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Friday, June 24, 2011

An Open Letter to Jabba the Hutt

Dear Loser Who Comes Into the Restaurant and Stays Way Past Closing Time:

None of us like you. I'm sorry you don't have any friends, family or any kind of social life but please don't think that we are a substitution for that. At least twice a week you show up and plop your gelatinous ass onto a bar stool and then talk. And talk. And talk. When you know we close at 10:30, why do you think it's cool to arrive at 10:00 and begin your feast? Two martinis, an appetizer, an entree and dessert is a lot of food and I'm fine with that. What I am not okay with is that at 10:20 you order yourself a bottle of wine. You only do that so you have a reason to stay, right? Because you know we won't let you order another martini after closing time, but if you order a bottle of wine, you can stay for an extra hour and drink it, is that it? Really? I kinda hate you. And you seem like a nice guy, but I still have to hate you.
When you are the only one in the restaurant and you see me blowing out candles, sweeping the floor and carrying trash out, it might be a clue to you that we are closed. When you see the cooks climbing up on top of the stove to wipe down the walls, it might be a clue that we are closed. When you see me and the bartender standing at the other end of the bar checking our watches, twiddling our thumbs and yawning, it might be a clue that we are closed. Go home.

Now I understand that people can come into a restaurant any time before we are closed and expect service, but you really push that rule, don't you? I don't want to be there a whole extra hour just so you can nurse your bottle of wine and blab on and on about things that only you care about. "But you seem interested," you might say. We're not. We only feign interest because our boss won't let us say, "Get the fuck out, asshole." And if you leave a ten dollar tip for the extra hour I am there, after it gets pooled, I receive $3.33 so it's really not worth it to me for you to come in. Sure the restaurant owner gets to sell you all kinds of food and drink, but I'd rather just go home an hour early.


I get it. You must be lonely and you have somehow convinced yourself that we are your friends. Well, guess what. This ain't
Cheers and even though everybody knows your name, none of us call you that. Remember when Norm would walk in to Cheers, they would all yell out his name? Well, what we do when you come in is groan and say "Oh fuck, that asshole just got here." Maybe the next time you come in, you could offer to pay your check at 10:30 so we can move on to our next step in leaving where we have to count the drawer and tally up credit card receipts. But when you don't close your check until an hour after we close, we then have another fifteen minutes of paperwork to do. It's annoying since we just spent the previous forty-five minutes watching you make love to your wine glass.

Maybe instead of coming into the restaurant you can do what other people who have no friends do; sleep, have a tea party with your Beanie Babies, watch porn and masturbate, read National Geographic, call the Home Shopping Network, feed your cats, talk to your plants or simply sit in the dark and wonder what wrong path you took that made you think your only friends in the world are the people who work at the
restaurant down the street from your apartment. If you decide that you absolutely must come into he restaurant, then please be aware of our closing time. And don't fool yourself into thinking "Well, they have to be here anyway, so I may as well stay." The only reason we are there is because you don't want to go home. It sucks for us.

Love,

The Bitchy Waiter


p.s. If I ever see you in real life outside the restaurant, I won't be nice to you. The only reason I even tolerate you at work is because I have to. If I see you on the subway some night after I've had a couple of margaritas, it won't be pretty. Just sayin'. BW




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13 comments:

Angela_Baker said...

Love it. I have an aquaintance (let's call her Dionne, because that's her real name. Screw her)who never fails to suggest, when a group of us are hanging out, that we hit up the closest restaurant she can find that closes within 20 minutes. Bitch, no. That's the fastest way to make new enemies of the poor wait staff that would have to serve us. I wonder how she would react if someone were to anonymously pass this blog on to her. I think I'll find out. :)

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Angela: send me her email address and i will send it for you. For reals. sideofmustard@gamil.com

Crystal said...

