Thursday, September 3, 2009
Rooty Tooty Fresh and Bitchy
I can't stand people who order cocktails and ask for a little extra liquor. And then when I give it to them, they act all surprised that I charged them for it. Sorry, drunky, but you gotta pay to play. Why do people think extra shots are free? Would they ask for a burger but say "can you just thrown onan extra patty for me?" No, they wouldn't. Well some would, but they are douchebags. Most of the time, a cocktail is measured and in some states it is illegal to give more than the maximum amount in one drink. Obviously these alcoholics need to drink at home or go to those lame ass places that don't have a liquor license and they can just BYOB. Then they can drink themselves into an alcoholic stupor and get a taste of alcohol poisoning (which is not as fun as it sounds. Trust.)
Picture it: Houlihans's Times Square. We would get tons of idiots who wanted to have a fancy drink before seeing Cats or Phantom of the Oprah. They look at the menu with dumb ass names of the cocktails. Someone actually got paid to come up with these names? "Oooh, can I have a Bahama Mama? No, wait make that a Jamaica Me Crazy. No wait can you make a Lemon Drop shot? Wait, maybe a Blue Indigo Go Go...I dunno! What's good?" I smile and say, "they are all equally delicious" as I think, "they are all equally overpriced." So they finally decide on some stupid ass drink like the Very Very Banana Berry and say "but make sure there is plenty of liquor in it." Fine. I go to the bartender who was mean, bitchy, crazy, a habitual liar and I hated her (if you're reading this, Hi Vivian!) and say how important it is for this very special guest to have extra liquor in their drink. So she makes it a virgin. But then we took the straw and poured the liquor directly into it so that the first sip they would have would be pure alcohol. And then it would be gone. It worked every time. I got such joy at watching them take that first swig and be shocked by the alcohol content but not wanting to complain because they knew they asked for it. Their eyes would roll and their moths would pucker and I would say, "is everything okay?" And they would squeak out "yum, delicious, thank you." Off I go knowing that the rest of their drink was nothing but "fresh" fruit that came from a bottle of syrupy gunk, ice and artificial flavorings. Have fun at Les Miserables...