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Thursday, May 27, 2010

What Do You Want to Drink?

Maybe I have said this before, but it bears repeating. I cannot stand when I ask someone what they want to drink and they respond with some dumb ass response like "what do you have?" It makes me want to grab their nipples, twist them off and use them as a garnish on their Cosmopolitan. Seriously? What do we have? We are a bar. We have what all bars have. There's a pretty good chance we'll have what you want unless you're asking for the milk of the aloe vera plant, a glass of water from the Fountain of Youth, or Tang. And then they look at me like they think I'm really going to recite a laundry list of every possible beverage. I would think that most people have a pretty good idea of what they want to drink. Don't we all have our usual suspects? A Coke, a gimlet, a water. But maybe this asswipe was new to our planet and really wasn't sure what we offered. Perhaps I should have been more patient with our inter-planetary friend but I was not in the mood. I responded with "the usual things that a bar has to drink, so I'll let you think it over and come back later." I don't have time for that shit. If he really needs help, there is thing we have in the club that is made for that purpose. It's called a menu. Look at it. Choose something. I will bring it.

So let's review. If you have a question about a beverage, make it a good one. Like "what reds do you have by the glass?" or "do you have any non-alcoholic beer?" or "if I have six margaritas, you're not gonna to cut me off, are you?" (Okay that last question might be just for me when I go to Margarita Mondays.) Just don't ask some broad-based stupid ass question like "what do you have?" It will piss me off. And pissing off your server right before he hands you your Coors Light is not a good idea.

26 comments:

Some Chick said...

Also hate when asking what someone wants to drink and they ask what's good? Well, today the fish is very good...why don't you have that in your martini.

Martin said...

Know what? I think most of these folks are culturally unsophisticated, and thus, uncomfortable. They really don't know what a bar stocks. They might order a "Kare-a-fey" of wine. My boss did that once. I had another colleague once who complemented our British host on the "Clar-ray" he served us with the meat.

So if your an ethnic restaurant, suggest something. "A Margarita would be good," for instance. If your not an ethic restaurant, then
ask--"Are you looking for something alcoholic? Sweet, sour? What do you usually drink?"

The idea is that your job is to make them feel at home, after all.

Meghan Lynn Allen said...

Every day I say we take Master Card, Visa, and Discover. Then they say, "You don't take American Express?"


No dumbass.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you're happy with the name of your blog, "The Bitchy Waiter"? Might you not prefer "The Cunty Waiter"? Or "Uncensored Asshole"?

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Thanks, Anon, but I am good with the Bitchy Waiter. Are you good with Anonymous? Maybe you would prefer douchebag or prick ball?

Anonymous said...

I have nothing to hide. I am not being gratuitously, self-absorbedly, maliciously, grandiosely self-entitled and mean. You are. You need the negative attention. If it were face-to-face, I would not be anonymous. I promise to introduce myself and to leave if ever I should have the misfortune to meet you. I am anonymous here only because I do not need your S.P.A.M., nor Google's.t

The Bitchy Waiter said...

The Bitchy Waiter is a character.
Heightened reality.

Anonymous said...

Venting is one thing. Perpetuating antisocial behavior is quite another.

The Bitchy Waiter said...

And scene.

Anonymous said...

If one must say "scene" to make it clear the performance has ended...

Margaret said...

Oh for crying out loud Anon, go and get yourself a life. If you don't like the blog don't read it.

Bitchy, I used to get that "whadda yew hayave" crap all of the time bar tending on Saturday nights on the outskirts of Houston. They would generally get a pina colada and leave nothing. We had to hand mix those damned things and, to me, they smelled awful!

witchybaiter said...

The sexual tension between Bitchy Waiter and Anonymous is palpable. Why don't you two kids go get a room before it gets so hot in here that we all have to leave?

Anonymous said...

you are a waiter, no one cares about your opinion

dirtydisher said...

Anon, YOU are the people he writes about. YOU are the people we want to see spontaneously combust and when you're buring in the flames and ask for water, we will say, gee, what kind do you want? Bottled, tap, spring, lukewarm, lemon or fizzy? And we will smile sweetly.

Anonymous said...

You know, it is your job to serve people. Which includes making recommendations.

The Bitchy Waiter said...

What is with all the Anon comments of people hating on me? How rude. And I know rude.

Anonymous said...

I was at a restaurant the other nite...food was horrible...cold...but after everything I read and hear about what can be done with my food once out of sight.....I don't complain.
I still tip because it isn't the waiter's fault. But I definitely don't go back.
I am reading your blog to find out what pisses waiters off...and will avoid that...but I sure as hell will never complain about awful food.

Donda said...

For F#$ks sake! That was some funny stuff right there! I'm gonna have to go ahead and place my order for that youth water....thanks uuuuhlot :)

Donda said...

WOW! I have to add...I just read all of the comments and somebody got some bad fromunda cheese on his burger!

Anonymous said...

I recently got out of the biz, thank God...Have to share this, no comments necessary...3 older guys - late 50's at my table, usual motions,hello,intro,what can I get you to drink?

Kicker...from asshole #2...
I would like...a JW Black neat in a rocks glass, 2 red wine glasses, 1 with luke warm water, 1 with ice cubes and a teaspoon,a glass of soda water with 2 wedges of lemon and an espresso and an empty rocks glass...my question,when,where and how did this asswipe figure out that that's the way way he wants his JW Black???

Cer3bro said...

So is it ok to ask what your house drink is? or your best mixed fruity drink..

Diane said...

Dear Anon,
I am of the opinion that you should go stuff yourself. Obviously you are lashing out because of your inablility to "get some" but please, don't take your sexual frustration out on the poor waiter. You might find a fly in your soup the next time you go to a restaurant. Word travels fast in "the biz" as you call it.

zeebee said...

I gotta say - bar in England, I know what I'm drinking. Go over to America? I don't know the different brands. So when I'm over there, I'm gonna ask what there is to drink ... sometimes it's a translation thing.

But I know how irritating it can be. I work in fast food and my favourite question is 'what burgers do you have?' ... the ones on the menu boards directly over my head, maybe?

Karen said...

Hi!!! I just stumbled over to your blog while drinking and surfing and laughed my ass off!!

As someone that bartended for 25+ years...you so have it nailed!!

I am now stalking your blog so I can remember all of those years I did this shit!

BTW...I have a beer....whatever you have!

P.S. When people pulled that crap on me...the got a PBR or Strohs!!

SK88RZ said...

Out of all the blogs on the internet - Anon has to come to this one with his/her stinky cheese.

If ya don't like what's on this blog then go somewhere else..

If you've ever been a server - then you would enjoy the realism to this blog.

Duh.

Oh and sometimes I ask "what do you have" but then I follow it with coke or pepsi! lol

Maho's Melody said...

Hic! ...I'm late to the Bitchy vs Anon fight but...hic! ... after intense investigation, I've come to the con...hic! ..clucsion that they both are one and the same person. Hic!

damn! ...I think I had one beer too many. Hey! Watson...get me another bottle!!!