like that cow of a sister of mine, Jan. She's so jealous of me. Anyway, today was much better than yesterday when my old boyfriend Doug came in and I poured a hot fudge sundae on his head. I don't care about Doug anymore. Today a new boy started working with me and he is totally dreamy. He has the cutest dimples and the curliest hair in the whole wide world. When I see him, I feel like I'm dancing on a rainbow and The Monkeees are playing "Daydream Believer" in my heart. When he first showed up for work, the first thing I did was run to the bathroom to apply a new coat of Precious Pouty Pink lip gloss and then I practiced my smile in the mirror. Too bad I was wearing my uniform of ugly blue pants today! Why couldn't he first see me in my terrific plaid mini skirt with my favorite ruffle shirt? Oh well. I went out and introduced myself to him. He said "hey" and I practically melted faster than the ice cream does when Mr. Haskell won't turn on the air conditioning. He seems like a great worker but I did notice that every time Mr. Haskell went to his office the first thing he did was eat a scoop of ice cream and make a call on the pay phone. He wouldn't tell me his name either, but I think it just adds to his mysteriousness. He told me to call him Bitchy Waiter. Sigh. Mrs. Marcia Bitchy Waiter. Mrs. Marcia Bitchy Waiter! I think I love him! He must be really shy because he never responded to any of my best moves. I tossed my hair, I giggled, I asked for help carrying a heavy box and I even asked him if he would walk me home from school one day but nothing seems to be working. At least I know he doesn't like Jan either because she came into to look at the schedule and all he did when he saw her was compliment her shoes. (Which used to be mine because Jan is the middle child and all she gets are hand me downs. Oh Jan. Poor Jan.) Towards the end of the shift, Greg came in to buy some ice cream for Alice to serve as dessert. At first, I thought Bitchy Waiter must know Greg because as soon as he came in, he went right up to him and told him hello. Bitchy Waiter couldn't stop staring at Greg the whole time he was there. He must have been admiring Greg's letter jacket or something. After Greg left Bitchy Waiter asked me all these questions about him and wanted to know if he had a girlfriend and what his hobbies were and what size shoe he wore. Finally, he was talking to me!! He does like me! I invited him over for dinner tonight since Alice was making her world famous meatloaf. At first he said he couldn't make it but then he asked if Greg would be there. Once I told him I was sure he would be, he decided to come! He asked me to call him if I find out that Greg won't be there though. Oh, Dear Diary, I think I am in love. He should be here for dinner any minute. I will keep you posted. (And Cindy, if you are reading this, stop it!)

Love,
Marcia

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Was Alice a Maid or a Waitress?

In honor of Ann B. Davis' 85th birthday, how can I not post about The Brady Bunch? Alice Nelson is the wind beneath my wings. She is the apple of my eye. She is the maid I never had. Let's think back to episode #83, "Goodbye, Alice, Hello." The original air date was November 24, 1972. I was but a wee bitchy waiter then just learning how to carry trays and give attitude to tables. Anyhoo, this is the episode where the Brady kids feel that Alice is a snitch and they don't trust her anymore. Peter broke a vase and when Carol asked Alice who did it, she told the truth and got Peter into major trouble. Then some other shit happens that makes Marcia and Greg think Alice is wronging them so Alice says "fuck all y'all bitches" and she ups and leaves for a new career. As a waitress. Even though that's pretty much all she did for the Brady's anyway. Now I don't know how much money Mike Brady was paying her ass, but it had to have been more than she was making at The Golden Spoon Cafe (at Fourth and Oak). They only show her working one shift at the cafe but there are only a few tables in there and unless she is working 100 hours a week, it ain't gonna cut it. Plus all of a sudden she had to start paying rent and buying groceries. She had it pretty good at 4222 Clinton Way when she was living with the kids. True she had to clean up and cook for eight people but she had her own room, didn't pay rent and got to eat all the leftovers she wanted. Plus the uniform at the Brady residence was way cuter than that piece of shit they made her wear at The Golden Spoon. Who knows, maybe Alice shacked up with her piece of meat, Sam the Butcher during that episode. I mean, how could she quit her job as a maid and then the next day have a new job and an apartment? So the Brady kids feel all bad and shit for making Alice leave and they really hate her replacement, Kay. Kay is all business and won't even play a game of basketball with the boys when they ask her to. What a bitch, that Kay is. One day Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy all go to the restaurant to check on Alice and ask her to please come back home with them. And of course she does. She throws her apron off and hugs them and is so excited that she got her old job back and off they go, leaving The Golden Spoon in a lurch because she was the only waitress and she just leaves in the middle of a shift. She totally burned that bridge and I hope she doesn't ever need a reference from Mr. Foster (he's the owner) because he was probably totally pissed off at her for bailing like that. Someone else that was probably royally screwed was Kay. She just started this cushy new job at the Brady's and then Alice decides she wants her job back, so now Kay is unemployed? I dunno, maybe she can talk to Mr. Foster and pick up some shifts at The Golden Spoon.

