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Friday, December 26, 2008

Do waiters really spit in food?

Yes, Virginia, waiters really do spit in food. But you have to be a really bad little girl to have that happen to you, so most people are okay. I have been slinging hash for about 15 sad bitter years and I have seen it happen. I am not saying that I have ever done such a disgusting thing to a table because that is a little bit too far even for me-oh who the fuck am I kidding? I have done it twice. Once to this prick in Texas who I heard call me a fag to his buddies at the table so he got a big helpin' heapin' dose of Bitchy Waiter Spit in his free refill of Lemonade. I will reserve the other time I did it for another post. Sadly, spitting is not the worst thing I have seen. I worked at this restaurant once where that kind of thing happened a lot. If you ever ate at the Houlihan's in Times Square during the mid-90's I apologize. There was this waitress there who was dealing with the typical ignorant tourist fucks who are dumb enough to eat at tourist trap like Houlihan's. She was taking an order at a really loud obnoxious table and they were not listening to her. They were too excited about going to see Grease or Cats or some other stupid ass Broadway show that only tourists went to. She could not get their attention so someone at the table offered their assistance. He yelled out to his friends, "Hey let this girl do her job since it's probably the only thing she'll ever be good at!" I dunno why someone would say that about someone right before their food would be handled by that same someone, but he did. And he paid. When it came time for the food to come out, we all congregated in the kitchen to see what she was going to do. I will never forget it. First off, she took their plate of ribs and placed it on the floor. Then she stepped on it. Uh huh. They ate her dirty ass shoe germs. The guy with the burger got some very special fries. She took a handful of them and rubbed them all over the wall of the kitchen before putting them back on the plate and that wall was fucking disgusting. This was Times Square Houlihan's people, where we didn't clean and the rats got more shifts than we did. For their soup, someone else had a brilliant idea. They took the soup spoon and licked all over it and then put it on the plate. The waitress who licked all over it was really sick and didn't want to be there so she was in a shitty mood anyway and this was a good "fuck you" to the table and to our manager who made her come in to work. The last diner just got a good fashioned loogie stirred into her Oriental Stir Fry and she served it with a smile. That was good times, people. Good times. You wanna be nice to your server. If you want to be mean, do it after you eat. Never before. Unless you are stupid, in which case be prepared. Farting at your table is not the worst thing that can happen.


Tempy said...

I LOVE this.

This is Katharine, BTW...

watchyalookinat said...

and that inspired waitress was (and still is) my sister

Anonymous said...

So to be clear about the second story: some people came to a restaurant and were talking. One of them made a particularly rude comment, so *all* of them got their food smeared with dirt and gross bodily fluids?

I don't really get it. Everyone gets treated like shit in their jobs sometimes, and nobody should have endure that in their job. Yet, we have to deal with it in a responsible and professional manner. Having worked in customer service roles for some years, it would be unthinkable for anyone outside of a catering environment to get revenge in a similar manner - you just cope and give your customers / clients service as best you can!

I'm not excusing the outrages that some people put waitering staff (and other staff) through, but spitting in someone's food and smearing it across wall you know to be covered with dirt and s**t is just out of line, and can't be justified.

Anonymous said...

You should be put in jail for something like this!!!!!!! And then for the rest of your poor pitiful life u should have to eat food with spit, hair, and any other disgusting thing done to it. May you and every other sick person who done this to others rot in hell!!!!!!!