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Friday, June 3, 2011

I Served a Tampon

On the night that I met the biggest asshole on the face of the planet, the room was filled with people who all thought my life's purpose was to serve them and only them. The audience for this particular show was full of old money. Like really old money. We're talking Carnegie's and Rockefeller's sitting in my presence. These people are used to butlers, maids, slaves and peons who wipe their asses for them and then fold up the toilet paper into origami shapes and flush it down golden toilets. So many of them ordered drinks and they expected them to be there immediately like I was a goddamn I Dream of Jeannie. It was very frustrating to be nice to people who treated me like dirt because I was wearing some hand me down black shirt that was taken from a Broadway show after it closed and some Gap pants. With all their finery and jewels, I could sense their distaste for my general poorness.

Table 20 was seated with two people. One was Mr. Asshole of the Year and he was joined by a lady friend all dressed in white. With her white pants and top on her skinny frame and a tuft of frizzy white hair she looked like tampon. An old rich tampon. This was a woman who also demanded a chair to sit in while she waited for the room to be opened and when one wasn't brought fast enough, she took the stool that the host sits on. She wanted it, therefore, she took it. Fucking Tampon Bitch. She ordered a Kir Royal, because that's what fancy rich bitches who look like tampons order. She had her obligatory second beverage halfway through the show, so I assumed she was done. When the show was over, I brought her check to her and she asked me if she could have another Kir Royal. Of course I said yes, because I had no problem adding another$13 to her bill. "How long is it going to take to get it?" she asked.

"Just a few minutes." At this, she threw her hands up in exasperation and rolled her eyes. Bitch acted like I told her it was going to take 40 days and 40 nights. "I have to go get it, you know." I went right to the bar and asked the bartender to make another one explaining that it would be rung into the computer shortly. He made it and within 90 seconds I was walking back to Tampon Bitch who had already gotten up and was walking towards me to pay her check, which was short one Kir Royal, by the way. "Here's your cocktail, ma'am."

Again, she threw her hands up in exasperation and said, "Well, I didn't know it was going to be that fast, now I'm not ready!" Wait, what? Did she just complain that it was going to take too long and now she was complaining that it came too fast? I tried to hand her the drink since she was no longer sitting at her table and she yelled at me to hold it for a minute while she got her credit card out because she needed to pay right away since she was in a big hurry. I can't imagine what she was in a rush to go do. Perhaps it was time for her maid to re-fluff her hair or she had to go eat the heart of a baby, I dunno. I gave her a new check with the third cocktail on it and swiped her card. Since she refused to sit down at a table, she demanded that I hold the check presenter so she could sign it but only after I went over everything that was on the check. Apparently, Tampon Bitch didn't have her reading glasses with her. She scratched out a signature, added the 15%, grabbed her Kir Royal and moved on.

I don't understand so many rich people. How do they get through their lives constantly stepping on people and treating them so horribly? If karma is indeed a bitch, this woman will surely have some misery in her life. She probably already does. I suppose that going through life with a pocketbook full of money is a small consolation when every time you look in the mirror, all you see is a big old fucking grumpy ass tampon staring back at you.



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24 comments:

Cordelia said...

Seriously? what a cunt. I cant stand people lik that..ugh

Kitten with a Whisk said...

What a bitch, no wonder they are together.

Um, btw... my favorite cocktail is a Kir Royal. =(

Elizabeth said...

I know doing out profession it is hard to believe karma really is a bitch, but you have to believe that if she treats others that cruely that she really is an unhappy soul. But being able to tell them to eat shit and die every once in awhile would be nice too!! I don't know how you do fine dining, I gave that up along time ago and never looked back!

Mary A. said...

The best measure of a man is how he treats his inferiors.

You were very nice to Mrs. Tampax, who is clearly your inferior.

You are a good man.

susie said...

Yesterday my teenaged son said to me, "Mom, I just love it when people are friendly." He said this because a complete stranger gave him a smile and a nod.

Don't worry, BW, the world will get better. We are hoping to nuture more passionate, tolerant behavior. Rude people take up too much of our time... I know it's cathartic to vent and it's a funny post (love your writing), but there's a lesson in that somewhere. Don't think I am some sort of Pollyanna because I can be quite a "b" myself sometimes. Sometimes you have to lift people up even when they don't deserve it. You feel better about yourself in the end. Lots of good vibes coming your way...

susie said...

