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Friday, June 17, 2011

Dear Diary, It's Me Marcia Brady

Dear Diary,

Today at work was totally groovy. I absolutely love working for Mr. Haskell at the ice cream hut. I'm not supposed to eat any ice cream without paying for it but sometimes I can't resist a tiny taste of the Rocky Road! I'd better watch how much I eat though because I don't want to get fat like that cow of a sister of mine, Jan. She's so jealous of me. Anyway, today was much better than yesterday when my old boyfriend Doug came in and I poured a hot fudge sundae on his head. I don't care about Doug anymore. Today a new boy started working with me and he is totally dreamy. He has the cutest dimples and the curliest hair in the whole wide world. When I see him, I feel like I'm dancing on a rainbow and The Monkeees are playing "Daydream Believer" in my heart. When he first showed up for work, the first thing I did was run to the bathroom to apply a new coat of Precious Pouty Pink lip gloss and then I practiced my smile in the mirror. Too bad I was wearing my uniform of ugly blue pants today! Why couldn't he first see me in my terrific plaid mini skirt with my favorite ruffle shirt? Oh well. I went out and introduced myself to him. He said "hey" and I practically melted faster than the ice cream does when Mr. Haskell won't turn on the air conditioning. He seems like a great worker but I did notice that every time Mr. Haskell went to his office the first thing he did was eat a scoop of ice cream and make a call on the pay phone. He wouldn't tell me his name either, but I think it just adds to his mysteriousness. He told me to call him Bitchy Waiter. Sigh. Mrs. Marcia Bitchy Waiter. Mrs. Marcia Bitchy Waiter! I think I love him! He must be really shy because he never responded to any of my best moves. I tossed my hair, I giggled, I asked for help carrying a heavy box and I even asked him if he would walk me home from school one day but nothing seems to be working. At least I know he doesn't like Jan either because she came into to look at the schedule and all he did when he saw her was compliment her shoes. (Which used to be mine because Jan is the middle child and all she gets are hand me downs. Oh Jan. Poor Jan.) Towards the end of the shift, Greg came in to buy some ice cream for Alice to serve as dessert. At first, I thought Bitchy Waiter must know Greg because as soon as he came in, he went right up to him and told him hello. Bitchy Waiter couldn't stop staring at Greg the whole time he was there. He must have been admiring Greg's letter jacket or something. After Greg left Bitchy Waiter asked me all these questions about him and wanted to know if he had a girlfriend and what his hobbies were and what size shoe he wore. Finally, he was talking to me!! He does like me! I invited him over for dinner tonight since Alice was making her world famous meatloaf. At first he said he couldn't make it but then he asked if Greg would be there. Once I told him I was sure he would be, he decided to come! He asked me to call him if I find out that Greg won't be there though. Oh, Dear Diary, I think I am in love. He should be here for dinner any minute. I will keep you posted. (And Cindy, if you are reading this, stop it!)

Love,
Marcia

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18 comments:

;) Wuggles :) said...

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa. It's like that really old show but there's a homo in it. chuckles.

LMFAO

GAsser said...

she's tryin be all crawlin up on his shit, but he's like bitch yoos just a Ho, an everebody all knows it. Im tryin get at the brother cause hes got status, gots a pager, and respect. don't be hatin' on it, best be hatin on yaselves first.

;):) WAGGLIE DAGGLz ;):)

LMFAO

Mark W said...

Dear Marcia,

The best way to get Bitchy to really notice you is to play hard to get. Before he gets to your house, ask Greg to take Bitchy up to the attic to show him something. It doesn't matter what it is, just make sure Greg gets Bitchy alone in the attic. When they're on their way up the stairs, call up to them and let them know you'll be up in "just a minute."

Then, don't go up. Wait for them to come back down, and then say "Oh, I'm sorry, something suddenly came up."

The important thing is, no matter how long they're up there in that attic by themselves, do not go up there. In fact, make sure no one else goes up there, either. That way, Bitchy won't have anything else to do but think about you!

Good luck!
Mark

Wikisaur said...

oh no, better delete this one too!

crystalmarie1303 said...

What a hilarious post!!! I'm addicted to your blog and this post is exactly why! I'm also a server and love to hear the horror stories but your creativity it what makes it the best! Keep it up! :)

Mark W said...

I really enjoy your blog too bitchy. It's people like you that prove to the world how even a mean spirited 4 foot tall hobbit (a la Bilbo Baggins) can touch the hearts and minds of single mothers and overweight waitresses across this country. Most of those women fit into that category of girls who are spiteful enough to give good head, but spit your cum right back in your face afterwards, and they need to laugh too. Ya gotta love'em!

:0;0;) Wuggie Juggies :);)

LMFAO LULZ LOLZER

sadi said...

Bitchy, Bitchy, Bitchy!

Ha! Loved the post!

Mary A. said...

I've said it before and I will say it again: PETER is way hotter than Greg.

Mark said...

For the record, the two Mark W's above are two different commenters. I'm the first one. I guess I'll start commenting from my Google account from now on...

grahamophone said...

Thanks to you I've discovered that complete episodes of the Brady Bunch are available on YouTube. For free. And you are right, Bitchy Waiter, Ann B. Davis is ..... is... much more worthy of any adjective I could come up with. She makes the show. I think I'll watch some more right now!

Practical Parsimony said...

I literally am thrilled every time I see a new BW post. Okay, I suppose I am lonelier than I thought...lol...so sad. BNope, not lonely just think you are hilarious..

ChiTown Girl said...

This was freakin' hilarous!!! So was (the 1st!) Mark W's comment.

Practical Persnickety said...

@ Mark, Thank you for proving you are in fact the real Mark W. I am in fact the real Santa Claus.

LOLZ

;) Tugglie Nugz ya! :);)

lee said...

pork chops and applesauce.

Adam said...

I totally forgot what the fuck I was going to say because I got distracted by the bigglz and the weeblz and wobbly whipples and everthing in the comments.
Am I missing something? Is it some reference that I missed? Is it something I should know? Am I just dumb? Or did everyone just start playing follow-the-leader.

Oh and by the way, where are the Bananas Foster? The post dissapeared like cousin Oliver... ...I can probably find them both in one place if I just head on down to the strip club.

Mark W. the III said...

I think you mimissed something

:););) Whagglie Womp ;):0:(:^

Bananas foster done blown up and burned'em down!

;)

thedingo said...

Did anybody get any free Vidalia onions recently?

jnana said...

LOL, little does she know...