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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Enough With the Fake Jesus Money

Someone sent me an email complaining about the fake money they got last week and I am reposting this blog. You know the fake money I am talking about? The kind that says "Your best tip is to let Jesus into your heart."

This has been discussed before, but can we talk about it again please? Servers want tips. We want cash money tips that we can put in our pockets and then carry to the bank to deposit so we can pay our bills. Am I right or am I right? What we do not want is any thing else. You don't need to tell me how fabulous I was to your kids (that never happens) or how friendly I was (again, that never happens) and you don't need to tell me how great my hair is (happens all the time.) What we really really so completely do not ever want is that tip that looks like a ten dollar bill and then when we pick it up we see that is some message from your church saying how our soul is worth more than a 15% tip. Bullshit. I have met Jesus and I know for a fact that He does not approve.

There was a story floating around on the Internet a few weeks ago about this and I am finally jumping on the bandwagon to also announce how wrong it is. Hey, Jesus people: stop it. How would you feel if the next time I was at church I tried something like that with the collection plate? (I will be at church as soon as they install an all-you-can-eat taco bar and a frozen margarita machine). Maybe when the collection plate came my way, I could drop in some Canadian coins and an expired Groupon. Or maybe I could slip it a homemade coupon promising Jesus a 15-minute back massage. Or how about if I drop in a handful of ticket dupes from the bar printer? All of those things have as much financial value as that stupid-ass Jesus money you have been pawning off onto servers for twenty years. It's wrong and unfair. And we all know that they know it's crappy because they always do it when we aren't looking and then they skidaddle their ass out of there before we see it. If they are so sure it's a good idea, then why don't they just tell us to our face how valuable our souls are?

I am pretty certain that when they show up at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter is going to have words with them about their behavior. You see, Saint Peter wasn't always a saint. He used to wait tables with me at Pizzeria Uno at South Street Seaport so he knows how important tips are. When we worked together, we just called him Peter and he was hilarious. He was there when we accidentally served a Muslim family an appetizer with bacon and he was laughing the loudest. I guess he wasn't too worried about because he was friends with Jesus and knew that Christianity was the only religion that mattered so whatever with the bacon-eating Muslims. Anyhoo, if you are one of those people who have left the fake money for a tip, be prepared to 'fess up when you get to Heaven. There is a special place reserved for you up there and it's called the dishroom of the Heavenly Cafeteria. It's open twenty-four hours a day and the dirty dishes are non-stop. It won't be fun but it won't be as bad as Hell. The dishroom in Heaven is air conditioned and you get a fifteen minute break every four hours where you get to eat all the Ambrosia salad you want. You'll love it.

Just to make it clear: servers do not want tips that only look like money. If you leave that Jesus money, your server will curse you and be on the lookout for you to return to their station at which time your food will take longer to get to you and your water glasses will remain unfilled. We hate that kind of tip. We want cash. What would Jesus do? He'd leave 20%, that's what He'd do. Think about it.

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Cat M said...

What is truly disturbing it that these religious types leave this money in such a manner that is deceitful. How much of a christian (or whatever) can one be when they are so obviously deceitful and of course cheap-asses?

Practical Parsimony said...

Deceitful people stiff you in order to spread the word? How much will a person want to associate with Christianity after shenanigans like that? NONE

Have they never heard of the concept of "keeping body and soul together"? You work so you wont starve to death of freeze to death! If they really care for your soul, they should care for your body.

It's too bad we cannot get these jesus following imposters for passing counterfeit money

Religious types/religious pedophiles/religious cheats always say what they are doing in going to be for your benefit and they have the right to inflict themselves into your space because they are Christians. Ha! Yes, they have to right to do as they please because Jesus is on their side.

Myr said...

I have received Jesus literature along with a real cash money tip, but I had no idea people would leave Fake Jesus Money as their only gratuity. That's crazy. I would not appreciate that.

Abra said...

Oh, my dear, you are wrong in one thing: I have been proselytized to while on the job. It's always the fuckers that run your ass off, then when you get back and FINALLY they've run out of dinky little errands to send you on, well now, little lady, just stand there fidgeting for 5 minutes while I tell you about TEH LAWD. Other tables? You have other tables? sigh ...there went all my other tips.

And then, fuck the Jesus money, they leave, I shit you not, this happened to me, $1.83 on a $146.00 tab.

Blessed be, a fellow server belonged to that church. She took the next Sunday off, attended, and delivered her OWN sermon. Never saw any of those fuckers again.

Anonymous said...

If a person has enough money to go out to eat and pay the price for a dinner then he or she better have enough money to tip well. It is part of your total bill.

Anonymous said...

I'm christian. I believe that the best way for a christian to bless people especially hard working servers is to be caring and practical. It seems more practical to show your caring in a way that benefits the server in a practical way. They are at work trying to make money to pay bills , feed kid and clothe children so MONEY would seem the most practical I can think of. The tracs are ok we share what we care about. I've had my share of politically correct and opinionated servers in my day and as long as the service is good, I smiled and acknowledged their right to a point of view. But we pay taxes much more than 15% we expect great service and many times we get it. When we do, we really should reward our server both verbally and monetarily. If you think you are doing the server or Christianity any favors with cruel trick money you're sadly mistaken. Remember many of these folks are allowed to be paid much less than customary wages because they supposedly receive tips. They are required to claim a certain mount even when they have received less on their tax returns. So give these people a break and be generous especially when the service is good.

Anonymous said...

Oh my, give it a rest and pray for the best. Fake money when expecting real money defeats the purpose of expecting the best from God. However a track that explains what we believe along with some money to provide for your family would be nice. Money is real and the service waiters provide is real. The gift should also be real (not fake). As a Christian I believe Salvation through Jesus is far better than monetary amount.

Anonymous said...

Oh my, give it a rest and pray for the best. Fake money when expecting real money defeats the purpose of expecting the best from God. However a track that explains what we believe along with some money to provide for your family would be nice. Money is real and the service waiters provide is real. The gift should also be real (not fake). As a Christian I believe Salvation through Jesus is far better than monetary amount.

SharleneT said...

What exactly should my tip be when I asked for a Corona and a cold glass and the waiter brought me the beer over the rocks in a 16-oz glass? Left a nice 25% tip because I didn't want to hurt his feelings but shouldn't the bartender have noticed?!?!? Just curious. Come visit when you've stopped laughing.

Martin said...


Anonymous said...

Exactly how many groceries will salvation buy? How about just being a good example? Don't cheat people. Or, does being a christian give you the right to treat people shabbily?

Little Miss Twenty Something said...

That sucks. I hate it when they leave fake money on cars. Way to get a poor college student's hopes up.

Anonymous said...

I've left a note in a collection plate. It read:

God does not want my money.
Yeah, I spoke to him directly.
Turns out, a priest in not needed.

Obviously, I didn't sign my name to it.

Anonymous said...

Dear BW: I thank god you are here doing your schtick and keeping me SANE, otherwise I would cry myself to sleep every night and keep having that nighmare where you just got sat 8 tables in that Freudian section that isn't even yours!
Instead, I can laugh my ass off with you, sleep like a Rock (and NOT take my hatred of every whining, well done filet mignon loving cretin that enters a restaurant posing as some kind of cable TV educated gourmand) to work with me! PS Vegan Bitch: MAYONNAISE DOES NOT contain dairy. Oh, and PSS: I am an atheist, so when I thank god, it's only rhetorical.