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Monday, June 27, 2011

Come and Knock on Our Door

Tuesday, March 15, 1977

Dear Diary,

Tonight was so slow at work. I have got to get a new job. It's bad enough that no one ever comes into the bar, but that uniform they make me wear is ridiculous. The stupid red skirt that's way too short and the puffy sleeves with my tits hanging out? C'mon. And then I have to wear that dumb ass vest and apron and floppy hat? I look like I'm about to go milk Betsy Ross's cow. Oh well, maybe I'll be discovered some day. It is Hollywood after all. Okay, Santa Monica, but it's close enough.

Pretty much the only people who came in tonight were those losers from the apartment complex down the street-those two girls and that guy who all live together. But they all came in at different times and then they sat in three different tables. First, the stupid blond came in with a date. He must have been a doctor because he was wearing his scrubs. Color me unimpressed. He seemed like a total lech who kept trying to make out with her even though she kept saying no. Well, a few minutes later the dark haired roommate showed up. I think she works at that broke down flower shop up the street that always only has carnations and baby's breath in it. So she showed up, but she was in a trench coat and a hat, like she didn't want anyone to know who she was. Hello? You come in here very night, I recognize you, dumb ass. She sat down at the next booth from Dumb Blond and started spying on them. Whatever. She ordered a water. Wow, thanks for coming in. A few minutes later the guy roommate comes in and he was wearing a trench coat too. He was trying to be all sneaky but the first thing he did when he walked in was bump into that big potted plant we have by the door and he knocked it over. He fell down and rolled halfway across the bar and then jumped up like nothing happened and sat down at a table. What an idiot. He was wearing sunglasses. Uh, maybe that's why you didn't see the big fucking plant, dumb ass. He ordered a water too. What a great night this was turning out to be.

So the two trench coat people just watched their friend have a date. I don't get it. Meanwhile, the doctor/guy-who-bought-scrubs-at-the-mall was getting really fresh with Dumb Blond. I dunno why she didn't just get up and leave, but he ordered her another wine spritzer and tried to get her to drink it really fast.

A few minutes later that old creepy married couple came in. His name is Stanley. I only know that because his wife says it over and over again. I don't know what her name is. I just call her Lady Who Wears Ugly Moo Moos. She ordered a piƱa colada and I had to tell her we don't have them. Again. She orders it every fucking time she comes in. Stanley ordered a beer. They sat at the bar and she was hanging all over him practically begging for some attention. He just ignored her even though it was clear she wanted to get laid. They're gross. She eventually gave up and played darts by herself.

Meanwhile, Dr. McGrabby was taking it too far with Dumb Blond. He was basically humping her in the booth. That's when the two trench-coated losers got up to help their friend. And then they saw each other for the first time. They were all, "What are you doing here?" even though there was nobody fucking else in the whole goddamn bar. They were arguing about how they were each there to protect Dumb Blond (Chrissy, they said) and then they got mad at each other because I guess they had both promised Chrissy they wouldn't watch over her and they had both broken their promise. Honestly, I didn't get it. The next thing I know, Chrissy has dumped a pitcher of water on her date and telling him to get out. So great. Now I get to mop up a pitcher of water. The "doctor" scurried out and then Chrissy saw her roommates. She was all, "What are you doing here?" and that's when I stopped giving a shit. Suddenly, they're all hugging and saying what great friends they are and laughing. I think they're on drugs or something. And then they see the older couple all of a sudden and it turns out they know them too. How they they didn't see then earlier, I'll never know. Again, let me remind you, they were the only people in the bar tonight.

And then they all started to leave together. I had to grab them to pay their bills. Three wine spritzers for Chrissy and one beer for Stanley. The each left me a dollar. Fucking assholes. Working at the Regal Beagle sucks.


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Adam Hawthorne said...

Three wine spritzers and she was still fighting him off?

Mary A. said...

And then they went back to their apartment and under the trench coat the brunette with the Frauline Sally Boles haircut was dressed like Emily Elizabeth and the guy was dressed like Clifford the Big Red Dog and then. . . .

The blonde wrote a diet book.

ghost dump said...

send in the clowns. bombs away

Ghost Dump said...

send in the clowns. bombs away

Anonymous said...

pure magic - thanks for the trip!

Noelle said...

are you sure that's a bar? are you sure don't walk through security chain link and supervise the common room at the nut hut? the wine spritzer and beer were really pill cups? Scrubs really a hospital gown? trench coats robes?

If this is typical might be time to job shop. unless of course it comes with state benefits. :) Yuck..