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Saturday, December 27, 2008

Babies suck


So many mothers have this sense of fucking entitlement like she is the first woman to ever push a baby out of her Sweet Potato Pie Hole. It's been happening for thousands of years, no big whoop. I cannot write enough about my disdain for children in my station. I don't want them in my personal life so why the fuck would I want one at work? But people bring their babies in and then they think it's my responsibility to make sure the music is not too loud. Or they have the nerve to ask me to heat up their baby food. Why would they think I have time for that? It's not my baby. I am supposed to ignore my other tables and then bother the kitchen staff to heat up a bottle of milk? I'd rather you just breastfeed if it means I don't have to do anything. Not that I want to get a close up view of your areola when I refill your Diet Coke. These are the same people who bring babies to an R rated movie and think it's okay for everyone else to listen to it for two hours. No one cares about your baby except the people who know your baby (and some of them only act like they give a shit.) No one in the restaurant wants to step around your giant stroller or listen to it cry or watch you whip out your tit so it has an appetizer. Leave them at home with a sitter. Or just leave it alone while you come out to eat. I am sure it will be fine, whatever. Just leave a post-it note on it's head with your cell phone number so if there is a problem the police will know how to reach you. You could always take it to Chuck E. Cheese where they live for that shit. The people who work there love it when they have a room full of screaming babies. Or better yet, order in. We have take out menus. Just don't sit in my station.
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11 comments:

Jennifer Nyp said...

Wow. If I wasn't exactly like you about babies before I had one I'd think you were a pretty nasty person. However, if you do ever produce a baby of your own you'll see that you cannot always get or afford a babysitter and ordering in every night is boring. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean my life has to stop. I live in the city so I can walk to my favorite restaurant and have dinner. I do understand not wanting to heat up a bottle-it's not your job, but your job is to make sure the people at your table feel welcome. I sure hope we don't end up in your station!

Anthony said...

I love this post. So good!

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, pull your head out of your ass. "Just because I have a baby doesn't mean my life has to stop." YOUR life has changed, and that means YOU get to deal with it. Don't expect people like TBW to be ecstatic when you tote your screaming loaf into a nice restaurant or you leave a huge mess for him to clean up. You are the parent, and if your kid can't behave properly, wait until he/she can, like when they are 19 or something.

Anonymous said...

Great post! LOL!

Anonymous said...

Jennifer Nyp is an example of the first-time bitch-cunt momma to the extreme. eVERYONE ELSE'S LIFE HAS TO STOP BECAUSE SHE SHAT OUT A KID. I bet if a toddler went to her ZenGirl fitness studio and took a dump on the bamboo floor she'd have a fit, though.

We love you, BitchyWaiter!

Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Nyp,

A lot more servers than this one feel the exact same way about you mommies and all of your messes and special requests of the kitchen. I hope you get seated in all of their sections. P.S. Your life has changed. Deal with it, don't force others to.

Anonymous said...

Babys are a blessing from God! You on the other hand an evil man and if Satan had a son it would be you! You once were a child and I bet you was a horrible child. I am praying now for every child that comes into your path. I also pray you loose your job and that you never get another job... And if you get another job that it is a job that makes you just as miserable as you make those around you..

Anonymous said...

Babys are a blessing from God! You on the other hand an evil man and if Satan had a son it would be you! You once were a child and I bet you was a horrible child. I am praying now for every child that comes into your path. I also pray you loose your job and that you never get another job... And if you get another job that it is a job that makes you just as miserable as you make those around you..

Anonymous said...

Babies are a blessing from God? Are you speaking about "human" babies or any other animal who pro-creates? PLEASE... Let me make it clear to you. You open up your legs, get knocked up, and out pops a kid. I feel for servers who have to put up with the crap.

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