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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Your Nuts are My Pleasure

You know I work in a totally classy establishment, right? I know it's classy because we have candles on every table and our martinis cost $15 each. We also wear all black uniforms. Class-A, indeed. Last week when a gentleman called me over to his table during the performance, I assumed he needed another glass of our top-notch pinot noir or maybe he wanted an order of our Poisson d'or des Biscottes* that are a steal at $6.50. I leaned in to learn his request and he whispered into my ear something that was decidedly un-classy. "Can you turn down the air conditioning? I'm freezing my nuts off." I was shocked. Shocked, I tell you! How did this older gentleman in a nice suit with his distinguished grey hair feel it was alright to assault my virgin ears with such a horrific expression? Never mind the fact that it was about 90ยบ outside and we needed that air conditioning on. Never mind that we do not use language like that in my work place. Never mind that he was in the company of a lady friend who would have been disgusted by such disturbing vernacular. What I found most shocking was that this old man even knew that his testicles were still there. They probably hung so low that one of them was tucked into his sock. They were probably covered in so much gray that a whole vat of Grecian Formula would surrender at the challenge. They probably only produce sawdust and sadness. But nevertheless, he was worried that his nuts would get so cold, they would shrivel up, fall off and roll away under booth six never to be seen again until I sweep there. (So never.) Since I have all the care and concern in the world for this man's nuts, I rushed to the thermostat and raised the temperature. I did not want to be held responsible for a man losing is precious nuts. Be they acorn, betel, pecan or walnut, cashew, almond, filbert or beech, I do not need that responsibility.

About ten minutes later I went to check on the temperature of his testicles. "Sir, is everything better now? How are they hangin'?" He assured me that all was fine down below. I shook off the mental image and removed his empty wine glass and asked if he'd like another. He did. I brought it. We were good.

As he left, he thanked me again for adjusting the A/C. He left me a good tip but I got more from him than just 20%. I learned something. Thanks to Mr. Icy Nuts, I know now that even though I work at a place that is as classy as all get out, that even the riff raff will sometimes sneak in. Underneath their fine Italian suits and rigid demeanor, we sometimes have a guy who has no problem talking to me about his balls. I may as well work at a gay bar.

*Goldfish Crackers

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Dolly Daydream said...

Thats hilarious! And the new blog set out is sooo much easier to read, thankyou! :D

Practical Parsimony said...

Priceless! I am amazed how you can go on and on about some little remark and get funnier by the sentence. ...balls rolling under the table! Keep it up! HA! my word to verify is "ungent," just what the old guy probably uses.

Maria said...

"They probably hung so low that one of them was tucked into his sock. They were probably covered in so much gray that a whole vat of Grecian Formula would surrender at the challenge."


Mary A. said...

"Poisson d'or des Biscottes" Oh how I wish I could pronounce that. Because I AM USING IT!

BTW, I really like the new format. It is easier to read, but with 100% of the same great content!

Chunky Mama said...

Thanks for the lovely mental image of saggy gray hairy nuts RIGHT before I head out to lunch.
So gross.
Not hungry anymore.

Noelle said...

I'm with Chunky Mama going to be a little to long to shake that excellent description that hopefully will go away. Probably only to re-trigger every time someone tells me they're "freezing" in the summer time. Don't know whether to kiss you or slap you. :)

The Empress said...

Yet another amusing recap of your restaurant adventures. Maybe the old guy had some sexy time planned for later that night and didn't want to have to explain shrinkage to his lady friend.

The Ranter's Box

Anonymous said...

you are a tool that likes the sound of his own voice. grow up!

watergirl said...

heheh - the Grecian Formula sealed it for me! :)

And I love this layout. Very easy on the eyes and the sectioned layout is nice.


Gallo said...

LOL loved it. you know probably it would have been better if you d answered.

"How about an extra glass of Pinot Noir to roast them?"

Great entry Bitchy!

bird dog said...

hey breh. luv talkin bout scrotums breh. balls deep breh, hahaha. baaaaalls deep in it. ha.

el bacho said...

i have a weeping anus. meaning that small amounts of liquid excrement leak from my asshole continuously, which chaffs when it dries, and ruins my underpants. sometimes i like to take them off and sniff them when i'm angry because i know its so wrong. I haven't licked them yet but i prolly will someday.


lmfao, lulwz, lolz

:) wugglie woos :) :) ;)

Anonymous said...

love this new layout - im glad you brought the black back!

sadi said...

"They probably only produce sawdust and sadness."

LMAO! Love your writing!

Maria said...

This reminds me of this one regular we have at work, who comes in a few times a week. He's about a hundred and forty three years old, and we actually had to adjust the toilet in the handicapped stall of the restroom for him.

He came in one Friday Evening, used the restroom, and upon exiting, sought out the manager and made this comment in the middle of our lobby, amidst the crowd of parties waiting to be seated:

"You're gonna need to raise that seat up some. It's real, real, low. Soon as I sat down, I felt my balls gettin' wet. And I'm no _________" (insert name of apparently well known, allegedly well hung famous person whom I do not recall) "I'm just a regular sized dude. Gotta take care o' that, young lady."

Some people just should not be allowed to interact with the public.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should have brought a pot of boiling water to warm up his teabags! Keep up the great work, Bitchy! You rock!