The fact that Alice left her waitress job to go back to the kids says a lot about waiting tables. Waiting tables must really really suck if she chooses to be a fucking maid for all those people (and Tiger too) rather than sling hash at The Golden Spoon Cafe. Waiting tables ain't easy. Go ask Alice. She knows.

Happy birthday, Ann B. Davis!

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Dancing With The Bitchy Waiter

I can't write today because I picked up this really odd job for three days where I will be selling really expensive jewelry at a convention center. God bless Craigslist. I have worked for her before. It's like selling food but instead of a burger on a tray, I am carrying $10,000 worth of necklaces. I dropped a tray last time and realized I was scooping up precious jewels in the same way I would scoop up greasy french fries. Even though I had to get up at 6:45 this morning, I stayed up way too late though in order to watch Carol Brady on Dancing With the Stars. She kinda sucked. But I loved her. Sorry about this lame post. But I must sell jewels today...

I do not watch Dancing With the Stars because I pride myself on not watching vapid and useless reality television. (Not including America's Next Top Model, Make Me a Supermodel, Project Runway, Top Chef, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Survivor, Wipeout, Design Star, The Next Food Network Star and 16 and Pregnant because I never miss any of those.) But I have never ever stooped so low as to watch Dancing With the Semi-Stars. Okay, I did watch it that one season when Marie Osmond was on it and I got to watch her pass the fuck out on live television and it was great. But other than that, I don't waste my time with that shit. However, I may have to make an exception this year because they have announced their lineup and someone will be dancing that I simply cannot resist watching. No it's not Bristol Palin or The Situation or even Margaret Cho that has made my panties moist. It's Florence fucking Henderson. You know The Bitchy Waiter loves him some Carol Brady. I just do. As proven here. Oh Florence, why won't you call me? Why won't you come to my station and let me serve you? Why are you not my best friend?

Okay, I just needed you to know about that. Carry on.


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Bitchy Waiter + Marcia Brady = LOVE

Today is August 5 and a day that we should all brush our hair a hundred strokes before bedtime, practice our cheer leading skills and guard our noses from flying footballs because today is the birthday of Marcia Brady herself, Maureen McCormick. In honor of this special day I want to imagine what it would have been like for Marcia and The Bitchy Waiter to work together at Mr. Haskell's ice cream hut. We know that she worked there very briefly until that bitch Jan came in and stole her job away from her, but what if... Behold, a page from Marcia's diary:

Dear Diary,
Today at work was totally groovy. I absolutely love working for Mr. Haskell at the ice cream hut. I'm not supposed to eat any ice cream without paying for it but sometimes I can't resist a tiny taste of the Rocky Road! I'd better watch how much I eat though because I don't want to get fat like that cow of a sister of mine, Jan. She's so jealous of me. Anyway, today was much better than yesterday when my old boyfriend Doug came in and I poured a hot fudge sundae on his head. I don't care about Doug anymore. Today a new boy started working with me and he is totally dreamy. He has the cutest dimples and the curliest hair in the whole wide world. When I see him, I feel like I'm dancing on a rainbow and The Monkeees are playing "Daydream Believer" in my heart. When he first showed up for work, the first thing I did was run to the bathroom to apply a new coat of Precious Pouty Pink lip gloss and then I practiced my smile in the mirror. Too bad I was wearing my uniform of ugly blue pants today! Why couldn't he first see me in my terrific plaid mini skirt with my favorite ruffle shirt? Oh well. I went out and introduced myself to him. He said "hey" and I practically melted faster than the ice cream does when Mr. Haskell won't turn on the air conditioning. He seems like a great worker but I did notice that every time Mr. Haskell went to his office the first thing he did was eat a scoop of ice cream and make a call on the pay phone. He wouldn't tell me his name either, but I think it just adds to his mysteriousness. He told me to call him Bitchy Waiter. Sigh. Mrs. Marcia Bitchy Waiter. Mrs. Marcia Bitchy Waiter! I think I love him! He must be really shy because he never responded to any of my best moves. I tossed my hair, I giggled, I asked for help carrying a heavy box and I even asked him if he would walk me home from school one day but nothing seems to be working. At least I know he doesn't like Jan either because she came into to look at the schedule and all he did when he saw her was compliment her shoes. (Which used to be mine because Jan is the middle child and all she gets are hand me downs. Oh Jan. Poor Jan.) Towards the end of the shift, Greg came in to buy some ice cream for Alice to serve as dessert. At first, I thought Bitchy Waiter must know Greg because as soon as he came in, he went right up to him and told him hello. Bitchy Waiter couldn't stop staring at Greg the whole time he was there. He must have been admiring Greg's letter jacket or something. After Greg left Bitchy Waiter asked me all these questions about him and wanted to know if he had a girlfriend and what his hobbies were and what size shoe he wore. Finally, he was talking to me!! He does like me! I invited him over for dinner tonight since Alice was making her world famous meatloaf. At first he said he couldn't make it but then he asked if Greg would be there. Once I told him I was sure he would be, he decided to come! He asked me to call him if I find out that Greg won't be there though. Oh, Dear Diary, I think I am in love. He should be here for dinner any minute. I will keep you posted. (And Cindy, if you are reading this, stop it!)

Love,
Marcia

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The Brady Bunch Makes Me Happy

I am on vacation so you are forced to read this old tired summer rerun of a post. If I can pull myself away from the cocktails, I will write something new. In the meantime, this is all there is. My apologies.

The Bitchy Waiter

Enough time has passed since I spoke of my true love The Brady Bunch and I must revisit that classic series. I am thinking back to episode #83, "Goodbye, Alice, Hello." The original air date was November 24, 1972 and I just want to reiterate that this was at least ten years before I was born. Do not question this. Just believe that I was born in the 80's. Yeah, the late 80's. Anyhoo, this is the episode where the kids feel that Alice is a snitch and they don't trust her anymore. Peter broke a vase and when Carol asked Alice who did it, she told the truth and got Peter into major trouble. Then some other shit happens that makes Marcia and Greg think Alice is wronging them so Alice says "fuck all y'all bitches" and she ups and leaves for a new career. As a waitress. Now I don't know how much money Mike Brady was paying her ass, but it had to have been more than she was making at The Golden Spoon Cafe (at Fourth and Oak). They only show her working one shift at the cafe but there are only a few tables in there and unless she is working 100 hours a week, it ain't gonna cut it. Plus all of a sudden she had to start paying rent and buying groceries. She had it pretty good at 4222 Clinton Way when she was living with the kids. True she had to clean up and cook for eight people but she had her own room, didn't pay rent and got to eat all the leftovers she wanted. Plus the uniform at the Brady residence was way cuter than that piece of shit they made her wear at The Golden Spoon. Who knows, maybe Alice shacked up with her piece of meat, Sam the Butcher during that episode. I mean, how could she quit her job as a maid and then the next day have a new job and an apartment? So the Brady kids feel all bad and shit for making Alice leave and they really hate her replacement, Kay. Kay is all business and won't even play a game of basketball with the boys when they ask her to. What a bitch, that Kay is. One day Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy all go to the restaurant to check on Alice and ask her to please come back home with them. And of course she does. She throws her apron off and hugs them and is so excited that she got her old job back and off they go, leaving The Golden Spoon in a lurch because she was the only waitress and she just leaves in the middle of a shift. She totally burned that bridge and I hope she doesn't ever need a reference from Mr. Foster (he's the owner) because he was probably totally pissed off at her for bailing like that. Someone else that was probably royally screwed was Kay. She just started this cushy new job at the Brady's and then Alice decides she wants her job back, so now Kay is unemployed? I dunno, maybe she can talk to Mr. Foster and pick up some shifts at The Golden Spoon.

