Rainbow Overload

After reading all the titles of the unwritten autobiographies of Bitchy Waiter readers, I chose the one that I thought would make the most interesting post. Behold. I give to you Rainbow Overload, suggested by Keith:


Bam Bam McCunningham plopped himself on his bed after a twelve hour shift at the go-go bar. As he slid his size 7 pumps off his size 9 feet a good two or three ounces of glitter fell out of each shoe. He pulled his pantyhose off and noticed a small run in the left leg. "Occupational hazard," he muttered. Bam Bam served drinks in the raucous and raunchy gay bar in Western Queens called Otis' Place. Of course no one called it Otis' Place because it didn't roll off the tongue like it should. Everyone called it Opies. Bam Bam didn't like being a cocktail server but it was only until he got his big break as a writer. Every week he submitted a story somewhere and every week he got a rejection letter from someplace else. In the meantime he served drinks at Opies. In drag. When his vintage pink princess phone rang, his first inclination was to ignore it, but he thought that anyone calling this late must have something very urgent to discuss. "Hello?" After a few seconds of silence, the other end of the phone erupted in sobs that he immediately recognized as coming from his BFF from second grade, Lisa. It turns out she was just dumped by her boyfriend who realized he was gay. It was the fourth boy in a row she had dated who came out of the closet. In fact Lisa and Bam Bam had been a couple all through high school so she had quite the history of falling in love with the wrong man. But now he was her closest confidant. Most people referred to Lisa as Bam Bam's Fag Hag, but she preferred the title of Fruit Fly. He consoled her for two hours and promised to meet her for a champagne brunch the next morning followed by a day of shopping and then a mani/pedi. When he hung up the phone he was exhausted. He decided to leave the makeup on and go right to sleep but his Yorkshire terrier Bruce had other ideas. Bruce jumped into his lap holding his pink leash in his mouth and yelped at him asking to be taken for a walk. Bam Bam couldn't resist the cute face and knew that avoiding the walk would only make for a messy morning when Bruce decided to relieve himself on the new rug Bam Bam had just purchased from Crate and Barrel. Five minutes later, Bam Bam and Bruce were walking outside in the cool early morning spring air. With his dog at his side and the sound of Judy Garland pulsing through his iPod, Bam Bam found himself reinvigorated and not ready for sleep at all anymore. Once he returned home, he decided to put on his writing hat and get to work on his next piece. With his cute Jackie O. pillbox sitting jauntily on his head and Elaine Stritch playing in the background, he took a sip of his Cosmopolitan and began writing his one man play about coming out of the closet in a small Southern town.