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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Birthdays, The Facts of Life, Great Tips and Shitty Ones

May 29th is one of the most special and reverent days of all 365 days of the year. It was on this day, a certain number of years ago before cell phones, iPads and the discovery of fire, that my mother pushed out 7 pounds and 11 ounces of bitch and ended up with a curly haired moppet destined for a life of average. Rumor has it, when the doctor slapped my ass after birth, I slapped him right back and then asked him how he'd like his burger cooked. He handed me to a nurse who wrapped me up in an apron and placed me in a bread warmer. She gave me a piece of paper that had my sidework on it and the rest is history.

I get a lot of photos from people who want to share little bits of their jobs with me. I got these two photos on the same day showing how vastly different tips can be from customer to customer. As fellow birthday girl Lisa "Blair Warner" Welchel says, "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have: the facts of life."





Anyway, back to me. May 29th is a great day to be born.  Don't believe me? Just ask these other people who share my birthday:
  • John Hinckley, Jr.-the guy who tried to kill Ronald Reagan
  • Annette Benning- cool lady with an old husband
  • LaToya Jackson- my dream prom date
  • Bob Hope- legendary comedian (Pull out your Ouija board to ask him, because his ass is way dead)
  • John F. Kennedy, Jr.- (Ask Bob Hope to ask JFK how he likes his birthday.)
  • Melissa Etheridge- lesbian
  • Melanie Brown- Spice Girl
As you go through your day today, please take a moment to send out good thoughts to me and my special lady, Lisa Welchel. If you want to give me something for my birthday,  you already have just by reading this. And if you want to give me something else, just share this blog post by clicking "Like."

Thank you for being so awesome.



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17 comments:

Brandon Carver said...

You're always good for a laugh, thanks!

That second picture, while to me suggesting the server needing some makeup tips (or so thought the stingy patron), brings up something I've never understood as a server...

Why in the hell do people tip with change to make a whole dollar amount? People do this in restaurants and at the gas station, like that little bit of math makes your entire checking account in to clean whole numbers...

It's annoying and pointless.

Brandon Carver said...

I just noticed that both tippers did that. lol.

Brandon Carver said...

I guess I could wish you a happy birthday, too!

Sorry for blowing up your comments!

Lolamouse said...

A happy and healthy birthday to my favorite waiter, actor, and soon to be famous author! Love ya!

Shannon said...

Happy Birthday!!! to a very talented and funny writer who makes me laugh on a daily :)

JoBo said...

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Bitchy... Happy Birthday to you!! (Sung very loud & off key, but with great feeling) I hope you have an bitchin birthday!

P.S. Have you seen Men In Black 3 yet? If not, you must go soon! There is something that happens in the last 2 minutes of the movie that I SWEAR you had to have written! You probably didn't but it will give you a great topic for a future blog post!
Love,
JoBo

Jill said...

"..placed me in a bread warmer.." I laughed so hard. Thx!

www.DiatribesAndOvations.com said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

drivethruguy said...

Hey, what's up Bitchy Waiter? you have a kick ass blog. You're genuinely entertaining and as a result, I have made you one of my food stories nominees for excellence in storytelling. You can see my post and the details at the address below.

http://lifeinthedrivethru.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/food-stories-nominee-for-excellence-in-storytelling/

-DriveThruGuy

Confessions from the Hairdresser said...

I forgot to tell you happy birthday... ...I do remember your birthday because it's so close to mine so it's easy... ...but I forgot like an idiot...

So happy birthday!!

Practical Parsimony said...

Happy Birthday!LOL...wrapped me in an apron...placed me in a bread warmer...

Mary A. said...

Happy Birthday!

Lisa Welchel is so awesome -- not only is she an 80's icon, but she is now a Christian SAHM scrapbooker who probably never says fuck. She says nookie, I think.

Muah

California Girl said...

Happy Birthday Bitchy!

Frank Giannantonio said...

Cheers! Happy birthday, bitch. You have class and style, bro. I Couldn't stop laughing at the day you were born bit. Once you said you would be taking your writing to the next level with your book. That's gonna be a Hell of a book. Will you sign mine? Good luck. Hope your birthday was killer.

Frank

NellieVaughn said...

Happy birthday! I hope you got tons of presents and at least one great cake.

Myr said...

Happy Birthday, Bitchy Waiter!! I hope your hostesses let all your customers know it was your birthday (mine did for me this year), and I hope you made bank!! :-)

Mags said...

Most humans are annoying and pointless lol. I only mind when they round down and I don't get 20%