The fact that Alice left her waitress job to go back to the kids says a lot about waiting tables. Waiting tables must really really suck if she chooses to be a fucking maid for all those people (and Tiger too) rather than sling hash at The Golden Spoon Cafe. Waiting tables ain't easy. Go ask Alice. She knows.


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Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Enough time has passed since I spoke of my true love The Brady Bunch and I must revisit that classic series. I am thinking back to episode #83, "Goodbye, Alice, Hello." The original air date was November 24, 1972 and I just want to reiterate that this was at least ten years before I was born. Do not question this. Just believe that I was born in the 80's. Yeah, the late 80's. Anyhoo, this is the episode where the kids feel that Alice is a snitch and they don't trust her anymore. Peter broke a vase and when Carol asked Alice who did it, she told the truth and got Peter into major trouble. Then some other shit happens that makes Marcia and Greg think Alice is wronging them so Alice says "fuck all y'all bitches" and she ups and leaves for a new career. As a waitress. Now I don't know how much money Mike Brady was paying her ass, but it had to have been more than she was making at The Golden Spoon Cafe (at Fourth and Oak). They only show her working one shift at the cafe but there are only a few tables in there and unless she is working 100 hours a week, it ain't gonna cut it. Plus all of a sudden she had to start paying rent and buying groceries. She had it pretty good at 4222 Clinton Way when she was living with the kids. True she had to clean up and cook for eight people but she had her own room, didn't pay rent and got to eat all the leftovers she wanted. Plus the uniform at the Brady residence was way cuter than that piece of shit they made her wear at The Golden Spoon. Who knows, maybe Alice shacked up with her piece of meat, Sam the Butcher during that episode. I mean, how could she quit her job as a maid and then the next day have a new job and an apartment? So the Brady kids feel all bad and shit for making Alice leave and they really hate her replacement, Kay. Kay is all business and won't even play a game of basketball with the boys when they ask her to. What a bitch, that Kay is. One day Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy all go to the restaurant to check on Alice and ask her to please come back home with them. And of course she does. She throws her apron off and hugs them and is so excited that she got her old job back and off they go, leaving The Golden Spoon in a lurch because she was the only waitress and she just leaves in the middle of a shift. She totally burned that bridge and I hope she doesn't ever need a reference from Mr. Foster (he's the owner) because he was probably totally pissed off at her for bailing like that. Someone else that was probably royally screwed was Kay. She just started this cushy new job at the Brady's and then Alice decides she wants her job back, so now Kay is unemployed? I dunno, maybe she can talk to Mr. Foster and pick up some shifts at The Golden Spoon.

The fact that Alice left her waitress job to go back to the kids says a lot about waiting tables. Waiting tables must really really suck if she chooses to be a fucking maid for all those people (and Tiger too) rather than sling hash at The Golden Spoon Cafe. Waiting tables ain't easy. Go ask Alice. She knows.