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Thursday, June 16, 2011

Corn on the Cob? Nope, On my Toe.

I have a corn on my right foot. It's on the pinky toe. I call it Joan Crawford because it's hard and hurtful just like she was. But it also has a soft side, much like Joan did. Joan's soft side showed up in her yearly Christmas cards. My corn's soft side shows up after I soak it in Epsom salt and hot water. I know what it's from. It's from wearing less than ideal shoes at work and cramming my wide ass foot into a narrow ass shoe and then standing for eight hours at a time. I saw it coming yet I did nothing about it. It's an old friend, this corn. Corns are like herpes. Once you get one, it never really goes away. It gets worse and then it gets better, but it's always there. Sure you can buy some corn pads and some Dr. Scholl's but maybe the only real way to get it taken care of is to either go to a podiatrist or start wearing flip flops twenty-four hours a day. In my latest dealings with my corn, I have opted for medicated pads. I don't know what the hell is on these pads. I tried to read the package once, but quite honestly, the print was too small. Between the long words and me being too lazy to go get my reading glasses which were all the way in the bedroom, I have no idea what it is I am smearing on my toe every forty-eight hours. But it seems to be working.

Corns are a hazard of the job. We servers are on our feet for hours at a time, much like a Wal-Mart greeter. I can only assume that those Wal-Mart greeters have corns all over their feet but then again most of the greeters are old so their feet are past their prime anyway. Since they work at Wal-Mart though, they can just hop, skip and limp over to aisle seven and get all the help they need. Wal-Mart has insoles, extra cushioned socks, corn pads, medicine and they even have a do-it-yourself appendage amputation kit. If the corn is really bad they can just cut the foot off and then go over to aisle two and buy a new foot using their 25% off employee discount card. We don't have that in the restaurant business. We are forced to pay full price for our corn remedies or you can do some poor white trash option like fold up a bev nap and stick it between your toes. Don't laugh. I've done it. One time at work, my cuticles were ripping every time I reached into my pocket to make change. After about ten times and the first appearance of blood, I put a piece of Scotch tape over my finger and it saved my life. Necessity is the mother of invention, they say. Or poverty is the reason I use Scotch tape and bev naps for Band-Aids. (FYI, in the winter when your hands are dry, a pat of butter from the bread station does wonders.)

Why am I writing about corns? It's because it is another thing that we servers deal with. Bad tips, snotty attitudes, messy babies, asshole managers, long hours, no benefits, slimy ice machines, sticky sugar caddies, dirty ketchup bottles, wobbly tables, incompetent co-workers, and corns. Corns. In the words of Carol Channing overheard from a stall in the bathroom, "When did I have corn?"



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11 comments:

Anonymous said...

And Scene. LOL--I can still hear Mark...

Jenny said...

Ive been serving/bartending for about 5 years and I just got my first corn A few months ago. Of course I have done absolutely nothing about it. But I like the bev nap idea. I already have them in my shoes at all time underneath my arch supports so that my knees hips and back don't slip out of place. And yesterday I had to give myself a manicure with a pair of 8 inch scissors so that my hangnail would stop bleeding since "blood" is not our featured draft.

Bitchy, I feel your pain.

in bed with married women said...

i have decided that i dislike all things called "corn" that are not actually corn, like corn the vegetable. this includes, but is not necessarily limited to: corns like the one on your foot, corn dogs, and candy corn.

um, i guess that's kind of off-topic.

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

tracy said...

Literally on the trip to drop me off at college, I complained to my Mom that I had a rough, hard patch on my toe, she did what she always did and squeezed it. Apparently this angered it and for the next 25 years or so I have battled it. It lives between my pinkie toe and ring finger toe, oddly being a inbetween toe variety. I even tried butter, but that thing hurts. I think I might have mailed you one, when after 3 days of piling on acid, I ripped it off my toe. I have a drunken memory of talking to on the phone whilst ripping it off and laughingly telling you I was putting it in the mail.

Practical Parsimony said...

I never had a corn until I limped for about a year. Yeah, workman's comp said I was malingering, nothing wrong with the knee. Then, they "allowed" me to have an MRI and I had a torn meniscus. My corn is the fault of the system. Daddy used a single edged razor to cut his off. I use the Dr. Scholl's yellow medication. AND, I wore sandals when I got this corn and stayed off my feet most of the time. NOW, a corn or the whitish/yellowish corn medication look terrible in sandals. Like you say, a corn never goes away.

dirtydisher said...

Feet problems suck. Right now I have a sore bleeding heel because I couldn't resist tearing a big patch of hard skin off. I know better. The bev nap trick made me smile. I think we've all done that.

The Empress said...

Damn corns be gone! And thank you for all of the Walmart references which help reinforce my plan to never step foot in that godforsaken hell hole, corns or no corns...

blogosaur said...

I bet you shave off pieces of it and chew on them for the flavor don't you. Or you save them in a jar for later so you can smoke them. you little pervert. smoking your corns. Maybe you keep them for special times, like when you paint yourself half blue and play groove is in the heart by dee-lite over and over again whilst trying to whack your flaccid manhood and crying.

;);):O :0 Jugglie Wuggle Tuggie nugz :):);)

LULWZ, LOLZ, LOL, LMFAO

fmcgmccllc said...

You are unfortunate. If you belonged to the UAW you would have all manner of foot appliances and appointments with the podiatrist.

I have spent over 30 years on cement floors and I always wore the best footwear possible as there are no feet replacements.

So instead I had a nerve go whacko near my ankle, had to have surgery and it still bothers me.

I will tell you what cured my dad's Plantar Wart. Comet cleanser. My mom got pissed and put it in the shower floor and then refused to scrub it up. Over time this worked. Doctors have also told me white vinegar and Vicks have been known to kill a variety of weird growth type things. Just in case you are bored and willing to try anything.

Cordelia said...

I Don't believe i have ever had a corn. but man do my feet hurt. The latest cure i have found for them is Aspercreme. After a hard day's work, i soak my whole body in the tub and rub that on my feet. it helps tremendously. along with some nice wooly socks...no jokes.

I am a believer that after you have worked at least 5 years in the industry, you should receive a free foot transplant... I just bought a new engine for my subaru about a year ago...ok so i did'nt just buy it, but you knw what i mean.... I got it for 900.00 from a japanese import company who basically recycles engines from street race subarus owned by rich japanese teens who crashed and burned the cars but the engines survived...the engine had less than 200 miles on it...

If only there were a program like this for feet transplants...one man's trash is another man's treasure... so to speak...

Ginger G said...

This is so funny, I'm actually reading Mommie Dearest right now! I've seen the movie (many times) but never read the book. I came across a battered copy amongst my boyfriend's books. He denies it's his though...oh and he has a big corn on his toe right now too!