I may not have ever been a waitress, but we had people that did this when I was a cashier at Kmart. We would have people walk in 5 minutes before we close, saying "I know what I need, I promise i'll be fast" and staying a half an hour, just wandering the store. We warn them multiple times "excuse me but we're about to close up the last register" and they always say the same thing: "One last item, i promise, im almost done, this just cant wait till tomorrow, please?" and 10 minutes later, when they FINALLY walk to the checkout, that item turned into 20 items, and Im sorry but you HONESTLY couldnt have waited a day for mothballs and mascara?!?!?!

If I want to eat out, I refuse to walk into a restaurant anywhere in the last hour of the night. If I'm that damn hungry, McDonald's is open 24/7.

Angela_Baker said...

Crystal, that reminds me of my first ever job at Toys R Us, aka The Seventh Circle Of Hell. Bitches would come in at 8:30 when we closed at 9, and stay until fucking 9:30 or 10:00. Meanwhile, all of us employees would be putting reshop away, cleaning up, shutting off lights, etc, and EntitleBitch and her brood of hellspawn would still be shopping for stupid shit they didn't need. A variation of this is when I would be scheduled to leave at a certain time (and, as a minor at the time, I would be legally REQUIRED to leave at the specified time), and some fat bitch would invariably come waddling up to my register with a cart piled high with all the plastic shit China can produce, and I would be made to cash her out before I could leave, which would make me late. Fuck Toys R Us, seriously. It was that job that made me realize I was most definitely child-free, and also that I would sooner die than ever work in any place that catered to entitled moms and their brats ever again.

Jamie said...

LOVE IT!
I worked in retail, and we had the same issue. An old woman would always come 10 minutes before closing once a week. It was a small business and she'd talk on and on to my boss and I, try a shit load of stuff on, not take any hints and then leave a HUGE mess in the changing room and buy, at the most, one inexpensive thing. BITCH!

Curious Bloke said...

Bitchy Waiter, where have you been all my life? I could have used your insight and words of wisdom to get me through those long nights when I was slaving (oopse, I mean serving ... um... no, I meant slaving) tables. Worked in all types of restaurants from slinging ribs to pouring fine champaigne, and there is NO difference in the people. Finally totally got out of slaving (bought my freedom, I did!) about 10 years ago, but one never really forgets those nights like you just described.

Thanks for this blog! I've been sharing it with friends and family!

Noelle said...

We have this from time to time. Luckily none of them regular. Usually causes me to drink more. As I wait....

Anonymous said...

I had a group of people like this last night. Closed the till, bar was clean, I was just waiting for them to leave. I told them to finnish their cigarettes and go, which they said they would, only to see them finnish one and light up another. 45 minutes I had to stand around waiting for them to finnish their drinks. Worst part: half of them work at the bar with me, so you'd think they'd know how annoying it is to do this.

fmcgmccllc said...

Can't you put the cork in, the bottle okay, and let them go on?

I stopped ordering wine at one restaurant here when they decanted without asking. I think they were serving the leftover to other customers. Course this is China.

No matter what industry I think it is hilarious that customers think you are their friend. So many times I was thinking, do you not realize I am paid to be nice to you?

Reds said...

Apparently at my restaurant last night (I had a day off!) there was a table that came in at 5:30, ate a quick meal, an then demanded their check immediately. They paid and then continued to sit there until TEN THIRTY (the dining room closes at 10 and even the bar closes at 11) then they ha the self entitlement to call the restaurant today and complain that they felt like they were rushed out! Wtf?! We close at 10. I wasnt even there an the story pissed me off. The audacity of some people!

Mannix said...

Is it cool if I come in, order and take my shit to go? Or is that a no-no as well? I'm just asking lest I do that one day and have the misfortune of running into you on a random subway platform.

Kate said...

I've unintentionally ordered something in a restaurant and realized afterward that they are getting ready to close. I've never eaten so fast - and I left a really big tip. This Jabba the Hutt character sounds like a douche.

Although this wasn't the point of the story - how does someone drink that much and still manage to stand??? I'm kind of assuming that the man in your tale is larger than me, but still.

Babs n Bacchus said...

We get people like that all the time. On top of staying, they can be very demanding of the bartenders, like they are the only people at the bar. I know they are "regulars", but that doesn't make them any more special.