Please Help the Needy (I Need Vodka)

The weather out side is frightful, but he fire is so delightful. And since you've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Just kidding. I freakin' hate the cold winter weather here in New York City. The weather sucks, there are too many tourists here, the trains are too crowded and the pressure to find the perfect gift for everyone you ever met in your whole life is far too much stress. Until now, that is! This season, I will be giving friends and family original works of art that I created myself and now you can too. That's right, just by clicking this link, all of your holiday shopping can be easier than adding automatic gratuity to that party of ten teenage girls who shared a plate of nachos with four Diet Cokes and six waters. Yes, this is an ad for my very own Bitchy Waiter necklaces. I have new designs now too. Gummi bear, shrimp and everyone's favorite food group corn dog. And if you don't want a blue gummi bear, then just tell me what color you want? Green? Yes! Yellow? Absolutely! Pink? Gay!

If you have a special request email me and maybe I can create exactly what you want. Just last week, I made a custom Sri Racha hot sauce necklace that came out looking really cool. Have an idea? Email me at sideofmustard@gmail.com.

Okay, I am done. But serioulsy, for every necklace that you buy, a portion of the proceeds goes directly into a fund to provide Citron Vodka for a very needy waiter. Won't you please help? Click here if you care.

Just Say No to Gummi Bears

Anyone who has worked in a restaurant knows what a table tent is. They are the little menus that sit on a table that are more than likely sticky and covered with old crusted food because those little shits never get wiped down. Sure, it's in our sidework to wipe them down every day, but no one ever does it. The table tent will tell you the specials of the day or some other bullshit information. Personally, I like a table that's clutter free. It makes the restaurant look nicer and quite frankly it just means less crap for me to keep clean. When I worked at a diner, every table had a ketchup bottle, creamer, sugar caddie, jellies, table tent and a bowl of butters, not to mention the silverware and napkins. Too much crap. The place I work in now is more of a night club but it too has its own paraphernalia: table tent, candle, bev naps, an email sign up list and pen. It looks crowded.

The other day we had a performer who wanted to add some more shit to the table because I guess there was still a couple of square inches that weren't accounted for yet and she wanted to make sure I had absolutely no place to put down drinks. She added a program for her show, business cards, raffle tickets and Gummi Bears that were poured into old prescription bottles. Yeah, I don't get the significance either. But she didn't just leave the Gummi Bears in the bottles. She also thought it was beneficial to spread them out all over the tables- like people are really gonna eat a piece of candy right off a cocktail table. By the time she was done, it looked like a clown had puked all over the whole damn place. Or maybe Rainbow Brite just got her period. The club seats 120 people so she made sure that every seat had all that crap at it even though there were only reservations for 60 people. That means that she put out 100% more crap than was necessary. I hate overachievers.

After the show, do you think she helped remove all the stuff she had put on the tables? Of course not. And have you ever tried to wipe away hundreds of Gummie Bears off a table? I don't recommend it. They stick. Basically, each and every fucking Gummi Bear had to be picked up individually and it was a huge time suck. With no pay off. Maybe if she had a song called "Gummi Bears on the Tables" or "I Like Making Extra Work For Waiters" it would have made sense. But she didn't. Bitch just stuck Gummi Bears on my tables for no good reason. I was never a fan of the Gummi Bear. And now I really hate them. All in favor of a bare table say "aye." Aye.

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