Sorry, I meant "compassionate." But, hey, passion's not such a bad thing either. s.

sam said...

horrible horrible woman, I would of tried to slip some form of poison into the mix. Just to spice the night up a bit and get rid of her.

Ninja Kitty Extraordinaire said...

Awwww! Sooooo not the point of your post, but it soooo reminds me of one of my favorite quotes of all time: "Why don't you just light your tampon, and blow your box apart? Because it's the only bang you're ever gonna get, sweetheart!" *smile*
I'm sorry, what were you saying? hahahah Old money. My white trash fabulousness clearly wouldn't get along very swimmingly with such a witch!

Kalei's Best Friend said...

Don't blame the ones who step all over folks, they got away w/it because someone allowed them to take advantage .. History repeats itself.. Granted the woman is a bitch, and she can find an easy mark or assume she can cuz she's done it before.. You stood up to her and I bet she knew u got her and acted dumb because u saw thru her act.

BosGuy said...

All that money and not happy? I'd be grinning like the cheshire cat if my biggest worry was learning to like a Kir Royale (whatever that is).

Lindsay said...

I am new to reading your blog.. and I just have to say that I am hooked! i find myself reading it every day... and if I log in too early and you havent posted yet, i'm a little upset AHHAHA. thanks for being you BW. <3 you!

Rachel said...

She and Asshole of the Year sound like they deserve each other.

G. Mars said...

This is from the side bar on my blog:

"A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person." (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) Dave Barry

After 30 something years in the business, truer words were never written. I hope she chokes on her silver spoon full of caviar

Gallo said...

I laughed so hard my I almost peed. I totally understand, WHAT A BITCH!

I used to work for a Cruise Line for 5 months. I could not take more than that. People who are not even rich, and believe they are are even WORSE! I had passengers who had paid $300dls for the cruise and behaved like real assholes.

Rich people are not the enemy, nouveau riche are

holly said...

The "40 days and 40 nights" comment was priceless.

Adam Hawthorne said...

I love that someone referenced 'Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the dessert' in the cocmments!!

Rich people can suck, this is the start of my little three month prison sentence dealing with them since I'm in a tourist area and they've all returned to stay in their summer homes.
A lot of them that I've met who have worked for their money are genuinely nice and humble, but the rest are truly terrible.

I know they're unhappy by the way that they treat people, but I can't bring myself to view it as the type of valid unhappiness on par with being a victim of a crime, or illness. Poor tampon... ...husband fucks the maid? Took away the credit card? Upset about contributing nothing to society? Sad about being useless? Too bad. Doesn't give anyone the right to be a bitch.

I honestly believe that the mistreatment stems from the fact that as better than us (service people, working class...) as they think they are, they know deep down that no matter what, our services are for sale and that is it. They can buy our time but not our respect, and they know that our smile actually is saying "fuck you, I don't respect you" and their money can't change that.

planecrazyjosie said...

With any luck, she will be reincarnated as a tampon.

Anonymous said...

I was just thinking about things while sitting in the car leaving the restaurant we ate lunch at and wondered if anyone has ever left a pad or a tampon as a tip for a particularly bitchy waitress... furthermore has a waiter or waitress ever served a tampon to a particularly bitchy female customer.

I have waitresses for years and sometimes a tampon would have been the perfect drink accompaniment for a perfect bitch.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea. My ex (yes I fucked up here bc I'm still a bartender and he's still in rich paradise) owns a huge company you'd all know. But he's so kind and has comfortably went into a bodega with me at 3am to buy hohos. And. He tips like 100%

Anonymous said...

Sounds like my Mother-in-Law. Step-mother-in-law (thank goodness). She doesn't dress like a tampon, but I cringe whenever we go out to dinner. The order will never, ever be right. The last time I left a note for the waiter, "Sorry we were so high maintenance," and left an extra $5. Horrid woman. Horrid.

deviantderek said...

that reminds me of these tumblr whores who use their used tampons as fucking earings

jadey said...

I laughed soooooo hard at this! I work at a ghetto ass Denny's with fights every weekend and a shoot out in the parking lot on Friday so I don't deal with rich tampons I get the other extreme end of the stick. This morning I told them to shove it and walked out!

msq said...

I'm pretty sure she ordered a K*nt Royal.

asharani said...

Awesome services. What a bitchy.
Bella Tampons