Home Sweet Bitchy Home

That noise you hear off in the distance is the sound of my apron having the crud scraped off of it because tomorrow at this time I will tie that bitch around my waist and start waiting tables again. Hopefully, I will not accidentally tie it around my neck instead. After ten days off so I could go on obli-cation to see family in Texas, tomorrow I go back to work. I want to say thank you to all the guest bloggers who filled in for me while I was off having my way with bar-b-q, fried foods and humidity. They were all great. And thank you for still coming to the blog even though I was in a gravy-induced coma.

While in Texas, I was the customer on several occasions and not once did I mention to any of my servers that they should come visit my blog. Maybe it was because I was taking a break from being The Bitchy Waiter or maybe it was because I was too drunk to remember to give out my business cards or maybe it was because I don't even have any to give out.

Regardless, I had some great food and service in Texas. Thanks to our waiter at Haven in Houston who was on the ball with drinks and food and even hopped into the conversation when he heard us discussing Angela Lansbury. (Don't judge. I sometimes discuss Angela Lansbury over dinner.)

A shout out to our waitress at Texican Cafe (the one in Manchaca!) who was super cool when she saw my whole family strolling into her station. Yes, I was part of a ten-top with three kids and she never batted an eyelash. She rocked it and got everything exactly right.

Thank you to the food truck on SoCo in Austin that gave me a Mexican Coke and the best damn falafel I have had in a really long time. And also thanks to that shaved ice food truck that hooked me up with a wonderful watermelon flavored cup of deliciousness.

To the lady who served me chicken fried steak at Luby's cafeteria on Waugh in Houston: nice hair net. And to the server at Luby's: not sure why I was tipping you. I got my own food, carried it to the table, got my own straw and napkins. Thanks for the to-go box I guess?

To the counter guy at Whataburger in Giddings, Texas: way to work that cash register, dude. And thanks to the guy who brought our food to us after we sat down. To everyone else eating at Whataburger, I hope you only eat there once every three or four years like I do, because all y'all were really really fat. I mean the medium Coke was 32 ounces. C'mon!

A hearty thank you to our server at The Gristmill River Restaurant in Gruene, Texas. I am sorry that my 7 year old nephew had a min breakdown after he dropped his menu off the side of the patio sending it towards the Guadalupe River. And to the people who were smoking at the next table to us, thanks for moving when we asked you to. (Hey, Texas, wake up and smell the cigarette smoke. Get rid of the smoking sections already.)

I also want to say thank you to all the Bitchy Waiter readers who invited me to their restaurant. I wish I could have come to see all of you so you could give me free shit and I could leave you 50% tips, but next time.

I am back in New York City and ready to start bitching and writing again. Bring on the bitch!




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Dr. Phil Jack-o-Lantern

The air is crisp and cool, the leaves are turning brown and all the patio furniture is getting dragged down to the basement meaning only one thing: fall is here. A lot of people love the arrival of autumn because they get to wear their favorite sweaters and make soups and stews again but for me fall just means that old man winter is right around the corner. The only old man I detest more than winter is the one who used to come into the Black Eyed Pea and do word searches all day while nursing a cup of coffee and making poopy bubbles in his old man drawers. One good thing about this season is the chance to put on a costume for Halloween. After that, it's five to six months of putting on long underwear, gloves, coats and scarves every time you step foot outside your house.

Someone recently sent me a link on how to make a jack-o-lantern with the face of Dr. Phil and seeing that I am super amazing best friends with Dr. Phil, of course I totally plan on doing this. Would his face be my first choice to carve into a pumpkin? No, it would probably be Carol or Marcia Brady, Flo or Benjamin Franklin but since I am so close to Dr. Phil, it is his face I shall use. Wait, maybe I can use Linda Lavin or Shirley from What's Happening. Or perhaps Angela Lansbury or one of the Golden Girls. Or maybe it doesn't have to be a face. It could be words of advice, like a fortune pumpkin: Man who tips big gets big reward. Man who tips little gets written about on a blog. Yes, that is what my pumpkin will be and I will carry it around with me at work. Oh, but it would be too heavy and throw the balance off my tray. Hmm, better go back to the face of Dr. Phil. After all, I owe it to Dr. Phil for giving me a national platform to speak my mind, so Dr. Phil it shall be! But wait, I want something scary on my pumpkin and Dr. Phil may be intimidating, but he's not scary. What face can I use that will be both scary and representational of Dr. Phil? I got it! Processed Chicken Lady:


Naahh, not her. I know she doesn't like processed chicken, but she may have an aversion to gourds as well and I certainly wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable. I'll use Dr. Phil's face but I will put it in front of speaker with scary sound effects and him saying "How's that workin' out for ya?" on a loop. Now that would be scary. So today after work, I will go to the store and buy a pumpkin and all my supplies and then come home and download all the instructions. I will do this right after I make myself a pumpkin martini. How do you make a pumpkin martini? Hmm, I probably need pumpkin vodka, but I already have regular, Citron and Blueberry so maybe I will just make a cocktail with one of those instead. Yeah, that'll be easier. I need easy. In fact, the very thought of carving a pumpkin to look like Dr. Phil seems to be way above my comfort level when it comes to cutting with a big sharp knife. Maybe I will just buy one of those little baby pumpkins and draw on it with a Sharpie. Then I can focus my attention on the important things; my cocktails. So yeah. That's what I'll do tonight. I will draw a face on a baby pumpkin with a Sharpie and drink cocktails until I feel like this:

Click here to learn all about the Dr. Phil jack-o-lantern! Tonight is my first night back to waiting tables after three blessed weeks without wearing an apron. Wish me luck. And please "like" this so the world can know about this amazing idea of the Dr. Phil Pumpkin Face.



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Betty, Please, There's a New Girl in Town!

Today is October 15th. Or at least it is as I start typing at 11:45 PM on Saturday night. By the time I finish typing, it will be tomorrow but right now I am speaking of October 15th. It is the birthday of two very different women who have influenced me my whole life and nurtured me to be the kind, caring soul that I am today. One of these fine ladies gave me my sense of humor which some say is dry while others say is witty while still others say is completely non-existent. (I'm looking at you, Anonymous.) The other women gave me sense of drive and passion to put on an apron several times a week along with some sensible shoes and sling hash to make a living. Today is the birthday of both Penny Marshall and Linda Lavin, or as I know them, Laverne DeFazio and Alice Hyatt:



How is it that one simple day can produce two such iconic women of television? They weren't born in the same year, but still. The only way this day could have been any grander was if it was the birthday of Florence Henderson, but her birthday is February 14 making her not only my Valentine, but everyone else's too. Anyhoo, Penny Marshall used to make me laugh out loud on Tuesday nights when I would watch Laverne and Shirley with my two brothers. My favorite moment on the show was when the girls were were working in a diner. I don't rememeber why but it must have been because of a strike at the Shotz Brewery or something. Laverne was the fry cook and Shirley was the waitress. Anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant can watch this scene and recognize how quickly you can go from being in the zone to being in the weeds. Happy birthday, Penny Marshall:




And then we have Linda Lavin who the world knows as Alice. It's no secret that I have a major hankering for her co-waitress Flo, but let's give Alice some love. There she was stuck in Phoenix, Arizona because her station wagon broke down on the freeway on her way to Hollywood to become a star. But instead of getting her car repaired and continuing onward with her dream, she got a job as a waitress at Mel's Diner and stayed for nine years. Isn't that how it happens to so many of us who spend years and years with a tray in our hands? We're all, "I'm an actor who waits tables" or "I'm a writer who waits tables" and before you know it life is looking at you saying, 'Uh, you're a waiter, dude and I want my burger cooked medium-well." Bravo to Alice for showing us all what it's like to give up on your dream of singing and learn to accept the important things in life: your teen-age son, your friends, your job, and that stupid postman named Henry who always complains that Mel's cooking is so bad but comes in every goddamn day anyway. Happy birthday, Linda Lavin:


I know that by the time you read this, it will be October 16th and it will now be the birthday of other amazing women like Suzanne Somers and Angela Lansbury. Yes, it is true, both of these grand dames were born on October 16th. Is October like the coolest month for birthdays ever, or what? Happy birthday to Suzanne here and to Angela here. I must rest. All the awesomeness of these cool ladies is too much for my weary fingers tips.



