Birthdays, The Facts of Life, Great Tips and Shitty Ones

May 29th is one of the most special and reverent days of all 365 days of the year. It was on this day, a certain number of years ago before cell phones, iPads and the discovery of fire, that my mother pushed out 7 pounds and 11 ounces of bitch and ended up with a curly haired moppet destined for a life of average. Rumor has it, when the doctor slapped my ass after birth, I slapped him right back and then asked him how he'd like his burger cooked. He handed me to a nurse who wrapped me up in an apron and placed me in a bread warmer. She gave me a piece of paper that had my sidework on it and the rest is history.

I get a lot of photos from people who want to share little bits of their jobs with me. I got these two photos on the same day showing how vastly different tips can be from customer to customer. As fellow birthday girl Lisa "Blair Warner" Welchel says, "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have: the facts of life."

Anyway, back to me. May 29th is a great day to be born.  Don't believe me? Just ask these other people who share my birthday:

• John Hinckley, Jr.-the guy who tried to kill Ronald Reagan
• Annette Benning- cool lady with an old husband
• LaToya Jackson- my dream prom date
• Bob Hope- legendary comedian (Pull out your Ouija board to ask him, because his ass is way dead)
• John F. Kennedy, Jr.- (Ask Bob Hope to ask JFK how he likes his birthday.)
• Melissa Etheridge- lesbian
• Melanie Brown- Spice Girl

As you go through your day today, please take a moment to send out good thoughts to me and my special lady, Lisa Welchel. If you want to give me something for my birthday,  you already have just by reading this. And if you want to give me something else, just share this blog post by clicking "Like."

Thank you for being so awesome.



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Happy Birthday To Me and Lisa Welchel

Today is an auspicious occasion. May 29th is one of the most special and reverent days of all 365 days of the year. It is on this day, a certain number of years ago, at 1:27 PM, that my mother pushed out 7 pounds and 11 ounces of bitch and ended up with a curly haired moppet destined for average. Rumor has it, when the doctor slapped my ass after birth, I slapped him right back and then asked him how he'd like his burger cooked. He handed me to a nurse who wrapped me up in an apron and placed me in a bread warmer. She gave me a sheet that had my sidework on it and the rest is history.

May 29th is a great day to be born. It always falls around Memorial Day so a three-day weekend is a pretty regular occurrence for my birthday celebration. This would be even more special if I wasn't such a lazy ass who has three day weekends all the time. It was always great to have the last day of school right around my birthday and I even graduated from high school on my 18th birthday. A few years ago, a finished college on my birthday. Yes, May 29th is a kick ass day. Don't believe me? Just ask these other people who share my birthday:

• John Hinckley, Jr.-the guy who tried to kill Ronald Reagan
• Annette Benning- one cool-ass actress lady
• LaToya Jackson- a nobody
• Bob Hope- legendary comedian (Pull out your Ouija board to ask him, because his ass is way dead)
• John F. Kennedy, Jr.- (Ask Bob Hope to ask JFK how he likes his birthday.)
• Melissa Etheridge- lesbian
• Melanie Brown- Spice Girl
• Lisa Welchel- the finest actress of The Facts of Life

May 29th is not just a day that produced amazing people, it also is quite substantial in the history of the world. Did you know that on May 29th in 1990, The Russian parliament elected Boris Yeltsin president of the Russian SFSR? Uh huh. And in 1328 Philip VI was crowned King of France. Big news! And Rhode Island and Wisconsin both became states on this date in 1790 and 1848, respectively. In sad news, this is also the day that we lost international icons Fanny Brice (1951), Harvey Korman (2008) and Dennis Hopper (2010).

But back to happy talk. Today is my birthday. Tonight I will be celebrating at a Mexican restaurant and drinking margaritas until there is the very real possibility that tequila will come out of my nose. In other words, pretty much like any other day of the week for me. On Monday, I am having a huge blowout in Central Park and by "huge" I mean about six people, some chicken salad sandwiches and lemonade spiked with vodka. As you go through your day today, please take a moment to send out good thoughts to me and my special lady, Lisa Welchel.

Have a great day! And thank you for being so awesome.


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Happy Anniversary to TheBitchyWaiter.com

The Bitchy Waiter blog turns one year old today. There have been 109 posts and almost 20,000 visitors. That is a post every 3.34 days which is pretty good when you consider how incredibly lazy and unmotivated I am. I have worked in two different restaurants, catered in many places and bitched about it the whole time. I just wanted to say thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting. And thank you to all the people who took photos that I have so totally stolen for this website. Well, a couple of the photos are mine. And the big pancake painting is actually mine too. So no bitching today. If I could have one thing, it would be to have all the servers of the world gather around me and present me with a stale piece of cake with a dirty candle in it. And then I would want then to all sing a birthday song to me all off key and uncaring and then as soon as they are done, I want them to run away from my table and go to the side stand and say what a douche I am for having waiters sing to me on my birthday.

One year ago today I wrote my first post. I weep with pride. You can click here to see where it all started. Once a bitch, always a bitch.

And what else do I want? I want you to share this blog with your fellow bitchy friends. Just click a link. Is that hard? It's not like I am asking for separate checks or anything.