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Movin' On Up

Oh, the celebrities that I come into contact with while working in New York City. It is truly amazing. The opportunities to serve the rich and famous are endless here. Just a few weeks ago I was in the presence of Joan Rivers while working at a trade show. Coincidentally, it was about the third or fourth time I have bumped into her over the years. She has more of a presence in my life than some of my family members. I was in an elevator with her once and during the ride up she entertained us all by describing all the things she could do with her decorator to that ten by ten foot space. You know I have waited on Katy Perry (shh, don't tell the job or I might get fired) and have come into contact with Angela Lansbury. I once served the old man who played Palmer Courtland on All My Children and one time Connie Chung bumped into me as I tried to pass her with a tray of appetizers. This week, I had yet another brush with greatness. A true television icon came into my life and although he did not sit in my station, I did say hello to him. This man has done film, television, Broadway and concerts. His mere presence made my knees quake and my stomach flutter. Ladies and gentleman, I give to you Damon Evans:

Okay, what? You don't know who Damon Evans is? He starred in The Jeffersons as George and Louise's son, Lionel. He actually replaced another actor who played Lionel first and then the first Lionel came back and booted Damon Evans off the show again. It was sorta the way Roseanne had two different Becky's, remember? Damon Evans was the more snobby version of Lionel like Sarah Chalke was the more pretty version of Becky. Anyhoo, Mr. Evans came into the club and I was hoping he would sit in my station so I could ask him if that guy who played Ralph the Doorman was as fucking irritating as he seemed to be. I had other questions for him too:

1. Why did Mr. Bentley act like he was such a ladies man when he seemed so freakin' gay?
2. Whatever happened to Mother Jefferson? I guess she died, but couldn't they have given her a "very special episode" or some shit like that?
3. I know you loved your wife Jenny and her parents were an inter-racial couple, but wasn't her father a total goober? And what did Helen ever see in Tom Willis anyway?
4. I loved the theme song that was sung by Ja'net Dubois (Willona from Good Times) and can you get me an mp3 of that for free?
5. Y'all were nominated for Emmy awards all the time and never won. Did that suck?
   
6. Was Marla Gibbs as funny as she seemed when she played Florence?
7. Did you ever want to kick the ass of the first Lionel after he came back and took your cushy sweet television sitcom gig?
8. Did you know that whenever I go bowling I put Isabel Sanford as my name in the computer? I'm funny.
   
9. What would you like to drink?

Alas, he did not sit in my station. I could only admire him from afar and send out positive vibes from my side of the room. Damon Evans, if you ever read this, I totally would have been honored to get your drink for you. Next time you come in, just ask to sit in the station of The Bitchy Waiter. Tell the host. He'll know who I am.

(For all of you who have no idea what the fuck The Jeffersons is, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Go to Netflix right now and educate yourselves.)

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We'll Always be Bosom Buddies

At work the other night a true honest to goodness legend graced my presence and I am completely humbled. As I started to light the candles and get the ice out, my co-worker told me that the original Mrs. Lovett/Mame/Jessica Fletcher/Bedknob and Broomsticker, Angela Lansbury was coming in. Ah, a customer! My immediate response was to get some flowers, maybe daisies to brighten up the room. Don't you think some flowers, pretty daisies, might relive the gloom? But then I decided that we would just lower the lights so that the candle wax on the carpet wasn't so easily seen. I simply could not believe that someone of that stature would be breathing the same air as I do. Now ordinarily, I don't give a flip about celebrities (case in point, here), but this lady is kinda amazing. She has been on Broadway fourteen times, has five Tony Awards®, three Oscar nominations, eighteen Emmy nominations and six Golden Globes. Not everyone can claim that. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, that is some major shit. As we got ready for the shift, we couldn't help but wonder which station she would be in. We were both a little scared, neither one prepared, but we were going to do our best to serve this elegant grand dame of a lady. We could pool our resources, by joining forces but it was going to end up that only one if us would get to be her server.

At last the moment arrived. I was standing at table 19 taking the order for six gay guys when they all simultaneously had the wind knocked out of them when Angela floated by on a cloud made of holiness, graciousness and Actor's Equity cards. A hush fell over the crowd as they tried to comprehend what amazingness they were witnessing. I see crowds, I hear yells, there's a parade in town. The room broke out into applause and Ms. Lansbury simply smiled and bowed her head and then gestured to the stage as if to say save it for the performer they came to see. Cool lady, that Angela. She did not sit in my station which was probably for the best. The last time I served a big time Tony Award® winner, my hand shook as I handed the non-alcoholic martini to Joanna Gleason. Besides, I could potentially obsess on Angela and end up telling her "try and you're gonna see how you're gonna not at all get away from me."

After the show was over she was one of the first people out. Wait, what's your rush, what's your hurry? Did she need a stronger hand? Did I give enough, did I give too much? But before I knew it, she was gone. Like a vision. All that was left was her empty Pelligrino bottle. I have it now. At last, my right arm is complete again.




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